- 16 Pages
Larry was in a miserable mood as he left the slaughterhouse at 5:00 PM after working an 8 ½ hour-shift, then being laid off. It was like the world had stabbed him in the back, and opened up a wound where his soul escaped like helium leaking out of a hole in the Goodyear Blimp. No sooner had he walked 5 yards into the parking lot than he realized his car had been stolen-he couldn’t find it anywhere. Larry looked at the ground in sorrow, but then something happened that made him look up at the sky. It was hail. Pellets as large as golf balls were pounding the ground relentlessly. Larry, lacking an umbrella or anything of the sort, had to run the 10 miles to his home. By the time he arrived he had bruises all over his body.
But the real pain began when he walked inside his bedroom door. There was his wife, lying naked with a man, a woman, and a goat-none of whom Larry had ever met. They were all dead, too-his wife had slashed everybody else’s throat just before slitting her own wrists.
As Larry cried out in agony his cry was drowned out by the sound of the city siren. He looked out the window. Dear God, Larry thought. A tornado was heading straight for his house! Larry didn’t have any time to gather his belongings, he could only rush outside and pray for the best as the tornado wiped away everything he had ever worked for. But sadly, he couldn’t even do that, for just as he knelt down to pray next to a house a half-block away from his, his insane gun-toting neighbor walked out with a double-barreled shotgun.
His neighbor, who went by the name Dirk, glowered at Larry with bloodthirsty, menacing eyes. He pointed his shotgun at our clearly unlucky hero. As Larry struggled to scramble away against the powerful winds, Dirk screeched a mighty noise that sounded like something between Godzilla’s roar and a Sonic Youth guitar solo, and took a shot at Larry’s foot. Well, now he could only hop away. But the wind kept knocking Larry down. Dirk took another shot-this one hitting Larry in the shoulder. Dirk emitted another loud, this time more annoying, screech and then shot Larry in the other shoulder. Larry, barely able to move his arms, somehow managed to crawl away into a hole. Unfortunately, the hole led right to Dirk’s basement. When Dirk realized that he had Larry right where he wanted him, he emitted his loudest, most ear-splitting screech yet, and quickly sealed the hole and locked the door to the basement.
Now, it just so happens that Dirk’s basement sits right on top of a sewer pipe. Every so often, when the weather conditions are as bad as they are in this story, the sewer pipe tends to flood the entire basement. Well, that day was no exception. Larry, still wincing in unspeakable pain, was baffled to see (and smell!) raw sewage seeping into the basement at a rapid rate. He rushed up to the basement door, but as readers that are not retarded will note that the door was locked. He then tried to crawl up the hole he came out of, but it had been sealed by crazy Dirk. By then Larry was up to his waist in raw sewage, and he was running out of options.
Finally, Larry decided to escape via the air ducts. He managed to climb into one of them. It was very small-Larry had to shed all of his clothes and lubricate himself with raw sewage just to be able to move around in it. The air duct, thanks to a team of half-wit constructors, was full of asbestos. In fact, every time Larry breathed in a substantial amount of asbestos entered his lungs. But nonetheless our determined hero Larry squeezed himself, inch by inch, through the air vent. Then he got stuck. I mean, REALLY stuck. Like, he could NOT move. For the first time all day Larry began to think to himself that he might not live much longer, because Larry is an idiot and can realize danger but not potentially lethal danger. Anyway, he lay there for about 8 hours, fell asleep, and woke up to realize that the house had burnt to the ground and that he-still stuck in his air duct-had somehow survived.
But the relief was short lived. Soon after the police and firefighters pulled him out of his air duct he was arrested for arson and indecent exposure. He tried to explain that he was innocent, but all the cops did was beat him relentlessly. Finally, Larry gave up. He entered the squad car, but not before being showered by the fire hose; because come on, the guy smelled like crap. The cops were just about to start the car when all of a sudden Larry began to notice something happening outside the car, something perhaps even stranger than any of the previous events. Perhaps not. Anyway it was a massive demonstration. Thousands were protesting, centering around the squad car, chanting “WE HATE LARRY! LARRY’S A JERK!”. They held up signs bearing “TO HELL WITH LARRY!” and “DIE, LARRY, DIE!!”. Larry began to cry, again. Why did everybody hate him so much? He had no idea that many people even knew who he was! He looked at the cops in the driver and passenger seat to see what they were going to do about it, but then suddenly realized that they were both mysteriously DEAD! The protestors kept getting angrier and angrier, and more people on the street gathered to protest against Larry’s existence. A few of them started to shake the car back and forth, then tried to tear down the car doors. It was only a matter of time……
For a moment Larry’s attention began to shift away from the mob, now consisting of tens of thousands of people, who were intent on tearing down the police car and killing him. His attention shifted because he was vomiting and suffering from diarrhea at the same time. Then he began to cough up blood and vile all over the car. Apparently the raw sewage he had nearly drowned in gave him a sickness. Finally, one of the more muscular protestors tore down the police car door and grabbed Larry by the arms. He and the protestors then dragged Larry all the way down to city hall which was extremely painful because, as attentive readers will note, he had been shot in both shoulders. Yes, he was dragged 15 miles to city hall over the much concrete, broken glass, and gravel. And all the while the protestors were kicking Larry in all parts of his body, some of them even putting out their cigarettes on him. One of them, who was smoking two cigarettes at the same time, stuck one of them in each of Larry’s eyes. Now Larry was blind.
