For those of you that don’t believe in the divine, you should get into your car right now, travel to your local grocer and purchase some goat cheese. As part of our Christmas celebration, we sat in front of the TV eating meat, cheese, and crackers. Now when the goat cheese touched my tongue God appeared before us by crashing through our living room window as a dove, and filling the room with a bright light.
God: “THIS IS GOAT CHEESE, AND WITH IT I AM WELL PLEASED.” Then the bird landed on the goat cheese and took back off for the window.
We were scared shitless. There was a bird in the house, the cold weather and light from outside were coming in, and God was speaking from outside of my head. The dining room chars chairs even discontinued there staring contest over whether or not there were 6 or 7 Jeromes in the present world. These were the chairs that were previously becoming literally unglued; now they looked at each other as if to say ‘Holy Shit that dove just stole Saint Garion’s goat cheese.’
God (now back in Saint Garion’s head): “It wasn’t supposed to do that… I was just trying to make a point. This just goes to show, you can’t fucking trust birds; too highly evolved.”
Saint Garion watched in horror as the bird took his cheese and flew out the window, “NOOO!”
The Lord, who is very used to being punished for crimes that are not his own, took action and leapt through the window, catching the little fuck bastard dove in the air like it was a Frisbee. The Lord fell carefully to the ground, landing on all four paws, and accidentally swallowed the cheese and mauled the shit out of the bird, accidentally.
The Lord who is a puppy: “Hey that goat cheese was pretty good; I guess we don’t have to destroy the world right now after all. Peace, Love, goodwill to human kind.”