The Firmata

Nicholson Baker wrote a novel called The Firmata about a guy who could stop time. And, as most guys who could stop time would probably do, he largely just used his superpowers to take off women’s bras and panties.  But he also did all these funny little things to fuck with people, and if nothing else it’s a very entertaining, though often bordering on pornographic, book.

But if you really think about it, it would never work.  Stopping time and then just continuing on like normal while everybody and everything around you is frozen in place I mean.

Let’s start out with light.

What light we are able to perceive travels through space to our eyes, in particles or in waves it doesn’t really matter, because once time is stopped that light stops travelling and thus is no longer travelling into our eyes triggering nerve impulses and creating images constructed by our brains and fed to our perceiving minds (which is what we actually “see”).

Because of this a world where time has been stopped would actually be darker than dark.

And likewise with sound.

What we call sound travels to our ears through the air in waves, and again without time flowing those waves would just suspend in space and never end up reaching our ears.

Of course you could trigger these waves by moving into them, but even at your fastest you could never move into them as fast as they would have been moving into you were time flowing normally and naturally, so it still wouldn’t work.

And let’s not even get into breathing.

So it’s really more of just a fantasy what-if sort of novel than it is about real and actual possibilities.

Which makes it completely unlike the stuff I write about of course.

More Spamrider Columns

A new Spamrider of the Apocalypse each Sunday, and beyond!

Spamrider

Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler who had discovered that he had already been publishing information on our website for years while he was visiting the future.  Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird, and is probably full of crap, so we both just looked at each other, shrugged are shoulders, and pretty much just went with it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

error

Enjoyed this? Please spread the word :)