At dusk they finally reached the steps of city hall where the protestors began to decide his fate. Everyone in town and then some was there on the steps of city hall, wondering how they should kill Larry. It took them hours to decide, and all the while Larry was being stoned from all directions. There were many different opinions in this decision. The Mayor believed that Larry should be drawn and quartered, while the Governor argued that electrocution would be far more painful. The chief justice of the state supreme court said that Larry should be fed to a pack of wolves, while the head of a local charity said that Larry should be drowned in a tank of battery acid. Finally, the Mayor got a call from the Pope, who said that Larry should be disemboweled, electrocuted slowly at a relatively low voltage until he was nearly dead, stoned a little bit, then have each of his limbs chopped off until he bled to death. The crowd seemed pleased at this suggestion, and the execution began.
The executor grabbed the knife that he was going to use to disembowel Larry. But before he sliced Larry open, he asked “Any last words?”. Larry, overwhelmed by shock and pain, began to question what his crime was. But before he could croak it out, the executioner shouted “WELL TOO BAD! You don’t get any!”and he began to slowly stick the knife into Larry’s body. But then somebody from the crowd, a lone voice of remote reason, inquired “Wait! Are we sure we got the right Larry?” Larry’s ears (or what was left of them, for part of his earlobes had been torn off) perked up when he heard this. The executioner pondered on this, and then asked Larry: “What’s your last name?”. Larry answered “Thompson,” and the crowd moaned. All of a sudden everybody on the steps of city hall looked guiltily at Larry. “Uh, sorry. We made a bit of a mistake,” admitted the executioner. Larry would have breathed a big sigh of relief were his broken ribs not prodding into his lungs.
But if you think this story has taken a turn for the better, you are so very wrong my friend. Actually you’re not really my friend, so I shouldn’t address you as if you were. Punk. Anyway, at that moment a UFO came out of the sky and abducted Larry faster than a bullet can pass through a watermelon. Larry was injected with a tranquilizer and woke up to find himself inside a confinement that resembled a cross between a hamster’s cage and a McDonald’s playland, but it was massive. In fact, there were about 1,000 other humans inside the contraption. Larry recognized only one of them. It was his neighbor Dirk.
Dirk, upon seeing Larry, immediately ran after him with raging insanity. Larry tried to run but he was in too much pain and too many of his bones were broken. So Dirk beat him savagely on the head with-and Larry noticed this just before he passed out-the head of his dead wife. How Dirk had obtained that skull Larry never found out, but it was too late because shortly after he noticed what he was being pummeled with he was back in time 30 years, it was his 7th birthday, and there was a knock on the door.
His mother went over to answer the door and as soon as she did that she was shot dead with a 9mm. Little Larry ran over to see what had happened. To his horror, he recognized his father standing in the doorway with the smoking gun. His father was a hideous, deranged criminal who had escaped from prison recently. Half his face was burnt, his body covered with graphic tattoos of women being raped and tortured, and on his left cheek was a swastika-shaped scar. His legal name was God. God let out a maniacal, evil laugh and Larry hid under a chair as his father shot dead everyone at the party (did I mention there was a party?); Larry’s grandparents, his aunts, uncles, and cousins, his brothers, neighbors, and best friends. Oh yeah and his dog was shot dead too. Then God lifted up the table, gave another maniacal laugh, and pointed the gun at Larry. He pulled the trigger, but it was empty. As God searched his pockets for extra ammo, Larry ran into the basement. What a fool, you can’t escape from the basement. God ended up locking Little Larry in a closet that his paranoid mother turned into an emergency bomb shelter. There was a 19-feet-deep hole in the ground for defecating, 200 bottles of cheap wine, and 543 Twinkie packets. Larry lived in that bomb shelter for 4 months. His house had been foreclosed, and it was when the demolition crew came (they would later successfully drill for oil on his mother’s property), they discovered him in his basement. During those 4 months Larry was cold, miserable, and suffering from cholera. He also developed what would become a lifelong alcohol addiction. Yes, Larry dreamt of that entire period while he was unconscious.
Eventually Larry woke up, and when he did he found himself lying on his back inside a giant plastic bubble with about a dozen other injured people, and a couple of “doctors” aiding them. The doctors were prisoners just like he, and some spoke English. Larry was in a makeshift full-body cast made of some cardboard, shoelaces, and other random things. He couldn’t move without the help of his personal aid Hector. Hector told him that Dirk had pummeled a lot of other guys, and that other bubbles had been made into hospitals. Remembering the greater trouble that plagued him, Larry asked where he was and why. Hector didn’t know very much, but he told him that they were on an alien spacecraft and the aliens that had captured them were intelligent but only about 2 feet tall. Some prisoners said that all the humans were going to be used as lab rats. Others said that they were going to act as slaves. One crazy guy said that we were being captured because human thumb bones are necessary for the construction of a gigantic nuclear ray beam that would strike Atlas on the back of the head and force him to let go of the Earth. Most found that explanation to be slightly farfetched.
Anyway they didn’t have much time to talk about it, because one hours after Larry woke up the gates of their prison woke up and the two foot tall aliens, carrying giant tasers, led them out of the ship and onto a planet that resembled Earth in its atmospheric composition, but the weather was odd such to the point where the temperature in Fahrenheit could vary such to the point where it would be agonizingly cold one minute and then hot as hell the next. The prisoners couldn’t stand it. But the weather was soon a secondary concern compared to what they saw next.
