The Lord, The Goat, And The Christmas Tree

This was the first Christmas the Lord has really paid attention to what was going on, and well, he’d like to make some changes. And the Lord who is a puppy said unto Saint Garion, “I think they should call it Goatcheesemas.”

Saint Garion (reluctantly): “Are you going to tell me why…”

The Lord who was excited: “ya ya we call it Goatcheesemas and then tell the people to put a goat head on the top of the tree instead of a star or angel… why do they put angels on there don’t people know those guys are psychotic? And then we get them to hang goat cheese all near the bottom of the tree and buy doggie doors…”

Saint Garion’s phone rings.

God: “Answer it; remember I get one practical joke a year…”

Saint Garion: “Who changed my ring tone to make goat noises?”

God: “Wasn’t me, besides that’s kind of lame.” I could tell God was looking at the Lord. “No, this is more on par with sending your son to earth as a dog by mistake ‘cause of the Holy Spirit’s LIES!!”

Saint Garion: “Yes, hello? Wait hold on, what the fuck?”

The Lord continued to explain the new rituals that would surround Goatcheesemas as I listened to some crazy woman complaining about losing a bet to her husband regarding whether or not he would “come all night”. She said he wouldn’t, not with her help anyway… Apparently, he is a very religious sort and called upon the Holy Spirit to, well, make “it” happen.

Now it was happening all over the house and the Almighty, as a joke against the Holy Spirit and I, made him gizz my cell phone number all over the house.

I could hear him in the background, “please Lord, make it stop… pllleaasess…” which means the Lord could too, but he didn’t care.

Saint Garion: “Ok yes well the Lord doesn’t give a fuck about you right now, which is probably why God is capable of torturing your husband… oh fuck, just tell him to go stand in the tub.”

And Saint Garion said unto the Lord: “We have got to snap you out of this before your father realizes you don’t love anybody or anything except for goat cheese.”

So it was that Saint Garion went out unto the internet and found a questionnaire that he could adapt to see if the Lord was addicted to goat cheese.

Saint Garion: “Lord, do you find your self thinking about goat cheese at odd times of the day?”

The Lord squatting in his litter box: “Do you think I shout make everyone buy a goat?”

Saint Garion: “Lord, do you find your self spending more money,” no that won’t work for a dog, “do you become restless when trying to cut down on goat cheese?”

The Lord: “mmmm… creamy-creamy goat cheese, why would I try to cut back?”

Saint Garion: “Do you lie about how much goat cheese you eat… never lies, check. He doesn’t take money from me to buy goat cheese, check.”

Saint Garion: “Well according to this you are not addicted.”

The Lord: “Ok let’s go heal the gizz dude, maybe he has some goat cheese, doyouthink he has any?”

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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