The Adventure of Cascadilla and Perkchip

Jon Stephenson

  • 15 Pages

Chapter 1

I’m sorry,” said Shantulopukobeebee, “but I am no longer the man you want to marry.”
Cascadilla gently placed the half-eaten chicken nugget on the Louis 20th solid silver gold oblong plate. A single tear formed in the corner of her left eye.

Don’t you love me anymore?” she managed to belch out.
She picked up a bon-bon and shoved it violently into her mouth.
“What happened between us?” she asked as a small dribble of bon exited her mouth.

“I am sorry,” Shantulopukobeebee replied.

Cascadilla wiped the bon goo off her chin with the back of her hand and flung the residue against the far wall.

“You are the only man I want to marry! I can marry no one else!”

“But Cascadilla,” said Shantulopukobeebee, “I lost my leg in a foosball game!”

Cascadilla sat stunned. The phone slipped from her fingers and fell into the bowl of Wheaties. A tiny splash of milk hit her in the eye, temporarily blinding her. She screamed and fell to the floor.

“Why oh why must this happen now!” she howled as she bashed her head repeatedly on the solid oak hardwood floor. “I only want to be loved!”

Shantulopukobeebee gently hung up the phone.

Chapter 2

Cascadilla woke up the next morning with a slight hangover. A mist engulfed the cottage, but as she looked out the music room’s window, she could see the sun trying to break through the fog. Today, she thought, is the day I get Shantulopukobeebee back since I cannot spend another minute without him.

She went to the dining room where Weezie had already set up breakfast. After devouring the canned ham, Cascadilla picked up the morning’s newspaper. She read the comics and tried the Junior Jumble, but could not unscramble “hte”.

Finally, she turned to the front page. “Shantulopukobeebee Yun Yo Tips Over On Street Corner and is Hit and Killed by Runaway Big Wheel”, screamed the headline.

Cascadilla sat stunned. The phone slipped from her fingers and fell into the bowl of Wheaties. A tiny splash of milk hit her in the eye, temporarily blinding her. She screamed and fell to the floor.

“Why oh why must this happen now!” she howled as she bashed her head repeatedly on the cold marble floor. “I only want to be loved!”

Weezie stepped over her and collected the dirty dishes.

Jorge Guadalupe Enriquez Sanchez-Cizano-Matinez-Alloyuziamiz-Perez-Montenegro looked up from his gardening and noticed Cascadilla standing at the picture window. She appeared to be staring directly into the sun. Jorge threw down his trowel and stood and stretched.

Cascadilla looked away from the sun and watched Jorge stretch. She noticed how deep his tan was. The stump, where his right arm used to be, swayed gently in the breeze. He turned and looked up at her as a faint smile crossed her pouting lips. He waved his stump at her and then fell to the ground to continue with his gardening.

Cascadilla turned from the window and looked around the room. I just can’t stay here and feel sorry for myself, she thought, so I must do something to occupy my mind.
Her decision made, she walked to her bedroom and took some luggage from her closet. As she was throwing clothes into a suitcase, the walky-talky buzzed.
She unclipped the walky-talky from her belt and pressed the receive button. A voice with a slight German accent came from the small speaker.

“Ms. Cascadilla?”

“Yes Hans,” she replied as she sat on the bed. Hans had been her butler for over 78 years.

“Ummm, well it seems that today is a holiday and there will be no mail.”

Cascadilla sat stunned. The phone slipped from her fingers and fell into the bowl of Wheaties. A tiny splash of milk hit her in the eye, temporarily blinding her. She screamed and fell to the floor.

“Why oh why must this happen now!” she howled as she bashed her head repeatedly on the bright oriental carpet. “I only want to be loved!”

The carpet cleaners continued to steam clean the floor around her prone body.

Chapter 4

Sh’tstane stood on the platform waiting for the morning train. A few people stood around him, and all were reading the morning paper. A vendor walked around offering the waiting people a cup of coffee as his monkey hopped around offering everyone day old doughnuts. Sh’tstane pulled a cigarette from his front pocket and prepared to have his morning smoke.

As he was lighting his cigarette, he noticed a large, expensive looking Ford Pinto pull into the station. When the vehicle stopped, a tall blonde haired man exited from the drivers side, tripped and fell. He got up, walked to the passenger side and held the door open.

A woman got out of the vehicle ans stood as the tall man brushed lint from her coat. She licked him on the cheek and gave him a crumbled dollar bill. The tall man bowed, went to the trunk, pulled out her luggage and threw it at her feet.

The lady looked around the station and her eyes fell on Sh’tstane. He smiled at her and waved. Her eyes opened wide and she pointed at him.

“Wa…,” she started to say, but a cosmetic bag hit her in the face.

The smile left Sh’tstane’s face. He started to walk towards her.

The escaped bear raised it’s paw with the really, really long claws and swiped at Sh’tstane’s head.

Sh’tstane’s head flew off his body, hit the monkey and bounced towards the train tracks.

Cascadilla dove towards the head knowing that if it did reach the tracks, it would be quite hard to retrieve. She reached out as she dove and her fingers found some hair. She closed her fingers around the hair and held on. She landed on her back and the air was forced from her body.

