Day One Of The Trip You Could Care Less About

Within Temptation—The Heart of Everything

MoTW—Hot Fuzz

So I've been thinking about this for the last couple days and have come
to the decision that nobody really wants to hear about the three day
road trip we took early last week.

It was a typical trip, we left on Sunday at about 6 am, but not before a
false start after the woman noticed me smelling my armpits and she
suddenly remembering that she had put her deodorant back in the cabinet
so into reverse I went all the back to the house, luckily I hadn't even
left the block yet.

Finally on our way we were and everything passed with no complications
until we got to the US/Canadian border where I drew a complete blank
when asked where I lived. After five seconds of silence I was able to
answer that questions and others with no further problems.

"Any firearms?"

"Nooo," I answered, proudly for some reason.

"Any tobacco?"

"Yes," I answered honestly. "I brought five packs of cigarettes."

And we were waved through. Amazingly, honesty DOES work.

Again, nothing you really want to hear about, but I did want to stop at
every rest area on the way because they're so much fun, but there was
only one during out jaunt through Canada and it was called a rest area
but something like a service area which almost threw me for a loop but
ultimately didn't.

I got out to pee in the restroom provided which all good Canadians do
but I was momentarily lost as I found everyone peeing in the restroom
was talking French so I had no clue if they were talking about me so I
quickly finished and left without washing my hands to the shame of
anyone watching.

Onwards we went, this time waiting in traffic at the Canadian/US border,
handing over the passports, this time answering the questions with no
issues at all and then getting waved through the inspection lanes all
because I look totally non-threatening or maybe the lady at the earlier
checkpoint called ahead and let them know I was a-ok.

At Niagara Falls found parking for $10 which just happened to be the
going rate. Wandered around for a bit admiring the water heading towards
the falls, had quite the dissenting opinions on whether it was possible
and safe to go canoeing through the rapids, a discussion which I think I
won. Oh yeah, had a couple beers at some restaurant for those taking

Wandered over to the falls and gazed at them for some time and then
walked around some more. I saw some people wandering around below and
they were really close to the falls, closer than we were and I wandered
around some more trying to find a way to the bottom and then we
discovered that we could go down but it would cost $25 for the both of
us. We decided we were too cheap so we headed away from the falls,
stopped in a couple souvenir shops, bought a shot glass in one, headed
back to the car and asked the attendant where the casino was.

Surprisingly, it was only a couple blocks away.

Not so surprisingly, we went.

Discovered that we could have parked there for free. Would have had to
be sneaky about it though, would have had to park there, go into the
casino, slip out without being seen, head to the falls and then slipped
back into the casino without being seen and then back to the car. But
no, we didn't cause we didn't know.

Anyway, not surprisingly at all, we lost over $300 in the casino. Should
have done that $25 thing I suppose.
Oh yeah, three beers at the casino for those that ned to know.

We left all depressed and stuff and headed out towards Cleveland.
Nothing of importance happened on the way there, just couldn't figure
out a sign on the highway stating that headlights needed to be on when
using windshield wipers. I really wanted to clean the windows because of
all the dead bugs and shit, but didn't feel like looking like an idiot
turning on the headlights for a quick splish of washer fluid and a
couple swipes of the blades so I didn't. Fuck that law!

Kept driving until we found a hotel about an hour away from Cleveland,
grabbed a quick bite from MacDonald's and went to sleep.

So there it is, day one of our trip that nobody cares to hear about.
Unless you read this far, then you do care or maybe thought something
fantastical was going to happen. In both cases YOU ARE WRONG.


Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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