A gigantic, 48-foot tall hideous beast with 4 arms and razor-sharp teeth stood in their way. He roared a mighty roar while breathing blue-colored fire. Larry pooped in his body cast. But then the beast uttered in English “Fear not prisoners, I know what these creatures are going to do to you! I have come to free you from-” and that was as far as he got before one of the aliens shot him dead with a laser. The prisoners were very disappointed. The alien that killed the beast turned around to address the prisoners. “Welcome to XñLôphRaeurK” he said.
It turned out that the human prisoners, being much physically stronger than the XñLôphRaeurKians, were to work in a factory where they mine a mineral that bore an ugly color and would slowly kill you if even the smallest amount entered your body. They would then haul the heavy mineral into a gigantic machine which would refine it into a much stronger substance. The prisoners didn’t know what happened after that or why such a seemingly advanced race would resort to slave labor, but they did know that if they failed to do their job they would be tortured by being force-fed a hallucinogen which made them believe (and feel like) they were being raped with a cactus by Mike Tyson. Bizarre, but remember that we’re talking about an advanced species and also remember that I’m running out of ideas. Larry ended up working there so long and so hard that his bones and body never had time to truly recover. He worked there 12 hours a day on meager food rations for 3 months until he found out what was really going on.
Larry received the news from his only friend in the whole factory-and his only friend ever-Hector. Hector had been secretly been learning to decipher the XñLôphRaeurKian language by himself, and eventually discovered that the particular group of XñLôphRaeurKians that had captured them were a sort of fascist revolutionary group bent on overthrowing the intelligent, peace-loving democratic government of the XñLôphRaeurK planet. They were also bent on taking over and enslaving every planet that was not XñLôphRaeurK. When Larry heard the news he felt so guilty that he didn’t know what to do with himself. Hector knew what to do. He jumped into the refining machine that they had to haul the mineral into. There went Larry’s only friend. Larry was so depressed that he was just about to jump in as well when on of the XñLôphRaeurKians grabbed him from behind and dragged him into the office with two other XñLôphRaeurKians.
Larry feared for his life-as he had spent most of his life doing-but all of a sudden his anxiety turned to bewilderment when two humans walked in that he recognized. One of them was Dirk. The only XñLôphRaeurKian who spoke fluent English explained that Dirk, because he was such a hard worker and a brilliant thinker, was being made a colonel of the XñLôphRaeurK fascist army, called the “DTSBX”. The other person was Larry’s old, cruel boss at the slaughterhouse, who made him work long, grueling hours for minimal pay and often blamed him whenever the USDA inspectors came in and found anything wrong, which they usually did. So the USDA always stuck Larry with massive fines, often putting him and his family-who despised him as much as anybody-in debt. Larry’s old boss was Dirk’s second-in-command. “Now, we’ve been hearing about you knowing what we’re up to,” said the XñLôphRaeurKian who spoke English (his name is so unpronounceable it cannot be expressed in characters of any Earth language). Larry tried to deny his knowledge, but before he could do anything Dirk gave him a mighty kick in the groin, and the XñLôphRaeurKians patted him on the back. Larry was sent to solitary confinement and was to be given an injected double-dose of the hallucinogen described earlier every hour.
So Larry was put in solitary confinement and the hallucinogen that gives you the painful impression that you are being raped with a cactus, except his experience was even more realistic, because his dosage was doubled. Eventually, though, the XñLôphRaeurKians stopped giving him the drug, because the war was heating up and they needed to use the drug on their prisoners of war; loyalists to the intelligent, peace-loving XñLôphRaeurKian government. So this left Larry to sit in his solitary confinement alone (obviously) and he couldn’t help but think of his sad, miserable life.
He thought of his marriage. It had been a total disaster from the start. Unable to find a single date in his entire life, and even being rejected by prostitutes, Larry one day actually resorted to ordering a mail-order bride. Her name was Annie and she came from a poor Irish family, the 12th of 16 children. She had pretty much agreed to marry him because she had no other options. They had nothing in common, except for the fact that they were both alcoholics. Worse yet, Annie’s father somehow got hold of his son-in-law’s address and phone number and called and wrote death threat letters to Larry on a daily basis, with messages like “If you lay your DIRTY PAWS on my baby just ONE TIME, I’m going to rip your throat out!!!!”. Her father even called the police and the FBI repeatedly, claiming that Larry was a drug smuggler, a rapist, and a communist, all of which were untrue. But nevertheless, Larry and his wife ended up having 3 semi-beautiful children, although Larry wasn’t quite sure that any of them were his, on account of the fact that she tended to sleep around a lot, and none of the kids ever looked like him. And Annie insisted on naming one of the kids Miguel Jr. But at least the kids were somewhat respectful towards Larry. That was, until they grew up a little bit, say of or around age 7, and began to write stories about murdering him slowly. Those little bastards, Larry thought, just before the door opened.
It took Larry a few second to adjust to the light, but when he finally did he stared up at the 6-foot silhouetted figure standing before him. Then that figure urinated in his eye. “Aaah!” Larry shouted. “Whoops, didn’t see ya there, boy,” replied the figure but he kept urinating until he was done. Larry stood up and walked out of the room quietly. Just then the man turned around and said “Where do you think you’re going?”. It was then that Larry’s mouth gaped open in bewilderment like a mailbox door that won’t shut. For standing in front of him was his father, God. He immediately recognized the swastika-shaped scar and the hideous, violent tattoos. “Father!” Larry shouted. “So you’re one of my kids, eh? Small world, ain’t it?”. Larry was too frightened to speak. “Which woman did you come from?” God inquired. But at that moment Larry gathered his courage and ran as fast as he could, trying to escape from the prison.