Gasping for breath she tried to sit up but the monkey had started to jump on her chest. She finally got some air into her lungs, picked up the monkey and threw it into the path of the oncoming train.

The monkey started to flap its arms and it did seem to be flying, but the train rammed into it and the waiting passengers were sprinkled with bits of monkey goop.

Cascadilla stood with the head cradled in her arms and walked towards the body. I will marry this man, she decided

Chapter 5

As the ambulance pulled to the front of the emergency room, Doctor kincaid drank the last of his beer and put his surgery mask on. From what he could understand from the emergency call, this was going to be a long night and he had missed most of happy hour.

The ambulance screeched to a halt in front of the emergency room door. The driver hopped out and ran to the back of the vehicle. He tried to open the back door, but it was locked.

He knocked on the door for about one hour before someone inside unlocked the door. They pulled the gurney from the back of the vehicle and wheeled it into the emergency room.

Dr. Kincaid waited in room 3.

The paramedics wheeled the gurney to room 2.

Chapter 6

“That was a close call,” said Dr. Kincaid. “We almost lost him a few times there.”
Cascadilla nodded her head.

“Recovery should take 3 days,” he continued. “The rehabilitation will take some time though.”

Cascadilla nodded her head.

“I would expect him to be fully healed in about a week,” he continued again.

Cascadilla nodded her head.

“I have gas,” he continued yet again.

Cascadilla left the room.

Chapter 7

Young Perkchip ran around the living room as Sh’tstane and Cascadilla sat at the kitchen table. Every so often, Perkchip would run headfirst into a wall and laugh as the blood spewed from his ears.

“It is my duty to join the foreign legion,” said Sh’tstane.

“It is your duty to be a father and a husband,” said Cascadilla.

“But it is my duty to join the foreign legion,” said Sh’tstane.

“Exactly,” said Cascadilla.

Chapter 8

Perkchip stuck the fork in his eyeball as the Colonel sat with Cascadilla on the front porch.

“He just disappeared,” said the Colonel.

“Oh,” said Cascadilla.

“Would you like to try and find him?” asked the Colonel.

“I suppose that would be wise,” said Cascadilla as she removed the silver dollar from Perkship’s nose.

Chapter 9

“How did you find me?” asked Sh’tstane.

“Women’s intuition.” said Cascadilla.

“Wow,” said Sh’tstane.

Chapter 10

Perkchip sat in the middle of the kitchen, gleefully hacking at his toes with a meat cleaver.

“Last night I was abducted by aliens and…..” began Sh’tstane.

“Probed?” asked Cascadilla softly.

“Yes,” answered Sh’tstane. “Probed. I was probed.”

Chapter 11

Jorge held the gun to Sh’tstane’s head.

“I was the one who loved her,” said Jorge as tobacco dribbled down his chin.

Cascadilla picked up the ax and advanced on Jorge from behind.

Chapter 12

“Hey,” said Jorge, “that was was pretty funny.”

They all laughed as the alien turned and waved to them. They waved back as the alien disappeared into a green cloud.

“This is something we shall share with the whole world,” said Sh’tstane.

Perkchip held his severed pinky up to Cascadilla as she patted him on the head.

“It seems that Jorge has been shot and stabbed 257 times,” said the police officer.

“Where were Orenthal and Albert?” asked Cascadilla.

“Playing golf,” replied the officer.

“I must notify my husband,” said Cascadilla as she walked towards the phone.

Chapter 13

“I have always loved you,” said the policeman.

“I know,” said Cascadilla as she fell into his arms.

He looked into her eyes and then down to her heaving bosom. She wet her lips as he softly stroked her silky hair. As a moan escaped her mouth, he felt a longing he had not felt for some time. He carried her to the couch and lay her gently on it.

He looked at her lustfully and spontaneously combusted.

Chapter 14

“This is not right,” said Cascadilla.

“I am sorry ma’am, but there is nothing I can do,” said the clerk.

“Listen, you fart sucking dickheaded piece of maggoty fish shit f*ck shitter shitf*ckshitshitf*ckshit weenie f*ck, I want a new burrito,” said Cascadilla.

“I am sorry, but I cannot help you,” said the clerk.

“Well, f*ck you then,” said Cascadilla.

“Ma’am,” said the clerk. “f*ck you.”

“Ma’am.”

“f*ck you.”

Chapter 15

Reverend Bobby walked down the stairs. He held his left ear in his hand.

“Did it work?” asked Hans.

“Yes. At least I think so,” said Reverend Bobby.

“Has she been possessed for a long time?” asked Hans.

“No, maybe just the last chapter,” said Reverend Bobby.

“Ahhhh,”.said Hans.

Chapter 16

“Would you like something to drink?” asked the stewardess as Perkchip rammed the plastic cocktail into his ear.

“No thank you,” said Cascadilla. “By the way, who is flying the plane?”

“Today the pilot is Akmar Bel-Daboody,” replied the stewardess.

“Shit,” said Cascadilla. We’re going to have to jump out of the plane Perkchip.”

Chapter 17

“You’re going to have to open your parachute, dear,” said Cascadilla as Perkchip hurtled past her.

Perkchip giggled and Cascadilla watched as he landed head first on the ground.

She opened his parachute and floated gently to the ground. She landed a foot away from Perkchip.

Perkchip stood up, and blood streamed from his eyes as he continued to giggle.

