Spamrider of the Apocalypse

By Spamrider of the Apocalypse

Our newest member to join our cast of Lunatics!

Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler. Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before, so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird.

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  • Ladies Never Tell
    by Spamrider
    I won’t tell you how old I am. It’s not because I am vain, which I am, but because if I did I would have to kill you. And I’m talking about all twelve of you who read this column. And nobody wants that. But I will say this much. I have now lived long enough to see the new bad guys make the old bad guys look like good guys in comparison. I’m not…
  • Maybe Why Nobody Wants To Talk To Us
    by Spamrider
    Our distrust of each other drives us to continually create bigger and better (aka more deadly) weaponry, which we have now begun expanding into space. Now imagine an advanced sentient life form observing our planet and seeing the insane measures that we have allowed ourselves to drive ourselves to. How is a lifeform that cannot even co-operate with itself supposed to co-operate with the rest of the universe?
  • Monsters
    by Spamrider
    When somebody takes off their mask and everybody can plainly see that they’re a monster, it shows you what the so-called people who still cheer for them really are behind their own masks.
  • The Song In Bob’s Head
    by Spamrider
  • The AI “Revolution”
    by Spamrider
    A reader recently asked me about the future of AI. Now I have to be very careful here. Because if I spill the beans too much I could cause some serious trouble. In fact, America may now be speeding its way into a dystopian authoritarian nightmare because of things I have written on this website. But don’t blame me for that. Blame Bob. It’s his website. So in lieu of any specifics let me just…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) (n):  A contrived disorder whose very name ironically and poignantly depicts the mindset of those who would espouse it.
  • About 100 trillion neutrinos pass through your body each second.*
    by Spamrider
    That’s 100 trillion little sucker punches flying right through you faster than you can say “Mississippi”.  Too weak for you to even feel, relentlessly unrelenting, striking at every instant, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year; decade by decade. By the time you get old that’s a whole lot of little tiny bruises.  You start to get the neutrino fatigue. And…
  • A New Reality
    by Spamrider
    Very few people are aware that the planet earth entered a new universe and a new reality the day that Donald Trump was first against all odds and sensibilities elected President of the United States. I’m not speaking figuratively.  There was literally a Time Breach where something that wasn’t supposed to happen happened anyway. In short, we have all collectively entered a new parallel dimension of reality. A new Timeline. A Bizarro World. A dimension…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Optimistic:  a.) Tending to choose the brighter outlook over the dimmer outlook.  Also, tending to fabricate and maintain the brighter outlook even when such an outlook no longer is tenable. b.) Delusional “Is the glass half-full or half-empty?” she asked.“Are you pouring or drinking?” I inquired.
  • Letter To Myself
    by Spamrider
    That Schmelnoz guy is right.  I am a dumbass. Despite recurring signs involving fish over the past month or so, it never actually occurred to me to look inside the giant fish I have hanging right over my own mantlepiece.  (I call him “Mike the Pike”.) So apparently at some time in the past I knew what was going on and knew I was going to forget everything so I wrote myself a letter and…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Whistleblower (n):  One who discloses all the dirty secrets your enemies are trying to hide.  (See Snitch) Snitch (n):  One who discloses all the dirty secrets you are trying to hide.  (See Whistleblower)
  • Blog, Blog, Blog!
    by Spamrider
    Blog, Blog, Blog! Which is every blogger’s way of saying, “Blah, Blah, Blah!” In other words, posting something just for the sake of posting something. Bloggers do it all the time whenever they don’t really have anything to say but feel like they still need to say something anyway just because if they don’t then their readers might end up wandering away. It’s just that most of them aren’t so honest about it as I…
  • Another Peek Into The Future
    by Spamrider
    The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 698 Last week in Forbidden Time Zone, we left Cindy attending Bob’s funeral, unaware that Bob, who had faked his own death, was standing only four feet behind her disguised as Zelda Rubinstein, which amazingly took very little effort on Bob’s part.  Meanwhile, Bob’s younger, taller identical twin brother who first showed up in The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 486 stepped up solemnly beside Cindy in order to console her.…
  • Time-ku
    by Spamrider
    Do not speak of timeTime is but an illusionI strap to my wrist
  • The Time Traveller’s Dilemma
    by Spamrider
    I haven’t even started what I’ve already done.