He bolted down the end of the hallway and turned a corner. But then all of a sudden Larry found himself falling 200 feet into a river. You see, he had turned into a hole in the building, a common XñLôphRaeurKian way to stop escapees. Larry plunged face-first into the near ice-cold river, and that was all the guy remembered when he woke up.
Larry woke up along an icy bank near what seemed to be the outskirts of a XñLôphRaeurKian city. In the center was a giant factory, but it produced no smog or any hazardous product. Larry gaped at the factory until the feeling returned to his legs and he realized they were both broken and hurt like hell. Larry didn’t even bother to stand up, he knew he couldn’t, so he crawled his way to the factory window and looked inside. The factory was much like his-except that there were no living things inside, XñLôphRaeurKians or humans. My God, Larry thought, machines have replaced all manual labor on this planet! The people must live in desperate poverty. And so he crawled further into the town, which was agonizing because the ground on XñLôphRaeurK is full of tiny insects with razor blade-like horns on their backs that cut you and inject a painful poison inside of you if you so much as grace by them. The XñLôphRaeurKians had naturally developed a chemical emitted from their bodies that instantly kills all of those type of insects within a 4 foot radius of the individual. But Larry hadn’t, so it was a very painful experience. But Larry was in awe when he took a look at the houses in the neighborhood. They were all lavish, gigantic homes made of some sort of porcelain. They looked like something from “the house of the future”. Larry happened to spot a XñLôphRaeurKian lying on a hammock on his front lawn. Apparently they had hammocks on XñLôphRaeurK.
“Hello”. Said Larry. “Hey, good friend! Wow, I never thought my Earth-English knowledge would EVER come in handy!”. Larry would have been relieved had his stomach not been bleeding profusely from the poison. “Listen,” Larry began, “Are there hospitals on this planet?”. “What?” inquired the XñLôphRaeurKian. “You know, places where you go and they heal your wounds and stuff”. The XñLôphRaeurKian looked puzzled. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but take this!” he handed Larry a chewable tablet. Larry took it and instantly he felt a whole lot better. In fact, he felt better than he had ever felt in his life, for he was-for the first time ever-completely healthy. Then he had a huge flood of painful, bloody diarrhea. “Whoops!”, said that XñLôphRaeurKian. “I guess it has side effects on races other than XñLôphRaeurKian! Ha-ha!”. Larry was not amused, but he sighed. This was still one of the better-feeling moments of his life. Just then Larry heard something from up above. They looked like the equivalent of bombers. The fascists were attacking! “Oh no!” cried Larry. He and the XñLôphRaeurKian raced out of town while the bombers used missiles and lasers to demolish the entire town.
The attack was catastrophic. Almost every home was destroyed. XñLôphRaeurKians, male, female, young, and old were blasted, maimed, and burned alive. Even families that held up white flags were shot down on the spot. But for some reason the XñLôphRaeurKian whom Larry had met, who happened to be named niih, for some reason could not stop laughing. He pointed his finger at the destruction and laughed like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. At first Larry thought that perhaps laughing on XñLôphRaeurK was the equivalent of crying on Earth, but he was dead wrong. For he saw everybody else in the village crying their 4 hexagram-shaped eyes out. Larry began to suspect that perhaps there was something not right about niih. But nonetheless, they kept walking. When niih finally stopped laughing, Larry asked what they should do now. Niih appeared to think about this for a second, then turned to Larry as if to give a serious answer. But all of the sudden niih’s expression turned to mad fury as he barked at Larry and told him “not to cross the line”. Then he started rambling on in what Larry could swear was Kurdish. But they kept walking. For food, Larry picked a delicious fruit he recognized off of a XñLôphRaeurKian plant. Niih chewed on one of his 3 arms. They kept on walking for hours, not speaking to each other, and at some point Larry realized that they niih was leading him on an aimless walk to nowhere. But Larry didn’t dare question that freak niih.
As dusk approached and it began to grow colder, niih abruptly stopped. Larry followed suit. Slowly, niih turned to Larry, and niih grinned. “Tell, me Mr. Larry,” he said. He stood there for 4 more minutes before he finished his sentence, “are you aware that matter in itself does not exist?”. Larry shook his head. No, he really hadn’t thought of that. “The truth is,” niih continued, “that all of what we perceive of as matter and life and soul is really just a great continuum of energy flowing in a constant circle that to us mere mortals exists as ‘the universe.” Larry nodded in confusion. He was totally lost…and frightened. But niih grew even more weird. “I AM YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS!!” he shouted as he zapped Larry into a totally different dimension.
Larry had been sent back in time. He looked all around him. He was surrounded by people, thousands and thousands of them, all screaming and yelling like animals. They were all drunk and they were all wearing togas. At first Larry thought he was on the set of Animal House, but when some gates opened and out came a huge, fearsome tiger, Larry realized that he was in the Coliseum in Ancient Rome. Larry held but a rusty sword in his hands. He had no armor, just a cheap toga. The tiger leapt at Larry, and Larry just managed to dodge it. Then the tiger lifted one of it’s mighty feet, drew its claws, and took a swipe at Larry’s crotch. Larry jumped backwards and fell flat on his back. As the tiger leapt at Larry again, Larry rolled away and got up just in time, although the tiger managed to scratch at his stomach.