“Oh dear,” said Cascadilla.

Chapter 18

Sheikh Mohamae-Al-Lejeun lit a cigarette as he looked out the tent at the desert that stretched before him. He breathed in the salt air and watched a flock of seagulls attacking a baby seal. His faithful servant, Sir Rawley Whippersnatch IV, brought him his afternoon tea.

“Well, Rawley,” said the Sheikh, “it does not seem if this war is going well.”

“I know,” said Rawley. “We may need a few guns or something. Bamboo sticks do not seem to work that well.”

The Sheikh nodded his head. For 275 years, they had been fighting the Neb-raskans for this stretch of desert. The Neb-raskans, armed with sporks, had constantly defeated the Sheikh’s troops. No blood had been shed, but the Neb-raskans had a knack of boring the troops to sleep with their incessant nonsensical talking. While the Sheikh’s troops slept, the Neb-raskans would steal their bamboo sticks in order to build an auditorium.

“We need someone who can lead the troops into battle, without the fear of the troops falling asleep,” said the Sheikh.

“Exactly,” said Rawley. “But who?”

Chapter 19

Cascadilla carried Perkchip to the convenience store. As she approached the store, she noticed that there was a massive pile of bamboo sticks surrounding the store.

When she entered the store, she noticed that everything was red. A man behind the counter, dressed in red, stood as she walked in.

Cascadilla went to the nearest cooler and picked out a bottle of water.

The man watched her with his one good eye as he spit tobacco on the floor.

Cascadilla walked to the counter and placed the bottle on it and opened her purse. The man hitched up his overalls and went to the register, his grimy bare feet leaving tracks in the puddles of snot and tobacco. He picked up the bottle and stared at it intently. A thin stream of snot leaked from his nose and dripped into his open mouth.

“Uhhh, where you get this?” he finally asked.

“The cooler,” replied Cascadilla.

The man scratched his head.

Cascadilla pulled a 5 dollar bill from her purse.

The man placed the bottle on the counter and pressed a button on the register.

He stared at the register for a minute, then looked at Cascadilla. “You know how much that is?” he asked as he pointed a muddy finger at the bottle.

“No,” replied Cascadilla.

The man scratched his armpit. He then insertered a finger into his nose and pulled out a huge wad of snot. He looked at it and then placed it gingerly in his mouth. After chewing it for a bit, he looked at Cascadilla. “I like Neb-raskan cuisine,” he said.

Cascadilla felt a sour taste rising in her throat. “Please sir”, she managed to say, “ I would just like to have this water.”

The man finished chewing and swallowed. “Uh, okay, uh how ‘bout, uh about 55 cents?”

“Fine,” said Cascadilla and handed him the 5 dollar bill.

The man looked at the bill. “What am I supposed to do with this?

“Just keep it,” said Cascadilla and she grabbed the bottle. As she turned to leave, she realized that she had just dealt with the lowest life form on earth, the common Neb-raskan.

She shuddered in horror, picked up Perkchip and left the store.

Chapter 20

The man stood on the hill and watched the 2 people leave the convenience store. He coughed and spit out a wad of tobacco that landed on the left leg of his red overalls. He wiped the back of his mouth and turned to the standing next to him.

“Well, Vern,” he said, “looks like we might have us a few new converts there.”

Vern squinted his eyes and spit a wad of tobacco which landed on a fold of his blubbery neck. “Yep,” he said. “But Roscoe, do we need anymore people?”

Roscoe laughed and spit out some more tobacco. “We can never have enough. We need to preach the gospel of the Huckers to everyone.”

Vern spit some tobacco on Roscoe and said, “I reckon you’re right.”

Chapter 21

Cascadilla took a sip of the water and gave the rest to Perkchip. He stuffed the bottle in his mouth and ran ahead of Cascadilla as he beat his head with his fists.

Cascadilla looked around and saw nothing but a vast wasteland. She decided that she would head towards the sun in the hope of finding some sort of civilization.

She did not notice the five pick-up trucks behind her.

Chapter 22

One of the trucks pulled in front of Cascadilla. The driver hopped out, spit tobacco on the ground and walked towards here. The truck rolled away.

“Whatcha’ doin’?” asked the man.

“I am trying to find some sort of civilization,” said Cascadilla.

The man laughed, “Well, you ain’t gonna find any of that here in Neb-raska!”

“Great.” responded Cascadilla.

“By the way,” said the man, “Since you are here in Neb-raska, you have to like them Huckers.”

“The what?” asked Cascadilla.

The man looked at Cascadilla with total bewilderment. After an hour, he finally spoke. “You mean you never heard of them Huckers!”

“Can’t say that I have,” answered Cascadilla.

“Well, I guess we gonna have to teach you then,” said the man. “Get her Monty!”

Cascadilla turned and saw the man behind her. He grinned and hit her over the head with the carp. Her mind went blank and she crumbled to the ground.

Chapter 23

Cascadilla woke up and found herself in a red room. Everything was red from the toilet to the TV. She walked to the red door and looked out the little window. She saw a group of people all dressed in red, sitting around a TV watching it intently.

Trying to open the door, she found it was locked so she knocked, hoping to get someone’s attention.

Eventually, a moronic cowboy with a retarded smile plastered to his face came over to the door.