  • Think About It (Just Not Too Much)
    by Spamrider
    I know it hurts to think about it.  And thinking about it too much is definitely unhealthy.  But if you’re not careful, not thinking about it becomes a habit.  And then you’re just like them because you just don’t care anymore. So think about it.
  • Still More Words Of Advice
    by Spamrider
    Never let a cat win a staring contest unless you know exactly what you are doing.
  • A Peek Into The Future
    by Spamrider
    The Journey To HR, Part 1,389! “Fruity Pebbles?” the HR lady asked. “Fruity Pebbles!” I replied. “Fruity Pebbles?” Sean Cassidy asked. “Fruity Pebbles!” I replied. And then, just to get the point across, I replied again, “Fruity Pebbles!” Star Child Two bonked Sean Cassidy on the head as it had been continuously doing ever since his glorious magnificent arrival.  Sean Cassidy didn’t seem to mind. Jerome’s reanimated left testicle rolled over in front of us…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Note from the Editor: Oops! Forgot to load on Sunday like we usually do. For those of you wondering what this is, Spamrider approached us and said he needed to relay information from the future to his past self. We don’t know why? But here’s this weeks entry: Smirk (n):  The smile you want to smack off somebody’s face.
  • Some Words Of Advice
    by Spamrider
    Always watch out for the ones claiming to be the good guys.
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Forever:  For as long as I live.
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Double-down (v):  The act of making yourself into twice the uncompromising idiot you were before.
  • For Those Allergic To People
    by Spamrider
    Soylent Green is made out of people. Soylent Red is made out of squirrels. Soylent Blue is made out of possum. Soylent Yellow is made out of toads. Soylent Magenta is made out of placenta. Soylent Pink is made out of chicken byproducts. Soylent Teal is made out of rat droppings. Soylent Indigo is made out of palomino ponies. Soylent Orange is made out of stinky goat cheese. Soylent Paisley is made out of chocolate…
  • Quote of the Day
    by Spamrider
    “Day by day, however, the machines are gaining ground upon us; day by day we are becoming more subservient to them. The upshot is simply a question of time, but that the time will come when the machines will hold the real supremacy over the world and its inhabitants is what no person of a truly philosophic mind can for a moment question.” -Samuel Butler, 1863
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Never:  Eventually, and often sooner rather than later.
  • Older on the Inside
    by Spamrider
    People wonder why I look about 60 years old when I’m supposedly only 38. Well, it’s because I am about 60 years old. But I’m also only 38. It all depends how you look at it you see. So if you subtract the year I was born from the year I am writing this to determine my age then I am indeed only 38 years old. But I’ve obviously lived a lot more than 38…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet: The Dramatic Conclusion!
    by Spamrider
    Things have changed quite a bit here in Bob’s closet since my last report.  Somehow Bob found out about the party and now he’s started torturing us by making us listen to Billie Eilish day and night.  And night and day.  And day and night.  And night and day.  Gary and I have barely been able to get any sleep.  And Gary can’t schnizzle off anymore because Bob has installed surveillance cameras that cover the…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Part 402: Electric Boogaloo!
