There was that one night when I was sleeping, a really nice, deep sleep. Probably the first time in ages I was having a sleep not induced by alcohol.
Sleeping away I was when the phone rang. Of course I thought it was a dream, but it just kept on ringing. I opened my eyes, looked at the time (1 a.m.??!!), fell off the couch and wandered over to answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey, you awake? It’s Bob.”
“It’s one in the morning! Do you really think I’m awake?”
“Yeah, it’s like I don’t care. Hey, need you to pick me up at the Greyhound station.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. I’ve been fired from trucking. Need you to get down there now. It’s not safe here, you know.”
No. No it wasn’t.
The Greyhound station in downtown Omaha is probably the most unsafe place to be in the early morning in the whole wide world. The sites there are just too horrifying to write about.
So, after promise of payment from Bob, I headed down to the bus station in my Datsun with the broken axle and picked him and a bunch of luggage up. Why he had so much luggage, I have no idea. He’s a wee person, could have done with an overnight bag.
The story was this:
He had left Omaha the week before with a truckload of jams and jellies to be delivered to Minneapolis. When the company hadn’t heard from him for a few days, the sent out the trucking authorities who found him wandering through a cornfield in Iowa, no truck to be found.
He claimed that he was driving, minding his own business when the truck was surrounded by actual children of the corn and they stole his truck along with all the jams and jellies. They tried crucifying him as well, but since he hadn’t bathed in a few days he just slipped out of the knots. He also smelled really bad so they decided to let him go so he wouldn’t stink up their community.
The trucking company didn’t believe this even though there is documented proof of children of the corn. They had no choice but to fire Bob and have me pick up his stinky butt from a Greyhound station.
As for the payment, Bob enrolled me in a cheap Jelly Of The Month club for a year. It looked like something he was doing from home. Where he got all that jelly, I have no idea. But it made for some great re-gifts.
More Lunatic Ravings…
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