“Where am I?” asked Cascadilla.

Moron cowboy man only stood there with a retarded smile plastered to his face.

“Look,” said Cascadilla, “I want out NOW!”

The retarded, idiotic, stupid, moronic cowboy stared blankly at her, with that dumb-ass smile still plastered to his face.

Finally he spoke. “We’re number one,” he said without losing his smile.

Cascadilla was about to scream when she saw another man leave the group and walk to the door. He stopped in front of the window and patted the idiodic cowboy on the head.

“How can I help you?” he asked.

“I want to know where I am,” replied Cascadilla.

The man stuck a wad of grass in his mouth and chewed slowly. “Well,” he said between chews, “you are in Neb-raska, home of the Huckers. This is Hucker-Land. Everyone here likes the Huckers.”

“Well, great,” said Cascadilla, “I want out of here.”

“Oh I don’t rightly know,” the man said, “You like them Huckers?”

“What exactly is a Hucker?” she inquired.

The man swallowed the mouthfull of grass and stuck a mouthfull of bark in his mouth. “Well,” he began, “we used to be named for our ancestors occupation. We were called the Sheep f*ckers, but we changed that to Huckers, because it has to do with corn. Or at least we think so. And Sheep f*cker is two words we ain’t real good at spelling.”

“Wonderful,” said Cascadilla. “Of course, I LOVE the Huckers.”

The man unlocked the door.

Chapter 24

Cascadilla followed the man to the group of people. She noticed that they all were staring at the TV with vacant looks and quite a few were drooling. She saw Perkchip sitting alone happily munching on a glass vase with a bag around his head.

She pulled the machete from her back pocket and swung at the nearest man. The machete took the top of the man’s skull clean off.

As he slumped over, a small pellet fell out of the exposed brain cavity.

The man who released her, tried to grab her arm. She swung them machete again and chopped his arm off. As he was falling to the floor, she swung downwards and imbedded the machete in the middle of his upturned face.

When he landed, she stepped on his chest and pulled the knife out. His severed tongue was stuck to the blade. Flicking the machete, the tongue flew toward a man sitting in the corner and landed in his mouth.

He grunted and started to chew slowly.

She felt someone else come up from behind her. Cascadilla executed a back kick and felt the spiked golf shoes make contact. She slowly dug her foot down until she heard a gasp.

Turning she watched the man fall as his intestines fell out of his exposed stomach. When he landed, he tried to stuff the intestines back in, but since they were extremely slippery, they kept on eluding his grasp. He finally gave up and lay still.

Cascadilla ran from person to person kicking and swinging the machete. Soon, blood covered everything. Blood slowly ran down the walls and was dripped from the ceiling.

Trying to escape, one man slipped on a pool of blood and fell face first into an exposed chest. A rib punctured his eyeball with a dull popping sound and it exited out of his right ear.

When she was done she walked over to Perkchip, and took the bag off his head and offered him the bloody machete.

He licked the blade with glee.

“Come on, honey,” she said, “Time to go.”

Chapter 25

Sheik Mohamar watched through his binoculars as the lady and the young boy walked out of the bunker. “My goodness Rawley,” he said, “It seems that someone has escaped!”

Rawley poured the Sheik a new cup of tea as a tear slowly fell from his eye.

“I think we may have found our Savior!” the Sheik exclaimed

Rawley fell to the ground, wailing like a woman.

The Sheik hopped out of his recliner and ran towards his faithful kangaroo. He jumped on its back and they went hopping happily away.

Chapter 26

Cascadilla watched as the man and kangaroo hopped happily towards them.

“Hippity-hop,” said Perkchip.

When the man and kangaroo came up to them, the man reached down and tugged on the kangaroo’s testicles. The kangaroo abruptly stopped and the man was flung from its back.

Cascadilla ran to the man to check if he was alright. He looked up at her and smiled. She put her hand jot and helped him to his feet.

“We need your help,” said the Sheik.

“For what?” said Cascadilla.

“We need to defeat the Neb-raskans,” he replied.

“Sure, no problem,” said Cascadilla. She called out to Perkchip, but he was too busy eating the kangaroo’s head.

Chapter 27

The Sheikh arranged a meeting with the Neb-raskans to take place in an auditorium later in the evening. He wanted to see if a truce could somehow be worked out.
As Cascadilla slept, he pounded a spike through Perkchip’s head, per her instructions.

Chapter 28

Cascadilla looked out at the packed auditorium. There were no empty
seats.

The Sheikh stood and began speaking to the crowd. He told them his plans
for a truce that would be beneficial to both parties.

Cascadilla noticed that no one was listening.

When the Sheikh was finished, he sat down with a frown on his face. “I
do not think I got through,” he said to Cascadilla.

“Well, what did you expect?” she asked.

He could only nod.

The leader of the Neb-raskans stood and hiked up his overalls. He walked
to the podium and started to speak. For 4 hours he rambled on about how great it was to be a Neb-raskan and how they were the world leaders in sheep pregnancies and sales of bib overalls and chewing tobacco.

After the fifth hour of his rambling, Cascadilla could take no more. She stood up and all eyes turned towards her. “All you hucker lovers suck!” she screamed.

The Sheikh and Cascadilla watched in amazement and amusement as every
Neb-raskans head exploded.

