Pet the Lord

Our internet service has been down for three days now, and I’m starting to take it personal. I mean the Lord’s people fucking pay out the nose for this cable modem service so it can be fucking out all of the god damn fuck time?

This cannot continue; something must be done.

God: “Like what?”

And why can’t I pay my fucking bill on-line? It’s a fucking ISP!

God: “Well they probably don’t want to hear the I-couldn’t-pay-my-internet-service-bill-because-the-internet-service-was-down excuse.”

Right if they had to have the service up to receive payment, I bet it would be up more hours of the day.

But enough of my bitching, these last few weeks have been hard on the Lord. We just got back from visiting a friend with two big dogs. We grilled some burgers on a very short little grill, which proved convenient for the dogs who wanted hamburger meat. (That would be all of the dogs save one, who I am sure spends most of his time figuring out where he is in relation to the person that should be petting him.)

I bought people cigars, and I smoked mine while the others hid theirs in various places of the house. I think it creeped people out a little that the smoke from my cigar kept shaping itself into unhappy ghostly apparitions that liked to form behind whoever was talking in the hopes that someone would pay them some attention. We had fun ignoring the ghosts, while we drank margaritas, did tequila shots, and made stupid little cock jokes while the dogs ran and played around our friend’s huge yard.

I haven’t seen the lord this tired in a very long time. I mean he has Buddha to play with most of the time but that’s it. We have not had a terrible amount of time to spend with him lately and it seems that as a result he has become very needy. Just before we left he began to circle the Bride as if he was protecting her from the other dogs. The big dogs, not knowing he was the Lord, foolishly ignored him and would cast themselves upon the Bride anyway. But then it happened.

And The Lord said unto the other Dogs: “Behold! We have had a very good time playing outside in the grass and watching the humans drink too much tequila and tell some very bad cock jokes, but I am the Lord and if you do not back away I will lay my vengeance upon thee.” And the Lord sat, very disappointed and sad that these two who last night were so much fun to run around with would have to die. The big dogs ignored the Lord and continued to lean against to Bride so that she would pet them.

Then Buddha, sensing the opportunity to save the lives of two very big, very stupid animals, said unto the big dogs: “Hmmm… I think the humans dropped some more hamburger meat outside.”

These two great dogs then launched themselves at the back door and away from the Bride, who then turned her attention away from the table, and the two people that had just been knocked over, to pet the lord.

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

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