By Garion
Today my enchanting paramour found a notice on our door from Animal Control. It contained a threat to take the Lord away from us…
Upon reading this, the Lord and I gazed upon one another, he with his big brown pitiful puppy eyes, and I with my green fanatical human eyes, were joined in dread purpose. The old fat white bitch down the way had a run in yesterday night with another neighbor’s dog, and blamed the Lord. She had complained to the “authorities” that it was he that runs around without a leash, angering her misanthropic animal. It was then that we made this oath.
“I am a soldier of God.” said the Lord and Saint Garion.
“I am a Warrior and a member of a team.” We continued, “I serve GOD and live by HIS values.”
“I will always place the Lord first.” We chanted in unison.
“We will never accept defeat.” We continued… “We will never quit.”
“We will always resurrect the fallen.”
“We are disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in our fuck warrior tasks…”
“We are God’s chosen.”
“And THIS bitch four doors down has just FUCKED with the wrong dog.”
Then I said unto the Lord, “Are you ready to seek out and utterly destroy this woman in close combat?”
And the Lord replied, “No, let them take me and put me to death.”
And I, Saint Garion replied, “No, I am a guardian of freedom and the Godly way of life.”
I continued, “I am a soldier of God.”
An upside down midget in my mother’s kitchen explained it all to me while doing “The Hustle” and speaking backwards.
The face of the virgin mary is on a chip in a pringles can. She will speak to you…listen.
Just listen.