“My goodness,” said the Sheikh, “I think you found the secret.”

Chapter 29

The Sheikh watched as Cascadilla clipped her toenails. “Will you marry me?” he asked.

Cascadilla screamed and threw the toenail clippers at Rawley. “No”, she said, “I must find my husband.”

The Sheikh sighed. “Thank god,” he said, “I am gay, you know.”

Rawley smiled at the Sheikh.

Chapter 30

Sh’tstane walked through the debris of the destroyed building. He noticed a hand lying in the ruins and stooped to pick it up. He turned it over and sniffed it, then threw it away in disgust. “This is bullshit, Joe,” he said to his partner. “We will die if we do not get something to eat.”

“I know,” said Joe. “Why don’t we just go down the road to the Burger
King?”

Sh’tstane slapped Joe across the face. “That is not the way of the Foreign Legion! We will work for our food!”

“But…,” began Joe.

“Shut up.

Just shut the f*ck up.”

Chapter 31

Sh’tstane and Joe lay in the alley and watched the man walk by. When the man had passed, Sh’tstane nodded to Joe and leapt to his feet. As he ran towards the man, he removed the butter knife from his belt and leapt on the man’s back. He repeatedly stabbed the man in the head until the knife bent and finally broke. Weak with hunger, he fell off the man’s back and crashed to the pavement.

The man shook his head and turned towards Sh’tstane. When he saw Sh’tstane, he grinned. “Sh’tstane? Is that you?”

Sh’tstane slowly got to his feet. “Yes,” he said. “And you are? Wait! I
remember! I haven’t seen you in ten years!” Sh’stane waved Joe over.”Joe, this is my most trusted friends in the whole world!”

Joe removed the pistol from his holster and shot the man in the head. “There’s your f*cking food,” he said.

“Cool,” said Sh’tstane.

Chapter 32

“Do you want some leg or a bit of arm?” asked Sh’tstane as he slowly turned the spit over the red hot flames.

“f*ck you,” said Joe. “I’m going to Burger King.”

“Suit yourself,” said Sh’tstane.

Chapter 33

“So, what’s this mission?” asked Joe as they walked cautiously down the road.

“Well,” answered Sh’stane, “there’s this family in Iowa that have sent all 18 of their children here. 17 of them have died and it is our mission to rescue the last one. I think they said his name is Terry.

“Sounds like a bullshit mission to me,” said Joe.

“That it does,” said Sh’tstane. “That it does.”

Chapter 34

Joe and Sh’tstane ducked behind the brick wall as gunfire erupted around them.

Chapter 35

Sh’tstane looked over the wall at the figure in the trench about 100 yard away. The figure seemed to be wearing a pair of headphones, oblivious to the enemy slowly creeping towards the trench.
“I think we have found this Terry person,” Sh’tstane said to Joe. “But, we might have a problem getting him out.”

Joe looked over the wall. “Great,” he said. “What do you want to do?”

Sh’tstane thought for a moment.”Wait, I got it! Strip naked and run around back here! Do some jumping jacks, too! That should divert their attention.”

“You sure?” asked Joe.

“Not really,” said Sh’tstane. “Do you have a better idea?”

“Well, yes,” said Joe.

“Shut up and strip, Joe,” said Sh’tstane.

Chapter 36

Sh’tstane stopped crawling towards Terry and looked back at Joe doing naked jumping jacks Sure enough, the enemy had stopped advancing and were transfixed by the spectacle of Joe. Sh’tstane crawled to the trench and fell into it. He got to his knees and tapped the soldier on the shoulder.
The soldier turned and looked blankly at Sh’tstane. “You Terry?” asked Sh’tstane.

The soldier took the headphones off. “Huh?” the soldier asked.

“Are you Terry?” Sh’tstane asked again. The soldier nodded. “C’mon”, said Sh’tstane. “We’re taking you home.”

“But I’m listening to my soap opera!” said Terry in a high pitched,whiny voice.

“We have been ordered to take you home. Now, pack up your stuff and let’s go!” As Terry grumbled and started picking up his few meager possessions, Sh’tstane couldn’t help but notice how obscenely short Terry was, almost a midget.

Chapter 37

Sh’tstane and Terry ran back to where Joe was doing squat thrusts. “Get you clothes on Joe!” yelled Sh’tstane when they were safely behind the wall.

“But this is a lot of fun!” said Joe.

“Time for it later, Joe. We hafta get moving now!”

“Oh, this is great,” said Terry.”I’m missing my soap opera for this?”

Chapter 38

As they ran from the enemy, Sh’tstane noticed that Terry still had the headphones around his neck.”Don’t you ever take those headphones off?” asked Sh’tstane.

“Can’t miss my soap opera, another one starts in about 10 minutes,” said Terry as his little legs tried tried to keep pace with Sh’tstane and Joe.

Chapter 39

They stopped at the abandoned jeep. Sh’tstane looked the vehicle over and it seemed to be in good working order.”This is great!” he said “We can use this to bring Terry home.”

Joe hopped into the passenger seat.

As Sh’tstane was climbing into the drivers seat, he noticed that Terry was still standing by the side of the jeep. “Get in the damn jeep!” he shouted at Terry,

” I can’t,” said Terry. “I’m too short to climb up into it.”

