Even More About That Guinea Pig Thing

Ram Jam—Portrait of the Artist as a Young Ram


I sprang into action as the garage door rose.

While motioning to her to not park in the garage, I hopped up and down
as if I had some extremely urgent news.

Message received since she stopped the car on the driveway and hopped
out of the car.

“What in the hell is your problem?”

My mind, as well as my mouth, was now working overtime.

“Hurry, gotta HURRY! Big storm coming, gotta make sure that we are FULLY
STOCKED on supplies! Quick, grab the chainsaw and the shovel, I saw a
few frozen squirrels in the backyard as well as a lump in the snow
that’s most probably a frozen deer and you need to get back there and
cut up that deer while I get the food dehydrator out of storage so we
can have us some beef jerky while we sit out the storm!”

“Storm? What storm?”

“Don’t question me woman! Get to your duties! I MUST FIND THE FOOD

“Ummm……I don’t think we have a dehydrator?”



“How DARE we let down Ronco like that! Quick, get in your car and go to
your parents and ge theirs! A storms coming and I’m scared!”

“Well, let me call them and see if they have one at least.”

I slapped the cell phone out of her hand and it flew into a nearby

Her eyes narrowed and for a split second she looked like that baby on
the cover of Black Sabbath’s “Born Again” album, causing me to go into
spastic-mode overdrive.

“Go, go, GO! It’s a BIG storm and I’ll need meat to survive, I’ll need
dried MEAT, so go, go, go, go, go and GO! GO!”

Surprisingly she went, rather quickly too.

I waved as she pulled out of the driveway and she flipped me off in
return and then was gone.

I ran back into the house as my mind flipped into cleaning mode.
However, I was stopped by one of the cats walking rather erratically
into the walls and my mind immediately flipped into panic mode.

Thinking that the poor cat had maybe licked up too much of my release
and that she was having severe stomach cramping, I scooped her up and
ran to the kitchen sink figuring that I would force her mouth open under
the running faucet and make her drink until she was bloated and then I
would squeeze her belly until she spewed out the water and whatever else
was down there.

Luckily for both of us, right before I jammed her face under the faucet
I noticed that one of her eyes was caked shut with some Elmer’s
glue-looking substance so I gently peeled that off and placed her back
on the floor and off she walked, as normal as ever.

I immediately went to the tv room and found none of the other cats
snacking away so back into cleaning mode I went and for the next hour I
was like Hazel on crack.

When I was done, I sat down and admired my handiwork. Nobody would ever
know that I had ejaculated 500% more than I normally would in this exact
room which pleased yet saddened me.

The next step would have to be with a partner, yet it would have to be
with someone I wasn’t too attached to since a 500% increase of anything
in an enclosed space could end up getting rather messy and nasty.

Then it dawned on me that it would probably be better if I tried to
distance myself from the whole thing as much as possible.

I picked up my phone and hit speed dial. After two rings I had my loyal
test subject.

“Hey, it’s Stephen. I’ve got a mission for you.”

COMING NEXT: Who is this mystery test subject?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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