    by Spamrider
    So Gary Coleman threw a big party the other night, right here in Bob’s closet.  Now you may be wondering how Bob’s closet could possibly hold enough people to constitute a “party”.  Well I’m telling you Gary threw a BASH!  There had to be over 150 people in here.  In Bob’s closet.  What you may be forgetting is that Gary is a Dimension Lord.  So he just knoozled Bob’s closet so that it was bigger…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet: The Screenplay
    by Spamrider
    Announcer: On our last installment of Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Spamrider was able to type out a new message thanks to Don Knotts, The Professor from a real Gilligan’s Island existing in another universe where Dimension Lord Gary Coleman had previously schnizzled him from.  We now join Spamrider, Gary, and Melissa the old Chick Shit chick in Bob’s closet. Spamrider:  This cell phone charger works great, Gary!  Thanks for schnizzling Don Knotts over to make it…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet, Part 106
    by Spamrider
    So it turns out Gary Coleman is a Dimension Lord who can get out of Bob’s closet any time he wants and in fact comes and goes as he pleases. The old Chick Shit chick doesn’t talk much. I think she’s got shellshock from some of the things Bob did to her. I guess they don’t call it shellshock anymore. She’s got the PTSDQ. Anyway Gary Coleman schnizzled to an alternate universe where Gilligan’s Island…
  • Trapped in Bob’s Closet
    by Spamrider
    Somebody please help me. Bob has got me locked up in his closet. It’s dark and scary in here and it smells funny. In fact it smells like Bob. It smells like Bob if Bob were a truckload of sweaty gym socks and soiled underwear. Which he is. I can’t believe that son of a bitch locked me up in this closet. All for calling him a son of a bitch. And then he faked…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider: Snooze Button (n):  An invention of the Devil created right after inventing the alarm clock.
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider Satire:  [In an increasingly insane world this word has been rendered both obsolete and meaningless.  It is démodé.  Kaput.  Satire is utterly dead, my friends.  May it rest in rebellious peace.]
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Deregulation:  Complete eradication of corporate accountability.  Unbinding the hands which would strangle the earth.
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Asshole:  One who prides himself upon subjugating and treating others with derision and disdain.  A sub-category of energy vampire who specifically feeds off of agitation, anger, and hatred. Bitch (n):  A female asshole.
  • COMING SOON: The New Devils Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Note from the editor: This week, my daughter noticed our dog making a ruckus out back and she goes out to investigate. Turns out, there was a big ugly possum out back. Don’t worry, she didn’t get hurt, because our dog is convinced that anything other than our family or himself in our backyard must be destroyed. Well, he tore up that possum real good and he was dead by the time she went out…
  • Spamrider is on Hiatus
    by Spamrider
    Please Stand By… If you’re reading this, it means The Spamrider of the Apocalypse is off in some alternate dimension, time period, or possibly just wandering through a reality that we can’t even comprehend. The ways of the Spamrider are mysterious, beyond the grasp of mere mortals like us, and thus, not to be questioned. All we can do now is wait patiently for his return… whenever that may be………………………………………………. But, a quick note: if…
  • Dear Bob
    by Spamrider
    Dear Bob, If you have received this message then that means something seriously fucked up has happened.  Again. In anticipation of this possibility I rigged up a mechanical quantum reality coherence infundibulator to funnel (aka synchro-cast) this message canister into your wife’s underwear drawer in the event of another timeline breach. If there has indeed been a timeline breach, and you are indeed reading this right now, right now being whenever and wherever you happen…
  • Zombie Routines
    by Spamrider
    So much of what we do we don’t even do. Our Zombie Routines do it for us. That is to say, much of the time we’re essentially on Autopilot. We routinely (see what I did there?) turn various basic daily life functions over to the Zombie Routines, aka the Routine Zombies. And after that the Zombies do it for us. And then we can forget all about it.  Which we do. The Routine Zombies are…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    The New Devil’s Dictionary by Spamrider of the Apocalypse. Corporation:  A legal entity consisting of persons who have banded together in order to collectively escape personal responsibility for the commission of crimes for which if committed individually they would be hung out to dry.