Sh’stane jumped to the ground and walked over to Terry. He picked Terry up by the belt and threw him into the back of the jeep. “Better now?” asked Sh’tstane.

Terry lay in the back of the jeep and pouted.

Chapter 40

“Where are you taikng me?” asked Terry.

“Home. We have been ordered to take you home. All of your brothers have been slaughtered and they want to have one live, at least in a non-vegatative state. I guess today is your lucky day,” answered Sh’tstane.

“Do you mind if I listen to my soap opera?” asked Terry.

“Yeah, go ahead,” said Sh’tstane. “Do whatever you want.”

Chapter 41

As they drove down the road, Sh’tstane glanced back at Terry. He was frantically searching his uniform for something.”What are you looking for, Terry?”asked Sh’tstane.

“My walkman! I think I lost my walkman!”

“Look in your bag. I think you put it in your bag.”

A look of relief passed over Terry’s face.

Chapter 42

While Terry was looking in his bag, the cord from the headphones got caught in the rear axle. Sh’tstane watched in the rearview mirror as Terry’s head was ripped from his body.

“Oh, great,” said Sh’tstane. “I guess they lost all their boys.”

Joe turned around in his seat, and watched as the headless body fell from the rear of the jeep.
“Do you want me to do some more naked jumping jacks?” asked Joe.

“I don’t think this is the right time, Joe,” said Sh’tstane.

A NOTE FROM JON!!

Sorry for this interruption.

Recently, I was confronted by a group of Nebraskans, or Huskers, about my portrayal of them in this story. They stated they were slightly offended by my description of the typical Nebraskan.

I explained to them that I did not see any similarity between “Neb-raskan” and “Nebraskan” or any similarity between “hucker” and “husker”. They did agree on this.

However, I did admit that I made a mistake when I mentioned “sheep f*ckers”. I did acknowledge that “sheep f*ckers” and “Huskers” were very much similar. Half of the group were upset at the reference, but I did notice that the other half seemed mighty pleased to be known as sheep
f*ckers.

I did promise them that I would no longer make fun of any other neanderthal races, and we parted company the best of distant friends.

Thank you for you time, and I apologize for any inconvenience this may
have caused.

Chapter 43

Sh’tstane parked the jeep in a clump of trees. Joe had built a fire and was broiling some lobster with grits. “Well, Sh’tstane,” said Joe, “we kinda lost Terry.What are we gonna do now?”

Sh’stane sat on a rock.”Well,” he said, “we can go back and find the body and the head and sew the head back on. Then, we can buy some Lego’s and some Lincoln Logs. We can fill the body with the Lego’s and the Lincoln Logs and add a battery pack. That might fool the parents for a while. They are from Iowa, you know.”

“True,” said Joe. “But, Lincoln Logs do not use battery packs. They just kind of sit there.”

“Yeah, you’re right. How about we find someone who kind of looks like him and force him into being Terry?”

“That might work,” said Joe. “But, I might have a better idea.”

Chapter 44

When Sh’tstane woke up the next morning, he noticed that Joe was busy around the campfire. He stretched and rolled out of bed and walked to the refrigerator. After drinking a box of orange juice, he decided to see what Joe was doing. When he reached Joe, he noticed that someone was sitting in front of him. The top othis person’s head was open and Sh’tstane noticed that it was filled with ants. “Uh, Joe,” he said. “What are you doing?”

Joe stopped shoving ants into the head and wiped his hands on his pajamas. “Well,” Joe said, “while you were sleeping I decided to get the body and the head. I put ants in the head and they should be able to take over the body and make it come back to life! Besides, who will know the
difference?”

“I guess. But is it scientifically possible?”

“Sure! It seems to be working!” exclaimed Joe.

“Oh, this is fantastic! Now we can return Terry home! Our mission will be accomplished!”

Terry looked up at Sh’tstane and a few ants tumbled out of his head. “You better sew that up,” said Sh’tstane. “Oh, yeah,” said Joe and he picked up the needle.

Chapter 45

Sh’tstae and Joe stared at Terry. Joe had just finished sewing the top of the scalp on, trapping a few of the ants in the sutures. Every so often, a few ants would fall out of Terry’s nose. “We need to figure out a way to stop the ants from falling out.” said Sh’tstane.

“I know,” said Joe.”How about some glue?”

“Excellent idea! We can get some glue and plug up his nose and ears! That should do the trick.”

But, what about his mouth?”

Sh’tstane thought for a moment. “Okay,” he said. “We can glue his mouth shut too. We’ll just tell his parents that he has lockjaw due to combat stress. Remember, they are from Iowa.”

“Great!” said Joe. “First though, we need to get some makeup or something to hide the stitches.” As Joe cleaned up the camp, Sh’tstane helped Terry up and led him to the jeep.

Chapter 46

“For f*cks sake,” said Joe,”Can’t this line move any quicker?”

“Calm done, Joe,” said Sh’tstane. “Terry is safe and there is only one person ahead of us.” The old man leaned over his walker and placed the hemorrhoid ointment in front of the checkout girl. She tried scanning the item, but it would not work. Finally she asked the bagger, a wide eyed mongloid, to get her the price.

The mongloid walked slowly away with the ointment clutched in his white paw.

