An Issue With Sneakers

More Lunatic Ravings…

S.U.N.—Something Unto Nothing


I don’t consider myself a cheap kinda guy, but when it comes to sneakers it’s a different story.

I’m happy spending $25-$30 on sneakers. As long as they’re mostly white without any fantastical designs, I’m happy. I expect they’ll last a year or so and then I have to come up with money to get a new pair. That’s what selling blood and/or drugs is for.

A couple years ago I got a pair of new sneakers and they lasted about 6 months before they started to come apart. Money wasted, but what can you do? I went to my local JC Penneys and was looking at sneakers when a helpful sales associate came over and I told him what I wanted. He highly recommended a pair of Air Jordans and, even though they were over $50, he was the expert and you should never, ever doubt an expert.

The sneakers were fine…at first. Then the left sneaker started developing a sticky sound whenever I walked on certain floors. I inspected the bottom of the left sneaker and there wasn’t any debris like gum or tape stuck to the bottom so I washed the sole. It didn’t help.

I put up with this sticky sound for a couple months and then decided to break down and get a new pair. During last years Black Friday week of sales, I found a couple pairs of sneakers for less that $30 apiece. I was set.

Instead of jumping into one of those new pairs of sneakers, I wore the old ones and still kept getting that sticky sound on the left sneaker. Finally I broke down and broke open one of the new pairs.

For a couple weeks they were good. Then I started getting a squeaky sound from the left sneaker. Then the sticky sound on that same sneaker started happening. Again, nothing on the bottom of the shoe.

So now I’m stuck. Whenever I walk around it sounds like there’s a bunch of baby mice screaming out in pain from the left sneaker and it also sound like I’m walking in sticky pee on certain floors. Guess I could try the other pair, but we all know what’s going to happen. My other option is to cut of my left foot and never have to worry about wearing sneakers or any other shoes there again. That’ll solve the problem and I’ll also be able to FINALLY get a handicapped tag for the car.

Another thing I discovered is that Lay’s has Chicken & Waffle flavored potato chips? For who? Oh, me. I bought a bag just to get incredibly sick cause that’s how I roll.

COMING NEXT: I can come up with flavors for potato chips too?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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