A Long Rambling About My Accident, With Two or Three Funny Bits

Lordi—The Arockalypse


A couple weeks ago I decided to take a few days off from my wanderings
and musings so that I could simply sit around doing nothing except
watching Wrestlemania (an annual household thing-to-do) and a bunch of
games on "opening" day of the baseball season. (For those wondering, I
watched Wrestlemania live and TiVO'd the Mets game, which I watched in
its entirety, minus the commercials, following Wrestlemania. For those
not wondering, too bad you read the previous sentence, think of all the
things you could have accomplished in that same amount of time.)

To enjoy my vegetable time, I decided that it would be wise if I had
some short sleeve pajamas. I remember how comfortable they were in my
youth and figured they would probably be as comfortable in my old age.

Plans were made in my head for that Saturday. First I would go to the
tobacco store for smokes, then to Penney's and the Best Buy since I had
a gift card to burn.

I got up fairly early that Saturday morning and left the house at around
10:30. Picked up my cigarettes and while waiting to pull out of the
parking lot, noticed a green truck with a mattress in the bed. (Hey,
that's funny! "A mattress in the bed"! Get it?)

Finally a break in traffic and off I went on my merry journey to the

As I slowed for a stoplight, I noticed that the green truck was only a
couple cars ahead of me. I thought that was strange since he had passed
me what seemed like a long time ago but I put it out of my mind since it
was a stupid thing to be thinking of anyway.

The light turned green and I turned onto the highway and continued on my
merry journey which was soon dampened by a mattress bouncing towards my

There was no way to avoid it and I grazed it with the front right end of
the bumper. Figuring it was only a mattress and should be little to no
damage, I pulled over to shoulder and then noticed that the passenger
side mirror was a bit out of place.

When I checked out the car, there was nothing wrong with the front end
or the hood, but the mirror had been forced forward which caused it to
dent the door and then somehow pried back. The molding holding the
mirror to the door was loose and wouldn't snap back in place so I
decided to meet up with the other driver and he would give me their
insurance info and I would be of my merry way again.

So I drove in reverse on the shoulder until I met up with the driver. I
showed him the damage and he said two things that are kind of priceless:

"Well, at least it isn't scratched."


"Good thing it wasn't the boxspring."

And with that and no insurance info given, off he went. I sat in the car
for a minute and it came to me that I needed SOMETHING so I took off
until I caught up to him and memorized his license number (ACS 2723 for
those wondering).

And then I was on my not quite as merry way to the mall. I parked,
called my insurance company and gave them details on what happened.

I called the woman, she asked if I had filed a police report, I told her
no, she said I should, I said I would think about it and went ahead and
found perfect pajamas that just happened to be on sale. Hooray for me!

The woman called back and said I really should file a police report so I
called the sheriff and told them what happened (even though it took a
while for the dispatcher to understand what happened, proof being her
"So you got injured jumping off a mattress?" question) but found out
that I needed to be home for them to send out a sheriff since they
wouldn't go to the mall, so I went home and called again and was told I
needed to go to a sub-station and cal from there so I did and a sheriff
showed up and told me if he filed an accident report it would go on my
driving record but he did something instead and gave me a card and said
that the insurance company could call him at the number on that very
card in case they had any questions.

Blah, blah, blah, got the car fixed and had it back by Friday, 500 bucks
out of my pocket, 26 bucks out of the insurance company's pocket (love
that $500 deductible) and now waiting to see if they can collect from
the other driver's insurance or from the driver himself. Yeah, won't be
holding my breath.
I did enjoy Wrestlemania and Sunday's/Monday's games except I did push
out a mighty big poo that Monday morning that caused my butthole to hurt
when I sat down so I had to lay on the couch all day.

COMING NEXT: Something not as long

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


9 thoughts on “A Long Rambling About My Accident, With Two or Three Funny Bits

  1. Why thank you for asking! They were as comfortable, maybe more comfortable than what I remember. So comfortable, I haven’t taken one set off yet!-Stephen

  2. Now that is a scary mental picture. You typing that response in those PJ’s..There has to be a story in there somewhere. Yeah, I can envision it now…


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