“You gotta be kidding,” said Joe.

“Patience,” said Sh’tstane.

The old man farted.

After 10 minutes, the mongloid had not come back. The cashier called over the manager and told him what happened. The manager scurried away. After another 10 minutes, the mongloid finally came back. He handed the crushed box to the cashier, and stared at her.

“What’s the price?” she asked.

“A dowa uduh dofwe,” he replied.

“What’s that again?” she asked.

The mongloid jumped up and down. “A dowa uduh dofwe!” he screamed. “A dowa uduh dofwe!”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “But I can’t………”

“A dollar three!” screamed Joe.”A dollar f*cking three!”

“How did you know that?” asked Sh’tstane as the cashier rang the purchase up.

“Oh, my little brother got whacked in the head with a corned beef brisquet when he was 5 years old. He turned into a mongloid, so I learned how to speak the language.”

“That’ll be one dollar and nine cents,” said the cashier.

The old man pulled a checkbook out of his back pocket.

“Well, f*ck me,” said Joe.

Chapter 47.

“Why did you do that, Joe?” Sh’tstane asked as they left the store with their purchases.

“Did you see his hand shake? He could barely write!”

“So?”

“He didn’t know the date!”

“So?”

“His pen ran out of ink!”

“So what? Why did you shoot him?”

“Cause war is a crazy thing, Sh’stane. It makes a normal man do some very abnormal things. The things I have seen and the things I have done will make the ordinary man sick, but those that have been through what I have been through will understand. I am a changed man, a different man
and I pray my soul can rest in peace.”

“Oh,” said Sh’tstane.

“Makes you think, doesn’t it?”

“No.”

“Okay.”.

.

Chapter 48

.

Joe finished spray painting Terry’s face. He stood back and admired his work.

“What do you think, Sh’tstane?” he asked.

“Well, it looks good enough. I don’t know if yellow paint was a wise choice. However, we have all the holes on his head glued shut, so that’s good.”

“But we haven’t glued all the holes shut.”

“What do you mean?”

Joe pointed at Terry’s groin.

“No way, Joe. I am not putting glue there.”.

Chapter 49

As they were getting ready to leave the parking lot, Sh’tstane noticed a blonde haired woman walking towards them. He stopped adjusting the rear windshield wipers and watched her approach.

“Excuse me sir, but can you possibly help me?” she asked when she reached him.

“Maybe,” replied Sh’tstane.

“Well, I seem to have lost my husband.”

“Okay. And?”

“Obviously you do not know who I am. My name is Darva.”

“Darva? Darva!!!?? What kind of name is that?”

Darva shrugged.

“Look,” she said. “Some people might consider me a golddigger and that I only want money, but……………..wait a minute. Are you rich? I mean like a millionaire?”

Sh’tstane thought for a moment.

“Why yes,” he said. “Yes I am. As a matter of fact, we are going to go get my money now.”

“Ooooooh,” said Darva. “Can I come along?”

“Sure. But what about your husband?”

“My what?”

“Forget it. Hop into the jeep. By the way, were you named after some sort of drug that cures venereal disease?”

“I don’t think so,” she said. “Why?”

“Just wondering.”

Chapter 50

Gringrath stretched as he lay in his bed. He gazed at the lush foliage above him and grinned. After scratching his pointy ears, he grinned and hopped out of bed.

He walked slowly to the nearby stream and bathed with the other elfs. As they washed themselves, the Elder sang a song which Gringrath had heard every day since birth. He joined in singing with the Elder and soon the forest was filled with the merriment of the elven voices.

Gringrath finished bathing and dried himself on the shore. He walked back to the village with Mootysnoot, his best friend.

Mootysnoot liked to whack the other elves on the back of the head with his closed fist. One day, he whacked an elf too hard on the back of the head, causing the poor elf’s eyes to pop out. This caused great consternation among the village Tribunal and Mootysnoot was ordered to stop.

When they reached the village, Sloppuss ran over to them. She was the most beautiful elf in the village, and she was the village slut.

“Hey, guys,” she said, “What are you up to?”

“We have a meeting with the Tribunal,” said Gringrath.

“Oh. What is the meeting about?” she asked.

“I think they are going to send us on a journey of peace. At least, that is the rumor I have heard,” said Gringrath.

“Can I come along?” she asked. “I mean, if they do send you on a journey?”

Gringrath thought for a moment. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “What kind of talents do you have? I am a master in magic and Mootysnoot is a master at auto repair. What are you a master at?”

Sloppuss smiled and whispered something in Mootysnoot’s ear.

“She definitely has to come with us, Gringrath,” said Mootysnoot.

Chapter 51

Gringrath and Mootysnoot entered the cabin of the Tribunal. All of the members were present, most smoking cigarettes.

The Elder rose when everyone was seated. A hush fell across the audience.

“As you might of heard,” began the Elder, “A vote was taken and we have decided to send some of our brave elfin folk out of these woods in order to try to assimilate our culture into others. We have picked five of our bravest wee folk to take this journey. Those five are Doodlynug, Klempetersterrer, Mootysnoot, Blankstare and Gringrath. Can those five please stand?”

All five elves stood as the tribunal applauded. When the applause died down, Mootysnoot raised his hand.

