And the Lord said unto Garion, “Let Animal Control come, all they can do is kill me, I’ll just come back.”
“Yes, but as what?” I asked.
“A turtle.” sayeth the Lord.
Then I told the Lord, “Unacceptable, I shall call upon your father.” God hearing Garion’s words spoke unto his Saint, “So you’re ready to beat some ass?”
“Yep,” I replied matter-of-factly.
“Take the Lord for a walk.” God continued as we casually made our way outside and down the street, “You, You must be inconspicuous, unnoticeable.” The universe stopped for a moment, “Fuck it, go knock on the bitches door, I’ll fill her lungs with fire and ash!”
“Um, I thought we were trying to be subtle?” I said unto God.
“Subtlety isn’t my thing.” He answered then regressed, “Ok, be calm and self controlled, don’t rip the bitches throat out or nothing, but if you do that’s ok too.” “Concentrate, notice all things, and stop thinking about Brittney Spears fucking a turtle.” “Center on her weakness, namely food.” Then I, reflecting carefully upon the profound words of God, found myself knocking on the enemy’s front door.
“What are we doing?” I asked the almighty.
“We, and by ‘we’ I mean you, are going to say hi.” God replied. I remember thinking that he said moments before that we had to be unnoticeable. She answered the door.
And the Lord said to Garion, “Have compassion for this woman she knows not what she do…” He continued. “Should that be do or does and how come nobody speaks Hebrew anymore? Fuck! I HATE English! Or is that Americans?” Puppy metabolism, you do realize, has had a pronounced effect on the Lord.
When the woman heard the voice of the Lord coming from the confused and angry looking brown eyed puppy, she immediately began to cry. She started trying to wash his paws with her tear soaked hair. God the father became enraged, “You have GOT to be fucking kidding me, THIS BITCH wanted to KILL you!”
The woman who called animal control lowered her head to wash his paws, and the Lord fucking bit her nose.
“Vengeance Is Mine.” Sayeth the Lord.