The Weakest Ending EVER

UFO—The Visitor


So I decided to make amends and cook dinner for me and the woman.
Something fancy, something that we could enjoy in the candlelight at our
rarely used dining room table. Something that would make her forget all
about her psychotic craziness.

The table was set like they do at those fancy restaurants. I heard her
car roll into the driveway and I set the food and drink down and sat at
the head of the table (as I should), put the napkin in my lap and faced
the door with a big smile on my face.

She walked in and tossed down her humongous purse and pretended not to
notice me. I politely coughed and coughed and coughed until she looked
over to the dinner spread.

And then she stormed off.

I don't know what her problem was. I don't know what's wrong with a
healthy dinner of Campbell's tomato soup and lightly toasted peanut
butter & butter sandwiches. Obviously not something to her hoity-toity

This did not amuse me.

So I ate all the soup and all 15 sandwiches and then left the table
without bothering to put the dishes in the dishwasher, since I was
rightfully annoyed.

I went downstairs and started to summon BiViD but stopped when it dawned
on me that BiViD was getting old and I needed something new. apologised
to the portion of him that appeared and told him that I needed to put
him on the backburner for awhile.

Then I went outside and tried to capture one of the baby squirrels
running around so that we could develop something between us, maybe even
something romantic but those fuckers are fast so it didn't amount to
much, just me sweating and panting.

But the outside was enjoyable and my car was dirty so I went inside and
put on a pair of assless chaps and went back outside to give the car a
good scrubbing, thinking it could possibly turn into something romantic,
but I tired of that after spraying one of the tires with some of that
tire shine shit.

Back inside I went and, even though it was barely 5 pm, the woman was
already asleep so we couldn't talk about the errors of her ways.

Saddened by this I went into the sewing room and darned some socks and
made a few shirts and then tired of this as well.

I went to the kitchen and grabbed a box of Grape Nuts and then went into
the living room and watched 12 straight hours of "Land Of The Lost"
before I got sleepy and passed out on the couch.

When I woke up, the day was already hot and muggy, as well as being a
dark and stormy night. The woman shook my hand, acting as if the recent
events had never happened.

How weird.

COMING NEXT: Gee, how can I top this?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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