This Past Thursday Was Quite The Day

Wow, this past Thursday was quite the day. I had the opportunity to watch Back N’ Street Boys on HBO, and I could also ask O. J. Simpson a question for the low price of $9.95. Days will not get any better than that.
In case no one knows, O. J. was a football star. He ran really, really fast. And, since he is such a good hearted soul, he gave us the chance to ask him a question online. The best thing about this is that the money you spent would not go into O. J.’s pocket!! It would go to a children’s camp. What a thoughtful human being. All this time he has been searching for Nicole’s killer and he takes the time to keep us up to date on how the search is going. Wow.

AND, I also learned that Nicole was to blame for her death. I had O. J. pegged wrong all these years. He is a smart, sensitive human being. We all need to be like O. J., I think.

So, on to the continuing saga of our movie. What’s it about? Telemarketers!!! Yep, good ole’ telemarketers. The scourge of society. Those pesky people who call you while you are eating your dinner, or when you cut your hand off in the garage and really need the phone to call 911.

There is more to telemarketing than most people think. Sure, it’s inconvenient when they call during dinner time. However, these people are just doing their job.

It works 2 ways. Some overweight hog gets upset that they are interrupted during their 6 p.m. feeding frenzy because a telelmarketer calls to discuss switching long distance carriers. However, this same hog has no problem sitting on their couch on a Saturday morning eating a box of Boo Berry cereal with chocolate milk while watching an infomercial with Richard Simmons hawking his “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” video tape. As soon as Richard starts crying, this hog drops their morning snack and rolls to the phone to dial the 800 number flashing prominently on the TV screen.

So, the inbound telemarketers get deluged with calls from lifeless wanks who believe what they see on TV is actually a quality product. And, after they receive the product, they call back because it does not work and claim they were ripped off. Gee, no shit? Imagine having to deal with that day after day.

Our movie will expose the telemarketing business. Believe it or not, most inbound telemarketers are alcoholics. Call at 2 am in the morning to order a CD from Time Life music and chances are the rep is drunk. We will show this plus much, much more. We believe the telemarketer should no longer be looked down on. That is our crusade. And, no, we are not

We will also show that Lisa from Time Life books does not exist. You call that 800 number and ask for Lisa but she will always be “busy”. Companies show a perky breasted woman to make you call and buy their products. Who you actually talk to varies, but they probably will be drunk. See how tough this job is? They have to lie when you call and believe in the product they are selling.

Yes, we have a plum role for Deborah Foreman, in case you’re wondering. We want her to play the role of a person in management who tries to help the telemarketers, but receives no support from others in management. So, she decides to become a telemarketer. Seeing her fight for the rights of telemarketers will make you cry, we believe.

We have no idea who else will be in the movie, but we do need a really old lady who is very, very mean. Our search continues.

I went to see “Pokemon 2: The New Blood”. Okay, I didn’t. Bob did.

On my way home from the store today, I swerved to miss a fuzzy caterpillar trying to make it across a two lane road. After I swerved, I wondered what would have happened if there was a police officer around and he pulled me over. Would my story about the caterpillar stick? My thinking is that the caterpillar worked his little furry ass off to get across a two lane road, so why would I crush him when he was only a couple of feet away from freedom? I would probably have had to take a sobriety test because it is kind of whacked that I swerved to miss a bug. Besides, I think I blew the caterpillar to safety when I passed it so there would be no evidence. So, I probably would have went to jail. Good thing I was the only person on the road.

Hey, I have watched “Cops” so I could have made it really interesting and not pulled over for the officer and drove really fast until I made it home. Then, I would have run inside and locked the door and when they came knocking, I wouldn’t answer the door and they would break down the door and find me sitting in a corner smoking a cigarette and petting my pet iguana and then they would ask me to put the cigarette out and I wouldn’t so one of them would take it out of my mouth and throw it in the fish bowl and then they would throw me to the ground and handcuff me and I would talk about really creepy stuff and they would cram me into the back of the police car and I would lay down on the back seat and kick at the windows so they would have to shackle me and then my neighbor would come out in his
ripped tee shirt and boxer shorts and tell the police that I was always playing loud music late at night and then they would bring me to the police officer hut and put me in jail. All this over a fuzzy caterpillar?

It just doesn’t seem fair.

COMING NEXT:Why “Saved by the Bell” is much more realistic, and better, than “Friends”.

More Lunatic Ravings…

Read a new Lunatic Ravings every Saturday!

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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