By Saint Garion


My enchanting paramour and I went to a Jazz and Blues Festival over at the local zoo on Friday night.  It was All-You-Can-Eat-And-Drink for 30 bucks a person.  I know, it sounds expensive but we took them to the bank for the amount of wine that we consumed. 


We drank more when we got home and our neighbor came out to visit, (this is the neighbor that is not the Old-Fuck-Bastard). We got into talking about politics, religion, and economics, none of which probably made much sense, we were very drunk.  God was getting loud and obnoxious, and the Buddha and the Lord decided to shred some paper towels in the living room, since we wouldn’t let them out.  He had some girl show up for sex (that apparently is the extent of their relationship) and she got pulled into our conversation. 


She said she was a non-practicing Muslim; which is the kind of Muslim that can… drink and have premarital sex apparently.  I asked her if she knew the five pillars, she didn’t, so we moved back to politics which was much more fun since the neighbor is working for Jeb and was speaking expressively as a Baptist preacher about how we need rich people.  God in particular, as the voice in my head, was enjoying his tirade immensely but really wanted to hear her explain again what a non-practicing Muslim was…  The night ended when she went into his apartment, and he told us that he was going to go and do “God’s Work”. 


And God Said Unto Saint Garion:  “And for that, their contraception shall fail and she will give birth to a son…” 


Saint Garion:  “Don’t do that.”


God:  “Why not?  Besides I’m not doing anything, aside from telling the future and taking credit for what is going to happen.”


Saint Garion:  “oh, ok.”


Moments later Katie puked over the balcony onto the Old Fuck Bastard Neighbor’s barbeque lid.  (She is cleaning it up, as I write this.) 


Saint Garion:  “God, Ket wants to know why you hit his truck with a falling tree.”


God:  “Did I take credit for that?’


Saint Garion:  “Um no, Ket just blames you for letting it happen.”


And now – A Letter From Ket Darby


Dear Saint Garion,


  I understand to an Omni-present, and Omni-powerful being I must be like another grain of sand on the beach.  Why did he drop a tree limb on my truck?  Was it because I worship false idols, like Yoda (who does rock!)?  Is it because I have gained a few pounds via sloth and gluttony?  Is it because I have only been to church a dozen times including 4 weddings?  Or is it because of all the people in the parking lot I had the best insurance?  Or was it random chance?


_Ket Darby


Dear Ket,


  What most Christians believe is that God does not make bad things happen, he makes good things happen.  So it follows that if a tree falling on your truck turns out to be a bad thing, then God didn’t do it.  But if something good comes out of it, then God is responsible for it.  Which I can tell you is a load of shit.  God is too busy screaming in my ear about things like non-practicing Muslims to be directing trees at trucks. 




Saint Garion


Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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