The Great Shoe Caper-P.S.Gifford

This is a true account, none of the names or facts have been changed to protect the innocent, as there were no actual innocents involved�

It was five years ago now it all happened, almost exactly to today�s date. It was my only day off work, a Tuesday, and I decided to do whatever manly man wants to do on his one and only day off from work, spring clean the bedroom. Hey, what can I tell you I am a bit of a neat freak.

In particular I decided that our sliding closet was in dire needs of reorganizing, as every square inch had been jam packed with my wife�s stuff. My stuff? It had long since been relegated to the third bedrooms even more modest wardrobe.

As I dutifully slid the doors open, about fifty pairs of various shoes decided to fall out in a pile. (What exactly is it with woman and shoes?)

With my dog looking on evidently confused, I poured myself a rather large black coffee, and set about the daunting task of sorting them out into the appropriate pairs and, taking my life into my own hands, deciding which ones needed to go into a cardboard box with the possibility of being thrown away. (Naturally only with my wife�s full approval.-I am not that foolhardy!)

Three hours  of slogging away later my mission was nearing completion. Several of her dress shoes I had lovingly cleaned up and ploished, new laces had been placed into now washed tennis shoes, and everything had been neatly arranged back into the closet. I could not wait for my wife�s reaction, boy was she going to be pleased with me I thought!

At 6:15 my wife arrived home, dinner was cooking in the oven and a bottle of red wine was breathing on our kitchen table.

�Hello honey bunny!� I cried flinging open the front door.

�Hi boo,� she replied with an air of caution.

�How was your day?� I chirped cheerfully.

�Bloody awfu!l� she snapped back. (Although not actually English herself�Being married to one for so long has rubbed off a bit.)

�Well, how about I run you a nice bubble bath, and bring you in a glass of wine whilst you relax?� I countered still feeling cheerful at my days  work of cleaning and  eagerly awaiting her reaction.

�Erm, okay…� Being a male I was not able to ascertain the suspicions growing in my wife�s mind. She studied me with squinting eyes, and scurried off.

�Right then, dinner is in twenty five minutes!�

Next she proceeded to take her bath, and quickly consume that first glass of wine. Evidently she really did have a bad day at work.

A few minutes later dinner was set on the table, and she was putting on her pajamas, when a  horrible, ear piercing scream came from the bedroom…

�Gifford,  GIFFORD, get in here now!� I always knew great trouble was in store when she called me Gifford.

She had apparently just opened the closet and was staring in  complete dismay at her shoes; this wasn�t the reaction I had hoped for.

�Who�s bloody shoes are these?” She wailed as she pointied to that just washed pair of sneakers .” Because they sure the heck aren�t mine!�

�But, but, but,� I feebly countered, �of course they are!�

�No there not!� she proclaimed confidently and I swear steam was begining to come from her ears.

�Whose shoes are they?� She demanded and gave me that look that all married men know all to well. Whatever I said now I was surely doomed. She, for the time being at least, was not going to be reasoned with.

�But of course they are yours!� I was desperate now. �Besides do you think that if anyone else was over they would leave barefooted, and put their shoes in your closet?�

�Maybe,� she yelled, �I have met some of your ex�s and they aren’t the brighgest lot.�

Dinner that night was eaten in a total awkward silence. I watched  on fearfully as she angrily chomped down her steak and kidney pudding,mashed potatoes, mushy peas and several glasses of merlot.

It was after dinner she once more went back  into the bedroom and examined the shoes. 

�Wait a minute,� she said, her tone suddenly  far less fierce. �I do remember these shoes�I haven�t seen them in years.�

I have to admit that whilst making up that night was particularly fun, I have never since reorganized my wife�s shoe closet., and to be honest never will again.

 
 

*end*

P.S. Gifford

P.S. Gifford is a published horror author of great talent. He started submitting stories around 2005. His short stories are by far some of the best and most entertaining that I have read. Around that time he was invited to write columns which are titled "Paperback Writer."

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