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Doug had never really liked Ernie. He was an okay guy most times, if a little omnipresent. Maybe it was Doug’s fault for always picking him out in a crowd. Or maybe Ernie was actually everywhere. Then again, maybe it was the four extra arms that threw Doug for a loop.
You see, Ernie is a god. Not a very important one, probably why he was still in high school. But, nonetheless, he had the six arms and alligator head. Doug, being a Catholic, was naturally offended by Ernie, a clear and imposing assault to his faith. The first time they had met, Doug and Rupert, a Mormon, hadn’t believed Ernie’s proclamation of immortality and world ownership. But, he did have the six arms and alligator head.
Doug was careful to never get on Ernie’s bad side, no matter how perturbed he was. He had seen enough flaming corpses and car accidents to recognize Ernie’s power. He almost wished that he wasn’t Catholic so he could sacrifice a lamb to Ernie and the rest of the pantheon. That way, Ernie would be reluctant to kill Doug, one of his very own followers (Of course, you can never really tell with a deity like Ernie). He could be an angry vengeful god bent on complete subjugation. After all, what kind of peaceful god has six arms and an alligator head?
There is nothing that Doug can do, except wait until Ernie gathers up his minions and takes over the world, except for Antarctica (Because, let’s face it. Antarctica? Really, I mean, come on. Who wants Antarctica? Not even the Russians do.). Doug just hoped there would be a comfy job in the salt mines of Kuala Lumpur for him, instead of mass, ritualistic executions. And maybe, once Ernie was self-installed as dictator, he wouldn’t eat all of Doug’s pinochle cards.
Despite Ernie’s obvious divine superiority, he wasn’t very cocky about it. He wouldn’t claw anyone’s eyes out or push all of the elevator buttons so it takes forever just because he’s better than someone. Doug knew this guy on the track team, Ray, who made it look like sprinting was so terribly difficult and he was the only one who could do it. Doug never doubted that even Ernie could go faster. He might as well be able to run fast, he’s already got six arms and an alligator head.
Now that Doug is thinking about it, Ernie isn’t so bad, even though he does constantly say lowly slave instead of Doug. There are worse people who could kill everyone in fulfillment of their personal manifest destiny. But Ernie is the only one with six arms and an alligator head.
Not much, said Doug, and walked away.
Ernie finished off the card he was eating and thought to himself; I never really liked him. What kind of person plays pinochle?
Originally posted 05/15/2000