So it went for about a half hour, the tiger leaping at Larry and Larry just managing to dodge it, sometimes drawing a scratch or a bruise from the tiger. The audience seemed to be rooting for the tiger, cheering when the tiger jumped at Larry and groaning when he missed. Eventually Larry learned to poke his sword at the beast, and although the tables weren’t exactly turned over, it was slightly less of a one-sided fight. After about an hour of fighting Larry, exhausted and bleeding both internally and externally, managed to strike the tiger in the throat with his sword, killing it. The audience booed, and some even threw rocks at Larry. “Die, Die!” they shouted in Latin. Finally the emperor stood up and pointed his thumb down. The audience cheered. All of the sudden the gates opened. A gigantic man wearing tons of armor, a spiked helmet, and bearing two gigantic, blood-stained swords, one in each hand. While Larry was gaping at this monstrous figure, two guards ran up and flanked him. They struck him in his shoulders with clubs and then tied his hands behind his back and his feet together. For exactly the 12,0475th time, Larry began to question whether he would live or die.
Larry struggled to resist, but the guards just kept beating him. Then, finally, he gave up, but the guards still beat him. Slowly, the great figure walked towards him, his swords raised, ready to slice up Larry like a Thanksgiving turkey. Larry, in one final act of desperation, shouted “Please don’t kill me!”. The crowd, despite not understanding his language, laughed uproariously. Then the great executioner lowered his swords and lifted his mighty helmet. Through Larry’s eyes that were covered with blood, he recognized the great figure standing before him as former U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt. What the hell?? Who had warped history like this? “I’m sorry, but I must end your life. It’s an inevitability, essential to the development of future events.” “But how-” that’s all Larry could choke out before a guard clubbed him in the throat. Teddy Roosevelt grabbed one of his swords, lifted it high in the air with both hands, and prepared to kill Larry.
But here comes another instance in this boring and repetitive tale where Larry by all means should have died but manages to cheat death by some freak occurrence, only to face something even more painful. For right at that moment a great spacecraft flew overhead and abducted Larry, as well as a few others. This time, however, the extraterrestrials trapped Larry inside a 2 feet by 2 feet dirty old steel coffin where he could not turn around and barely had enough air to breathe. Excruciating? You bet. And Larry endured this for almost 12 hours before the craft crashed.
Yes, somewhere along the line the spacecraft, guided by a drunken crackpot alien, crashed into the satellite of another planet. The gigantic space craft was destroyed and several large pieces of it went drifting off into space. The fragment that Larry was imprisoned in was burning up slowly from the inside, but Larry had no way of knowing this. So all that Larry could do was stand there and ponder still more of his sad, miserable life. He though back to his teen years where he lived in a disgusting, fly-ridden public restroom at Sleazy Bob’s outdoor park, a cheap camping joint in Southern Alabama. It was an easy place to live because that particular restroom was notorious for being hideously revolting, and nobody, neither janitor nor camper, would ever set foot in it. So this, unfortunately, was the safest place for Larry to hide in. You see, by some mistake, 14-year-old-Larry had ended up on the FBI’s top ten most wanted list for Conspiracy Involving International Terrorism. All across American stores, police stations, and post offices posters were put up commanding citizens to shoot Larry on sight if ever they were to see him. So Larry spent his days in that horrible restroom eating berries from the park and/or flies for food.
But one time something relatively bad happened. That year, a group of radical skinheads had become immensely popular in the town nearest to Sleazy Bob’s park. Sleazy Bob jr., the park’s owner, was one of the highest-ranking members of the group, called God’s Right Fist, or GRF. The group had convinced Sleazy Bob, Jr. to invite a bunch of Jews and Latvians (yes, there was a high population of Latvians in the town and the GRF just HATED Latvians!) to the park, but without telling them that Sleazy Bob would later close off the park and burn the whole place down with them inside! Sleazy Bob would be paid $25 to do this. Since $25 was easily more than Bob made in a week, he happily obliged. Most of the Jews and Latvians were burned alive, but Larry found out early about what was going to happen. Larry managed to escape, but at a heavy price. Has anyone ever seen the Shawshank Redemption? Well, remember the scene where he has to escape by crawling 500 yards through the sewers? Well, Larry had to do something similar, except that he traveled through 18 miles of narrow sewer pipes filled with giant rats that he had to fend off using just his tongue. Also, Larry contracted hepatitis, cholera, and the bubonic plague, all of which Larry narrowly managed to shake in the years to come.
Now where were we? Ahh yes, Larry was trapped in a fragment of a destroyed spacecraft and doomed to die as all of the oxygen in the craft either is sucked into space or is burned in the fire. All the oxygen would be gone in about 40 minutes. But Larry had no idea of his impending doom, so he just sat in his little coffin in a daze. But then somebody, a hero among men, ran around with a crowbar opening all of the coffins and releasing all of the prisoners. Of course, at the same time he was screaming and yelling like a manic, and he was also bashing some of the prisoners with his crowbar, but nonetheless he ended up freeing about 300 prisoners; some human, some other earth creatures, some hideous, bloodthirsty beasts from other planets. When Larry was freed, two things happened: First, the crazy guy bashed Larry in the face and in the groin. Second, Larry stepped out and noticed what was happening around him: a chaotic, all-out brawl between all of the creatures. Some were fighting in self-defense, some for food, others just because it was their violent, insane nature. Larry ran out of the room, narrowly escaping the bloodbath, and hurled into a hallway. When he picked himself up, Larry noticed the fire that was rapidly growing on the far end of the hallway. He immediately turned an ran back into the great room wherein creatures the universe over were mindlessly killing each other. A creature that looked like a cross between a wolf, Howard Dean, and a flamingo stared at Larry and growled. “Please don’t hurt me,” Larry hopelessly begged. The creature, red-eyed, barked and then leaped at Larry and bit his left arm off. Larry was as dumbfounded as he was in pain. He ran away from the beast as fast as he could, into the hallways, through the rooms, anywhere-because he was in a state of hysteria.