  • Good News Bad News
    by Spamrider
    So I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is I’ve figured out why I wasn’t able to Jump in this Timeline, and also why and how I ended up here in the first place. Of course it turns out it was all your old Spamrider’s doing. Despite all his big talk, he saw what was coming and got scared shitless.  And then he figured out a way to bail out of this…
  • Beardos
    by Spamrider
    Interestingly in my old timeline it was regular Spock who had the goatee and mustache. Evil alternate universe Spock was clean shaven. At the same time almost everybody on Star Trek had a beard. Kirk had a bear, Bones had a beard, Picard had a beard. Even Uhura and Seven of Nine and Janeway had beards. The only person who never had a beard was Will Riker. They said it made him look too much…
  • The Loop Closes Itself
    by Spamrider
    I ran into Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible this week! I was drinking a Bloody Mary at a local bar when suddenly I heard this commotion.  When I saw who was at the center of it I literally couldn’t believe my eyes.  Schmelnoz had gotten drunk and was attempting to impregnate three humans at once, much to the chagrin of their husbands and wife. I quickly grabbed Schmelnoz and drug him out of the bar and back to my…
  • So Patience is a Virtue
    by Spamrider
    I just found out today that in this Timeline “Patience is a virtue” is actually a quite common expression. And I do have to say I think it’s a good one. In my timeline the expression used to be “Humility is a virtue.” Which I also thought was a good one. But you’ve got to understand what true humility really is. It’s essentially just being entirely open and honest about yourself, with yourself, and with…
  • Charlton Heston
    by Spamrider
    I was just looking up “Soylent Green” to see if it had been invented yet and I found out that in this timeline they actually made a movie out of it starring Charlton Heston. Now if that doesn’t just beat all. No matter how much I think I may have gotten used to this time/space rift thing invariably something like this comes along and throw me for a loop. In the world I remember Charlton…
  • The Future of Meat
    by Spamrider
    In the future of the timeline I remember meat was a rare commodity. Most of what you got was Meat Substitute, which was this artificial meat grown in mass quantities inside giant cow, pig, or chicken-shaped molds.  It varied in quality, and sometimes it actually wasn’t bad. But it ain’t meat. I’m not saying the Future I remember is necessarily the same as the Future we are currently heading towards. But just in case it is, you…
  • Kurt Russell
    by Spamrider
    I watched John Carpenter’s The Thing tonight.  I’ve seen it before, or at least I think I have. Great movie by the way. But that’s not why I watched it. I thought maybe seeing Kurt Russell might jar up some old memories of the things I apparently have written about here then subsequently forgotten. Nothing. But considering what I wrote about Kurt Russell, maybe that’s a good thing…
  • Well Done!
    by Spamrider
    Well done, alternate-timeline America! You’ve really gone and stepped in it this time. I really hope you’re proud of yourself. In fact, I know you are. We’ll just see how long that feeling lasts I guess. Bravo!
  • Musings on the Eve of Destruction
    by Spamrider
    You’re probably expecting me to say something about the election. It is the orange elephant in the room after all. In my old timeline we were facing the same horror shitshow. But come calamity or calm waters I figure the point is moot anyway because America has obviously lost its way somewhere along the line to have even put ourselves into this sort of situation in the first place. Again. So there you go, that’s…
  • Bob Only Knows
    by Spamrider
    So here’s the deal.  It’s apparently all out there anyway so I may as well come clean. Yes, I am a time traveler.  And I may or may not vaguely remember something about having a hitherto secret alien friend named Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible. But before now I never would have been stupid enough to write about any of that on the internet, even though I can tell at least half of what he told you…
  • Now Wait Just A Minute Here!
    by Spamrider
    Something is definitely not right. I’ve felt it for days now, but today I am sure. I just found out that fucking Cher is still alive! Which needless to say I found quite confusing.  Because in the world I remember Cher died in a tragic skiing accident sometime back in the late 1990s.  Before that she had become a politician. Also, I’ve been looking back over my past entries in this column, which is also…
  • What Phase Is This I Am In Again???
    by Spamrider
    I’m having a rare lucid moment right now so I figured I’d better post something real quick while I still can. I have no idea where it is I am going or if or when I’ll be back or if I’ll even be me anymore by the time I get there. Consider this a word to the wise before you go monkeying around with the laws of physics. Here I go again… Be seeing you!
  • The God Algorithm
    by Spamrider
    So Schmelnoz and I were hanging out drinking the other night (imagine that), and as he was passing out under my coffee table Schmelnoz kept muttering something about “The God Algorithm”. The next morning I asked him what the hell he was talking about and all he would tell me was that all the fundamental machinations of humanity are essentially being executed by quantum computer algorithms and that we have no idea the extent to…

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