Another Detour: Michigan Wants You To Slaughter Bambi

Trans-Siberian Orchestra—Night Castle

MoTW—War, Inc.

"Fall is here, don't veer for deer"

So sayeth the high-tech signs here, there and everywhere on the Michigan

Which gets me to wondering: What does it mean?

(On a side note, you CANNOT follow me on Twitter. I signed up for it
just to make fun of some wad who decided to sign up and post inane shit
about what happens in his life and after leaving one post or tweet or
whatever the kids call it nowadays, I found it to be stupid and a
complete waste of time.)

It could mean two things, probably more if I was to pick up on my daily
intake of alcohol. But for right now there's two reasons I can think of
in my slightly alcohol-addled mind.

So here they are.

1) Bambi is farting around on the side of the road and looks up and sees
something really, really interesting on the other side. Looking
carefully both ways, he (she?) decides it's safe and casually walks into
the road. As luck would have it, some dick in a BMW is cruising along at
a safe 90 MPH and sees Bambi at the last minute. What to do?

Well, according to the signs, the BMW driver should just plow into poor
defenseless Bambi, killing our beloved deer and (hopefully) themselves
in the process. Why the state wants people to do this is beyond me. It's
kind of sick if you think about it.

Someone will say, "They don't want them to veer because they might hit
another car." I don't buy this. People on the road watch out for each
other and would gladly yield to the BMW,,,,,oh wait, this IS Michigan.
Guess slamming into Bambi is the bestest option possible.

Then again, deer only come out at night when there's less traffic.
Therefore, someone in the state of Michigan wants bloody Bambi-smears
all over the highway. Just sickening.

Pop quiz!

You're driving down the road and notice a jogger ahead. As you approach,
a deer prances onto the road. Which do you hit?

2) Remember we're talking about Michigan here so there's lots of killing
and assorted other crimes, which brings me to the other meaning of the

Since the state is full of dickheads, I guarantee there's drivers out
there who purposely veer to hit deer grazing on the side of the road.
Maybe it's some sort of game in this state I haven't heard about yet.

Could be this was a sport for the longest while and soon piles and piles
of Bambis (and humans) were littering the roads causing traffic jams and
more accidents and someone in the state government decided this just
needed to stop. Yep, the roads were just a river of wet sticky blood and
it was really unsightly and the game needed to be end.

Seems kind of silly to stop it actually since all the blood on the roads
would help when driving in icy conditions. Not that I'm saying that
killing cute, helpless deer should continue, but it would be cool to not
worry about sliding on an icy road.

I have contacted the state government about what the sign really means,
but they treat me like I'm some kind of crackpot. My understanding is
that I am now on a list and cannot call again or come within 75,000
yards of any type of government building.

This has really limited my ability to drive around trying to find new
editions to the Michigan chapter of Crackwhore Village (Pop. 1 since the
others decided to move to Canada). It also means that I can't get
arrested for picking up hookers, which could be a good thing.

COMING NEXT: I'm going to try

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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