When Larry finally calmed down, he was lost, and he somehow began to sense that if he didn’t escape from this place soon he would surely die. He began searching the gigantic fragment of the craft for something he could escape in. He eventually came to a room full of small pods about the size of a Volkswagon. People and intelligent creatures of other planets alike were fighting to cram into these small pods. They were designed to hold 2 people, but in some pods there were 8 humans trying to cram themselves in. Larry tried to cram himself into one, but a massive person picked him up and threw him 20 feet away into the wall. Larry’s head and shoulders hit the wall directly, and the pain was excruciating. By the time Larry was finally able to get himself upright, all of the pods had been taken. There were only 3 other people left besides Larry. Well, 2 people and one other creature who stood about 5 feet tall, had red fur covering his body, 3 eyes, and horns coming out of his knees and elbows. Oh, and there was also one pod left.
The pod looked like an antique model that no one had touched in decades. It was relatively old and much-used. In fact, it had been retired and placed in the far corner of the craft’s garage so that it could be scrapped for parts later. But it would have to do for Larry and the three that stood before him. Oh yeah, I ought to introduce these folk, shouldn’t I? Well, one of the humans was named Diego, a 19-year-old illiterate Guatemalan farmer who spoke only Spanish. The other was a Canadian named Alec, who was short, had overgrown, untrimmed hair, and chipped incisor tooth. The third thing was a GourQex from the planet NGE-0323:#H7. It had no name. The three walked up to the pod and just kind of stood there, unsure of what to do next. Finally, Larry asked, “Uh, who wants to be pilot?” Alec, seemingly knowing what he was doing, went and grabbed a couple of oxygen tanks and a couple of what he was pretty sure were fuel tanks. Then they decided to climb in, for time was running short. The GourQex elected himself to pilot the pod. He fiddled with the controls, and when he pressed a giant green button the pod blasted forward.
It kept accelerating at a blistering, uncontrollable rate. Within seconds the view of the fragment of the craft was long gone. Eventually the group decided to try and slow down the pod, so that they might be able to control the ship and find some place to land. After much experimentation and much arguing, they finally managed to get the pod to accelerate at a steady pace. “Well, now what?” asked Alec. Even Diego and the GourQex-both non-English speakers-got the drift of what he said, but nobody had an answer. They seemed helpless, flying aimlessly in space with no food and nowhere to go. It was freezing cold, they were cramped together, and Larry still wasn’t used to having a stub for a left arm. For the next few hours, there was no sound except the faint humming of the pod’s engine.
The pod grew very cold. They were far from any star and the pod’s seemingly ancient heating system appeared to be faltering. They were all extremely discomforted, but the GourQex simply could not take it at all. On his planet, the average temperature-year round, was about 110 degrees Fahrenheit. Inside the pod it was now bordering on freezing temperature. The GourQex became ill and found it very difficult to pilot the pod, even though he didn’t really know where they were going. Eventually the thing took his hands off of the controls, turned to the others, and uttered a few sounds that the others took to meaning “man, I simply CANNOT do this anymore!” Larry, feeling sorry for the poor creature, motioned for him to step aside so that Larry could pilot. Suddenly, Alec yelled “HALT!” as he reached into his rectum and pulled out a 9mm. The others were dumbfounded, even the GourQex who knew nothing of the rectum nor the 9mm. Alec pointed the gun at Larry. “You’re not moving anywhere,” he said in a dark, haunting voice. “Birdbrain HAD to try and fly this pod. And low and behold, he ended up getting us NOWHERE!! Now, he got us here, and he is going to KEEP flying the pod OR ELSE!!” The rest of the group just sat there, scared and confused.
And so they flew on into the empty space, scared, confused, and freezing. The GourQex began to cough and struggled to maintain control of the pod. Clearly he was on the verge of death. Larry couldn’t bear to see his comrade struggling to survive, so he glanced over at Alec, who was staring out the pod window, his gun still in his hand. Then Larry noticed that Alec was leaning against a glowing wall. It seemed as if the engine, or some other vital part to the pod, was right next to that wall. Carefully, Larry reached over to touch the glowing part. It was warm! Very warm! The rest of the group was freezing to the point of sickness while Alec was secretly toasty! Just then Alec grabbed at Larry’s arm. “You want me to tear your other arm off, buddy?!?” he growled. “I, I was just thinking,” Larry stammered, “That maybe if that, uh, thing can lean up against this warm spot of yours, that maybe he might, uh, live.” Alec smiled, and then laughed. “And why would we want him to live, my friend? We don’t know a thing about him, we can’t trust him at all!! Where is he leading us? No, no no no no. I’ve got to keep him in my sight, keep him under my gun. And if he dies, GOOD! Survival of the fittest, buddy!” Larry was shocked and appalled at Alec’s insane rant, but had no time to protest. For by then, Diego had stood up to protest, and he was immediately shot and killed. Larry didn’t bother asking why Alec did that, he could tell the guy had a few too many screws loose in his head. Alec reached over to the control panel and pressed the button that puts the pod into overdrive and beat Larry over the head with his gun until Larry was unconscious.