“Yes, Mootysnoot,” said the Elder. “Do you have a question for the Tribunal?”

“Yes, Elder and distinguished members of the Tribunal. Is it possible that we take Sloppuss with us?”

“You mean the f*cking slut?” asked the Elder.

Mootysnoot nodded.

“What is she a master at?” asked the Elder.

Mootysnoots faced turned red.

A member of the Tribunal rose and whispered something in the Elder’s ear.

“You gotta be kidding,” said the Elder. “How come I didn’t know about this?”

As one, all the members of the Tribunal shrugged their shoulders.

“Very well then,” said the Elder. “Sloppuss will go along with you. Now, there is a raft waiting for you in the stream. You must head north until you exit the woods and then you must find a local leader. There, Gringrath will give him a gift and arrange a meeting between the Tribunal and whatever form of government they might have. It should be a simple mission. Does anyone have any questions?”

The five men shook their heads.

“Fine,” said the Elder. “You may all leave and prepare for your journey. You will leave at noon today.”

The Tribunal rose again and applauded as the five men left the cabin.

“I can’t believe they’re taking the village slut,” said on Tribunal member to another.

Chapter 52

They left at exactly noon as the remaining villagers stood on the shoreline waving and crying. Gringrath and the thers waved back until the raft reached a bend of the river and the village could no longer be seen.

Doodlynug guided the boat as Klempetersterrer goose-stepped from the front of the raft to the back. Gringrath and Mootysnoot sat at the table and plotted their course on the map given to them by the village elder.

“I’m thinking we should get to our destination in about an hour,” said Gringrath.

“Maybe a bit sooner,” said Mootysnoot.

“Maybe,” said Gringrath.

“A good possibility,” said Mootysnoot.

“I’m thinking so,” said Gringrath.

“Hey, you wanna know something?” asked Gringrath.

“What’s that?”

“Why are we in this story? I mean, what is the point?”

“I don’t know. Maybe the author had no good ideas and just decided to throw some shit in there to fill up space.”

Mootysnoot nodded. “I say we say the hell with this and go have sex with Sloppuss.”

“Let’s do it!! f*ck Jon and his stupid ideas.”

Chapter 53

“Why do we have to do this Sh’tstane? Why do we have to kill the albino?”

Sh’tstane finished loading his rifle and set it aside. “Well, Joe it isn’t just an albino. It’s a drunken albino.”

“So what? What difference does that make?”

Sh’tstane took a sip from a bottle of beer. “It’s Jay, the drunken albino.”

Joe gasped. “No shit? Jay the drunken albino? I have only heard stories about him! You mean we’re going to kill him?”

“That’s the plan. Hold on, I here something.”

Sh’stane looked around the corner of the building and saw a man walking down the road towards them. Sh’tstane reached down and picked up his rifle.

“It’s him, Joe,” he said as he looked down the scope. As he was getting ready to squeeze the trigger he noticed a small boy run towards Jay the drunken albino and leap on his back.

“Holy shit!” said Sh’tstane. “That’s Perkchip!”

Chapter 54

Perkchip grabbed ahold of Jay’s ears and pulled as hard as he could. The ears popped free of Jay’s head and Perkchip fell to the ground. Jay stopped and put his hands to the side of his head.

“Ow,” he said.

Perkchip quickly ate one of the ears, then he grabbed Jay’s left foot. With a quick twist, he ripped the foot off.

Jay fell to the ground, almost feeling the pain, yet not quite due to his severe drunkeness.

Perkchip giggled and ran away.

Chapter 55

“Wake up Sh’tstane! Quick, it’s an emergency!”

Sh’stane slowly opened his eyes. “What’s wrong?” he muttered.

“Something’s wrong with Darva,” said Joe.

“So? You woke me up from a great dream for that? Big deal.”

“I think she’s dead. I really, truly think she’s dead.”

Sh’stane stood and slowly stretched. “No great loss if she is.”

“Yeah? Well, it might be a bit worse than that. Come on, you have got to see this.”

Sh’tstane followed Joe into the woods. Joe stopped when they came to a small clearing. Sh’tstane noticed that Terry was sitting on a stump with his legs spread, and Darva was lying face up on the ground.

Sh’tstane walked over to Darva and knelt down next to her. Her mouth was wide open and he could see a large black lump that seemed to be lodged in her throat.

“What in the hell is this?” he asked as he leaned down for a closer look.

“Holy shit! I don’t believe this!” he said and quickly got to his feet.

“What is it?” asked Joe.

“She choked to death! She choked to death on ants!”

“Ants?” asked Joe. “How could she choke to death on ants? And why isn’t Terry wearing pants?”

“Think about it for a second Joe.”

Joe stood and looked from Terry to Darva. “Oh, shit. I should have use some glue down there.”

“Don’t worry about it. Darva was a slut. Put some pants on Terry and let’s bring him home.”

“I wonder if she died happy?” asked Joe as he picked up Terry’s pants.

Note from Editor:
Thats all there is!

This story isn’t finished!
Please help me in my plea to get Jon to finish the Story and leave a comment below to encourage the exciting conclusion of Cassidilla and Perkchip.


More Humor Stories…

Jon Stephenson

Submitted fiction in the early years (2000). He has a few posted to his name. Very silly but entertaining.

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