Helpful Hints from Helloise
“Thanks for all the feedback on last weeks helpful hint ‘Be kind to your chainsaw and it will be kind to you.’ And Bob in the Bronx- that was a brilliant and rather creative notion you had for eliminating your mother-in-law. Please let me know how it works out for you.
Well today s tip is how to remove a dead body from your kitchen floor. I am quite sure that I am not the only one amongst us who has had to deal with this trifling dilemma at least a dozen times. I know that I have! Gee, only last week I felt obligated to dispose of a pesky neighbor who insisted of showing me his recent holiday snaps from his trip to the Greek Islands. And the last thing I wanted to see is, Fred, (not his real name for legal reasons…) posing on a nude beach with sunburn in places where the sun shouldn t even be shining.
So there he was Fred, dead, on the middle of my newly tiled marble kitchen floor. Naturally I needed to dispose of Fred in a timely and effective fashion. Now, I know what you must be thinking, why don’t you chop him up and dispose of him chunk by chunk in the waste disposal? But, as I am sure you know from experience, this can be both messy, extremely time consuming and utterly exhausting. And besides unless you have an industrial strength disposal they do tend to jam. And explaining how you managed to jam it up can take an awful lot of explaining to the befuddled plumber. The first thing I suggest doing is placing on a full length white apron. Always use white, so afterwards you can wash it in boiling water and bleach out all those grim stains. When it is on slip on your rubber gloves, mine are a lovely floral pink color, but go with what suits you best.
When dressed apropiately you begin the process by getting rid of any identifying marks. What I suggest, after a lot of messy experimentation, is using an iron for this. Put the iron on the highest setting. As it heats up place a white towel on the floor, and position the body’s right hand palm up. With that done it is a simple procedure to iron each finger until there is not even a hint of fingerprints. I must caution you that the stench can be a little off putting. So please make sure that you open a window or two. I normally have a couple of jasmine scented candles burning also to camouflage the stench of cooking flesh. When the right hand is done simply repeat with the left. Easy peasy!
Next, cleanse the bottom of the iron, and put it neatly away. Cleanliness is next to Godliness after all.
The next task is a little harder, but a critical step.
Arm yourself with a pair of pliers. I always keep some in my all-purpose kitchen drawer as I find they often come in handy for little jobs throughout my day.
Take a deep breath and reach into the mouth, still wearing your gloves, and pull the teeth out. I was fortunate to have had to dispose of a body in England once, and there were only five teeth to remove- and three of those were rotton. It works easiest working to the front to the back. Naturally there will be a little blood, but as their heart (has hopefully) stopped beating at this stage, it should not be so bad. The back teeth are the trickiest, and you might have to place your foot on the head as you force them out. Remember always bend with your legs and not your back.Safety first in my book!
The next step is to canvas the body for any distinguishing features such as tattoos or birthmarks. Now, depending on the victim this can be a jolly fun or incredibly nauseating. I find that music is a great distraction as you do this bit. I strongly recommend Liberace to be played. There is something so uplifting in his music don t you think?
If you do by chance come across a tattoo or birthmark you are going to have to remove it. I recently procured a lovely set of Japanese ceramic sushi knives that are jet black. As you surely know they are much sharper than steel blades, and do not absorb any odors. Just be careful not to drop them as they will shatter. Now, anyone who has ever skinned a fish should have no trouble with this process. If you aren’t experienced in such matters might I suggest that you practice by skinning a fuzzy peach? And afterwards you can reward yourself with a refreshing Peach daiquiri. You simply put the sharp blade against the skin and slice away. You cannot go too deep. Sometimes to remove all the ink you need to go back and shave of several layers of skin. A note of caution, however much you are tempted to keep it as a souvenir- please do not!
With that done you are ready for the trickiest part of the entire process. I suggest that at this point you take a breather and enjoy a nice cup of herbal tea- I am fond of Chamomile- but anything is appropiate just as long as it does not contain caffeine. Panicking is your enemy. Let calmness be you friend. Breathe in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth as you sip on your tea.
Once you are fully composed and relaxed it is time to proceed with the task at hand.
First you need to redress the body. I happen to have on hand several clown outfits- trust me there is a reason for this- I dress them up into something straight out of a Stephen king book! I apply makeup; big white circles around the eyes, an exaggerated red mouth, and I stick on the honking nose. Please do not be tempted to put the oversized shoes on the cadaver yet. As that makes the body extremely troublesome to maneuver.
When your corpse is all jollied up in the clown suit, make sure that it is late enough for no-one to be about. You might have to wait several hours. Ideally, from years of experience, between three and four in the morning works best for aany unsavory tasks.
Steady your nerves and drag the body by the feet into your garage. Next you need to do a fireman’s lift on your victim. If you do not know how to do this I explained in great detail two months ago on my column on arson.
You ease your clown into the trunk of your car, and place the shoes on top! Firmly close the trunk, and set out into the night.
What you need to do is find a nearby school. A school for younger kids works best I have found but use a high school if you must.In my experience Catholic schools work best of all- and that would be the ideal scenario.
As you pull into the parking lot, once more make sure that there is no-one about. When you are completely confident that you aren’t being observed moving as quickly as possible, transport the dead clown to the middle of the playing area. When he is posed appropiately in place race back for the shoes.After the shoes are on is a good time to accessorize. Anything clown related will do; from plastic flowers that squirt water, to giant horns, to colorful balloon animals. Anything jolly anhances the trauma of the unsuspecting kid when stumbling upon your trophy.
I know at this point you will be tired! But I urge you to get up early the next morning and watch the local news! You have no idea how much alarm it causes when some child encounters a dead, toothless clown in the playground.
I have done this seven times now, in different schools across this great land of ours, and the hoopla it has created has been astounding. Can you even imagine what would happen if dead clowns started to appear all over the country on a weekly basis? Oh what a laugh that would be.
So there you have it!
Stay tuned for my next helpful hint next month.
‘How to while away the days in a mental asylum.’