When Larry woke up 30 minutes later (for our purposes, time is absolute even in deep space), he found himself both naked and tied up with a rope. Alec was eating Diego raw and the GourQex was suffering on the floor of the pod, quietly uttering his terminal whimpers as his life slowly faded away. Every once in a while Alec would look at the GourQex, laugh hysterically, and spit some of Diego’s bodily fluids at him. Larry began to wonder why Alec was treating him relatively well. But not wanting to jinx it, Larry stood his ground and shivered in the cold. Eventually, after it seemed that the GourQex had finally passed on, Alec began to pay attention to Larry. “Ya hungry?” he said. Larry shook his head nervously. “Well too bad, because you’ve just gotta eat or else you’ll get sick.” Larry already was sick from lying naked in the cold too long, he was coughing like crazy.
At that moment, Alec grabbed a knife out of his pocket. Larry didn’t know Alec had a knife as well as a gun. He cut off a big chunk of the GourQex’s thigh. The GourQex then let out a yelp, apparently he was still barely alive. “Shut up!” said Alec . Then he handed the slice of meat to Larry. “Eat Up!” commanded Alec. Larry shook his head in shock and disgust. But Alec only smiled. He grabbed Larry’s genitals, held his knife, and repeated the command. Larry opened his mouth, and Alec shoved the piece of raw, bloody meat into Larry’s mouth. It tasted so bad that Larry immediately vomited. But Alec only cursed, punched Larry hard in the stomach, and shoved the vomit-covered meat into his mouth again. Larry had no choice but to eat the meat of his fallen friend. After that ordeal was over, Larry cried, then vomited violently. To add injury to more injury, Alec pushed Larry against a wall and raped him with his knife. It was as disgusting as it was excruciatingly painful. Oh, how the constant insanity would not relent!
Suddenly, the two noticed that the pod was traveling at an alarmingly fast rate. In fact, it began to speed forward so fast that Larry and Alec were knocked up against the back wall and could not move. Larry soon realized that they were being sucked into a black hole. Well, this had to be it. There was simply no coming out of a black hole. As they accelerated faster and faster and more out of control, and Larry’s spinal cord lined up perfectly with the wall, Larry hit a point where he finally realized that there was no getting out of this one. Earlier I mentioned that there were some 12,000 times in which Larry recognized that he could die. This was actually out of about 33,000 critically dangerous situations. You see, Larry’s harsh life had made his nervous system work differently from ours. By the age of 10 he had lived through so much stress that his body would forever remain in a constant state of panic. Adrenaline flowed through his body constantly, and he was always jittery and nervous. He had so many ulcers that his stomach had to be removed and replaced with that of a gorilla (the bill for that operation forced Larry to sell his house). Also, he had lost all the hair on his head. Larry was constantly in “fight or flight” mode. Therefore his body was always fighting to survive. When you fight to survive your sense of reality becomes distorted, and you just can’t accept death for what it is. But now, for some reason, Larry’s overactive nervous system had given up on him, and Larry accepted the fact that his long, horrendous life was finally going to come to an end.
But alas, it did not. Albert Einstein once suggested that black holes could be portals to another universe. He might have been close, for this black hole had brought Larry back where he started, on XñLôphRaeurK, before he was zapped into that other dimension. He was walking 5 feet behind that weird little niih, escaping the fascist army. Knowing what was about to come next, Larry turned and ran from niih. He ran into the open woods, not knowing where to go. Plants that were like poison ivy only much, much more painful scraped up against Larry’s bare body (for he was still naked), causing him much discomfort. It went on like this for days. Larry wandered around aimlessly in the thick, frightening woods, avoiding beasts and fascist guerilla forces. There was only one thing to eat in the woods. It was a disgusting-tasting fruit of some bizarre tree. But alas, the fascist rebel army was advancing more and more into the woods, and Larry could not hide for long.
Finally, Larry came to a small XñLôphRaeurKian village, where everything seemed calm and peaceful. He approached the XñLôphRaeurKians of the village with caution, not knowing what to expect. They all stopped, turned, and stared at him. Finally, the leader of the village-the one that stood 3 feet tall and bore extravagant clothing-came up to Larry. “The chosen one, you have come!” he exclaimed. All of the others jumped for joy, for their messiah had finally come. “What?!?” Larry responded, baffled. “You know,” the leader said, “The one that would save us from the fascist rebel oppressors by piloting the spacecraft we built back to the promised land on the planet Earth!” The leader pointed to a gigantic spacecraft on the top of a hill. Larry shook his head. “Oh no, I’m not the chosen one…” he explained. “Well, well then! I suppose you’re a false prophet and we’ll have to kill you!” the leader snapped back. “Uh, well actually, I AM the chosen one! Haha, I was just testing your faith. Well, uh, let’s get to that spacecraft, shall we?” The people of the village jumped for joy. Larry walked up to the top of the hill and climbed inside the craft, and the villagers followed.
