I’m NOT Apologising

Queen + Paul Rodgers—The Cosmos Rocks

MoTW—Blood Feast

In the immortal word from "Iron Eagle 2":


I was all set to go this past Tuesday with my one-of-a-kind live nude
election day coverage. I had showered and was sitting in front of the
computer stark naked when I noticed that the "Live Broadcast" link on
this here site DID NOT EXIST!

I called our home office demanding an explanation, but was smooth talked
by the receptionist who promised that the tech guy would look into is
"as soon as humanly possible" and I could also swear she muttered
something like "you stupid fucking freak" too, but that couldn't be true
since she's a receptionist and they don't do things like that.

Now I had to wait and, while wandering around the house, I peaked out
the back door and saw that leaves were falling and this was after I had
spent the previous weekend raking those fuckers up.

I figured I had a good half hour to waste so I went outside to put a
stop to these suicidal leaves. With my trusty tube of Super Glue in hand
I climbed a tree and began applying teeny weeny drops of glue to the
leave stems so they wouldn't fall.

I had one branch almost completed when I heard sirens and then the house
was surrounded by cops and their leader was screaming through a
megaphone that I needed to come down and NOW!

So I did.

Then I was in handcuffs and a blanket was thrown over me and I was
hustled to a cop car and then they were questioning me about stuff like,
oh, why in the world was I in a tree naked gluing leaves to the

I chuckled about this because I had completely forgot I was naked, but
they took this as loony laughter so they beat me a bit with their
nightsticks so I waited until they were done and explained why I was
nude and how it was an honest mistake and maybe they should let me go so
they could go vote.

They chuckled about my forgetfulness and then beat on me some more with
their nightsticks (and, I swear, a toaster) so that I would forget never
again and then they pulled me out of the car, grabbed the blanket and
drove away, presumably to vote.

I stood there thinking about what just happened and then I heard more
sirens and a new batch of cops showed up and the same thing happened
(except for the bullhorn part) and again there was a toaster involved,
but this time they made sure I was in the garage with the door closed
before they drove away, presumably to vote.

I took my bruised and bloody back inside and sat down in front of the
computer to check my email to see if the tech had emailed me about the
missing link, but there wasn't.

So I spent the next hour or so checking out prices on movies and music
and then checked my email again but still no email from the tech.

However, my email box was packed with emails from people I had never
heard from before. Thinking they were spam, I started to delete them but
saw the subject of one was "Nice Cat You Have".

Intrigued, I opened it and read about how Harry liked my cat and how
sexy I looked with it sitting in my lap and if I could just

I opened another. Beth liked the cat too. She also wanted me to do
something obscene.

Same with Pat, Mike, Ed, Stephanie, Rory, Ingmar, CJ, Bobbie Sue,
Leilani, Mildred, Bertha, Abercrombie, Spode, Laxex, etc., etc., etc.

What the fuck was going on? Why were all these people acting like they
could see me sitting in front of the computer with a cat


I called the home office again but this time I got a voicemail
explaining that the office was closed because of election day and then
it went through a menu with tons of options (We have an Oriental massage
department? Really?) and I pressed some buttons until I got someone from
the tech department.

I explained my dilemma and was told that the site never had a "Live
Broadcast" link and would probably never have one but he felt sorry for
all the work and self-promotion I had put into my nude election day
coverage so he hacked into some porn sites from around the world and put
my live feed up.

I asked if it could be taken down but was told it was a no go since he
was going to vote and then he hung up but not before I swear I heard him
mutter something like "I hope you burn in Hell you fucking freak' but
was probably mistaken since tech guys don't use that type of language
since they like Stratego and D&D and other stuff like that.

That's why I didn't get to do nude election coverage this past Tuesday.

I called the home office the next day, but this time there was no
voicemail or menus or anything. The phone just rings and rings.

I'm still getting obscene email.

I like surfing the internet while naked.

I don't know how to disconnect the camera.

COMING NEXT: It's raw with blisters!

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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