The Buddha Takes A Shit

By Garion Bel


Walking the Lord and the Buddha yesterday, we ran into… well I’ll get to that.  Up until that moment the day had been uncharacteristically pleasant.  Breakfast had been good.  I had a fantastic cup of coffee which I followed up with an equally fantastic shit.  It was a beautiful day so I decided, what the hell let us go for a walk.  What is the worst that could possibly happen?


The sun was shining, the breeze cool, and then she appeared around the corner.  A cist on the ass of Christianity, a woman whose face said: “HI!  I am a self important self righteous Baptist bitch and everybody that isn’t me is going to hell ‘cause I’m the only perfect person on this planet.” 


Saint Garion:  “God fucking dammit you self righteous assholes really are everywhere aren’t you?”


The dogs sensing the self destructive evil within the woman went up to sniff out of instinctive curiosity. 


Self-Important-Righteous-Baptist-Bitch:  “Control your dogs; my husband is a police officer.”


Her words confused me a great deal and it took me several minutes of concentration to connect and interpret them in context.  Meanwhile, the Lord said unto the Baptist woman:  “I am the Lord, and to you I say do not emphasize status, intelligence, or possessions.”


The Self-Important-Righteous-Baptist-Bitch almost fell over, “Noooo!”


Unfazed the Lord continued:  “Behave with modesty and with a serving attitude.”


The Self-Important-Righteous-Baptist-Bitch fell, stumbled to her feet and ran off clawing at her ears, but it was already too late.  She knew the will of the Lord.


Then the Buddha demonstrated his magic shitting power, “Behold, over the last 24 hours I have eaten two ½ cup servings of puppy food, and I will now produce 4 cups of shit.” 


And The Lord said unto Buddha:  “It never occurred to me to do that with shit, I thought infinite bread and fish was impressive.”


Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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