They directed Larry to the pilot’s seat. Larry stared at the controls in front of him. He had no clue how to run the ship. But then it got worse. “We have made two large, red, rectangular buttons that look identical, but one of them blasts off the ship and one of them blows up the ship and everything within 10,000 miles of the ship!” Larry’s jaw dropped in horror. “Oh yeah,” the leader noted, “there’s also a third identical button that banninates j00!” Larry didn’t even know what that meant. But then the leader mentioned the fourth identical button, which gave everybody on the ship a horrible, painful disease that gave the individual a slow, excruciating death over the course of 10 years. He also mentioned the fifth identical button, which automatically elects Joe Lieberman to 43 consecutive terms as President of Russia. By the time the leader was talking about the horrors of the 9th identical button, Larry jumped up and exclaimed, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?!!? I JUST WANT TO TAKE YOU TO THE PROMISED LAND!!!” The villagers were dumbfounded. “Well,” the leader explained, “we figured only the true chosen one can differentiate between all of the buttons.” Larry covered his face with his hands and shook his head in agony. “You are not the true chosen one! We should kill you!” shouted one of the villagers. Other villagers made similar claims. “Wait, wait, wait! Ok, I’m going to press the correct button now! Just give me some time!” said Larry. Larry was so nervous that if anxiety was marijuana Larry could supply at least 17 Phish concerts with it. That was terrible. Anyway, as Larry puzzled over which button to press, the villagers began to shout and point towards the window. For they could see that the fascist army was fast approaching. “Hurry, hurry! Press the button!” they commanded Larry. Finally, Larry closed his eyes and randomly pressed one of the many identical buttons.
Nothing happened. Larry pressed the button again, but it did nothing. The whole crew was baffled. “Did somebody forget to put fuel in this thing?” the leader asked. “Yes,” one of the villagers answered. “Well then,” replied the leader, “I suppose the chosen one will have to toss YOU into the fuel tank!” The whole crew, including Larry, gasped. “But wait! I didn’t say it was I who forgot to put the fuel in! It was actually NuyIÑpGH over there! I can prove-” “SILENCE!!” the leader yelled, “The chosen one, if he be the true chosen one, will toss you into the fuel tank, right?” he turned to Larry. Larry nodded unsteadily. Against his will, Larry got up, grabbed the pleading villager by his tiny head, and threw him into the fuel tank. “Actually,” said the leader, “That might not be enough to get this ship to Earth. We’re going to have to cut off that stub of yours, chosen one.” Larry gasped and shook his head in horror at the notion of that. But nonetheless, it was done, and it was very painful. It would have been less painful had the villagers not used a dull, rusty tool the size of a pocketknife. But after they threw his stub into the fuel tank, along with the still-alive unfortunate villager, it was time to go, for the fascist rebel army was fast approaching.
Larry pressed the same button he pressed before, praying that it would work out. As it turned out, he had miraculously pressed the right button, yet again cheating death. The ride was very long and very annoying, for Larry had to put up with the villagers singing a XñLôphRaeurKian version of “99 bottles of beer on the wall” for the entire 12-hour (again, time is absolute even in space) ride. If he dared try and silence this annoyance, his position as chosen one would be questioned. But finally, they landed somewhere in Tajikistan (for those of you with a pathetic knowledge of Geography, Tajikistan is a former Soviet republic located Northeast of Afghanistan). However, the minute they stepped out they were surrounded by U.S. soldiers. Apparently, President George W. Bush had decided that Tajikistan would be his next target for a massive invasion, for reasons unknown. The soldiers shot down all of the villagers, and then pointed their guns at Larry. But then came an event that not even I saw coming, and I’m the author! Larry jumped up 10 feet in the air, did a wall kick off of the spacecraft, and landed on a soldier’s head, killing him. He grabbed the soldier’s gun and single-handedly wiped out the entire division. Larry himself couldn’t even believe it. Apparently his luck was turning….
THE FINAL VOLUME!!!!!111OMGWTFLOLBBQNAFTA!!!
And so, Larry became a warlord, recruiting men for his army and conquering other armies. Eventually he overthrew several Arab republics, including Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and eventually Saudi Arabia. He then conquered Russia and all of Africa. From then on he easily conquered the entire world. Oddly enough, France was the last country to fall, refusing to surrender until every last soldier had been killed. Once he had total control of the world, he crowned himself dictator for life, with complete authoritarian rule of everything. From then on he established the most brutal, sinister dictatorship the world had ever seen. Every day he ordered massive chemical and bomb attacks on his own people for his own amusement. He also selected 72 random people-men, women, and children-every day for him to rape. He wiped out every species of animal on Earth except the chicken, the cow, and the shrimp-and even those animals existed only in his farms for his consumption. He rationed out food to all of the world’s masses-meager portions of spoiled food that barely kept them out of starvation. Only his own guards were able to live even remotely comfortably. He murdered and tortured all dissidents of any form, and then killed even those who loved him, of which there were few. All art and science were banned, and the only work in the world revolved around serving Larry, who changed his name to “Fuhrer Larry”.
A mere 7 years after he conquered all of the world, the world’s population fell to 100 million. Larry decided he’d had enough of this life and ordered the building of a massive spacecraft that he would pilot himself to XñLôphRaeurK. The craft included a couple of massive rocket launchers that would bear nuclear weapons. And indeed, the moment the ship took off, as the people of the planet rejoiced, he set off a boatload of nuclear weapons, which ended up wiping out all life on Earth. Not a cell was spared. Larry eventually made it to XñLôphRaeurK, where he became a high-ranking member of the ruling fascist party. He eventually came to a point where he shared a dictatorship with Dirk, God, and his old boss from the slaughterhouse. Together they led as brutal dictators until they died together, painlessly and peacefully, at ripe old ages. Yes, ’twas a grave disappointment to see Larry, a man who knew the struggle and hardship of life like no other person in history to become such a cruel, evil **** the moment he was able to get his way. And yet, such is the way of life. By that I mean that there is little good in human potent…
Aw screw it I’m going to Burger King.