Once upon a time, there lived a very unhappy boy named Joey.”I’m rather unhappy.” He noted one morning, so he decided to go out and buy himself some drugs.
He went wandering down to the market and stumbled across an old man named Stumpy. He was named this because he had no arms and legs, and the villagers weren’t particularly kind in their nicknaming of people.
“Hey,” said Joey, “I’d like to buy some drugs.”
“Hmm…” said Stumpy, “I don’t know… you look kind of young to be out purchasing drugs.”
“Do you still have testicles?” asked Joey.
“Well, then get me some drugs or I’ll stomp on your testicles.”
Stumpy was left no choice but to give in.
However Joey quickly learned his first lesson: don’t threaten the man who’s getting you drugs.
As a result, Joey soon found himself in the worst trip he’d ever had in his life.
Once he was finally completely devoured by caterpillars, he woke up. It was three days later, he was twelve miles away from his town, and he had soiled himself repeatedly.
“Well, that didn’t help at all,” Joey said, understandably upset.
He headed back to the village, but along the way he happened to come across a coyote. This was a very strange coyote, however, as it had not only its usual four furry coyote legs, but also a pair of human arms and human legs attached to him.
Joey was understandably intrigued.
“Hey there,” he said to the coyote, “did you get those limbs from a man named Stumpy?”
“Well, he wasn’t named Stumpy at the time,” replied the coyote.
“That man recently burned me on a drug deal,” Joey said, punching the palm of his left hand with his right fist, “I need to get him back.”
“Don’t you think not having any arms or legs is bad enough?” asked the Coyote.
“No,” said Joey.
The coyote shrugged with its human arms. “Well, then perhaps I have something you might be interested in.”
The coyote led Joey into a cave. Inside this cave Joey saw a beautiful unconscious woman.
“Wow,” he said, “that unconscious woman is quite beautiful.”
“I guess,” said the coyote. “However, she is completely evil as well. If you present her to the old man, not only will he have trouble having sex with her because he has no limbs, but she will also torment him for the rest of his pathetic life.”
“Ok then, I’ll take her.”
“It’s not as simple as that,” said the coyote. “If you want her, you’ll have to do something for me.”
“And what is that?”
The coyote explained it to him. Joey was shocked and horrified by what he must do, but in the end he decided it was worth it.
He went out the next morning and did this thing. It took 5 hours. When he returned, he was understandably shaken and had to bathe himself 12 times before he felt clean enough to go on with his life.
“Ok, I have done for you this horrible deed,” said Joey. “Now give me the evil woman.”
“Very good,” said the coyote. “But be warned: whatever you do, do not have sex with this woman.”
“Ok,” said Joey.
The coyote slapped the woman around a bit to wake her, then sent the two of them off on their way.
After walking for ten minutes, Joey turned to the woman and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“You know I’m totally evil, right?” She replied.
“Yeah,” said Joey. “I think it’s hot.”
She shrugged. “Let’s find a bush.”
So the two of them wandered off the dusty road until they came to a field of bushes.
“Which bush would you prefer?” Asked Joey.
She shrugged again.
Hmm… he thought, She doesn’t SEEM like much of a bitch…
He selected a purplish bush and they had several different, interesting kinds of sex underneath it.
When they were done, Joey was tired.
“I’m going to go to sleep now,” he said, “but first I’m going to bury you up to your neck in dirt so you won’t go wandering off while I’m asleep.”
“Ok,” said the woman.
Joey spent several hours digging the hole and once he’d buried her in it, he was completely exhausted. He lay down and fell instantly to sleep.
That night had several unpleasant dreams involving chipmunks, but when he woke up the next morning, everything seemed fine. The woman’s sleeping head was still poking out of the ground next to him and she seemed peacefully asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, Joey went off into the field of bushes and took a piss on an unhealthy looking brownish bush. Just as he was zipping up his pants to leave, he heard a small voice from behind him.
“Thank you,” it said.
“Huh?” Said Joey turning around. “Who’s speaking?”
“The bush,” said the voice. “I was once the bush of a wonderful king,” it told him, “I had all the water and fertilizer I always wanted until one day… the prince was out playing in the garden and he scratched himself on me. Enraged, the king had me expelled from his garden. He had his wizard place a curse on me so that no rain would ever fall upon my roots. For ten thousand years I’ve sat here, watching storms and floods pour through this field, dampening every bush except me. I thought the torment would never end, until today you came along. The wizard didn’t think to include anything about urine in his curse, so that is the first water I’ve had in ten thousand years.”
“Wow,” said Joey.
“In return, I will grant you three wishes.”
“Really?” said Joey.
“Actually,” the voice said, “I just made all that up. I’m actually a mouse and you just pissed all over me, you asshole.”
“Um…” said Joey, “sorry?”
“Not as sorry as you’re about to be,” said the mouse and before Joey knew what had happened, it had shot up his pant leg and chewed off his testicles.
Joey screamed and writhed in agony, struggling to get the mouse off him, but to no avail. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, a bloated, dead mouse fell out of his pants. Joey had no testicles left at all.
“Stupid mouse!!” He screamed stomping on the already dead mouse over and over again in his rage. “I hate you!!”
Finally, sobbing and emasculated he returned to his purple bush where the beautiful woman’s head looked up at him worryingly.
“What’s wrong?” She said.
“Stupid… Fucking… Mouse…” Joey sobbed. “Chewed off my testicles!”
“That must’ve hurt…” said the woman, “I mean, I don’t have testicles, but having anything chewed off would hurt.”
“When it’s testicles, it hurts more,” whimpered Joey.
“Would having sex again make it better?”
“I can’t have sex without testicles!!” Screamed Joey and broke down into another sobbing fit.
“Oh… I’m sorry,” the woman said.
Finally Joey got himself together again and started to formulate a plan.
“Ok,” he said to the buried woman, “here’s what we’re going to do: I’m going to give you to Stumpy, but making him suffer is no longer your top priority. Instead, I want you to get me his testicles. Make sure they’re on ice, and then I’ll get them to a wizard and he can attach them to me. Do you understand?”
The woman nodded, and, confident she understood, he began to dig her out of the ground.
When they finally made it back to the village, it was almost night again. Stumpy was not hard to find, because he didn’t move very far in general.
“Hi, Stumpy,” said Joey. “Those drugs you gave me were the best. I had the most amazing trip of my life.”
“…Really?” Said Stumpy, looking confused. “That’s… um… good…”
“And out in the wilderness I found this beautiful nymph! I thought the only adequate way to pay you back would be to give you this nymph for your enjoyment. She’s wonderful at sex!… I’m told.”
“Um,” said Stumpy, “if you’re trying to mock me because you think it would be hard for me to have sex lacking any limbs, I hate to break it to ya, kid, but I have quite a nice system worked out…”
“Oh, that’s not it at all,” said Joey, “really, I just want you to enjoy yourself.”
Stumpy shrugged. “Alright then,” he said, “come along, ho.”
The woman picked up Stumpy and carried him into a nearby inn, giving Joey a knowing nod.
All Joey could do now is sit back and wait. Soon enough, he’d have some new testicles and he’d be able to have sex with this beautiful woman again. He’d just try not to think about the fact that she’d also had sex with Stumpy… and also that he would now be using Stumpy’s balls.
Just when he was beginning to wonder if Stumpy was into tantric sex, the woman emerged from the inn.
“Did you get them?” Joey asked excitedly, “did you get the testicles?”
The woman nodded, holding up a small paper sack. “Yes, but… there’s one problem…”
“What’s that?” Said Joey.
“That man had four of them.”
“Yes. Two like a normal persons, two smaller and furry… like a coyotes.”
“Oh,” said Joey. “Ohhhh.”
“Nothing. It’s just that something makes a little more sense to me now, that’s all. Come on, let’s go find a wizard.”
They went to the edge of town where a wizard was said to live. Sure enough, he lived there.
They told him what they wanted, and he nodded, stating his price. It wasn’t nearly as horrible a task as what the coyote had asked, but it involved getting a lot of money.
Jump forward in time (because I’m getting bored):
Joey is lying on the floor, a bag of gold on his chest. The woman stands over him with a club.
“Why?” He moans. “Why did you betray me?!”
“Um… you seem to forget the whole ‘me being evil’ thing.”
“Oh right. Shit.”
The woman picks up the bag of gold.
“Well, what are you going to do now?” Sobbed Joey.
“I’m going to go find a man with a big penis and have four more balls grafted on him.”
Joey started crying as she left. “I…” he whimpered. “I don’t have a large penis?”