A giraffe landed suddenly on the bare plains of an Eccles council estate. The giraffe, who was startled for a brief moment, sneezed then carried on eating somebody’s rhododendron. The somebody came outside and shouted obscenities at the giraffe, who returned it with a look of total contempt before walking away towards the high street.
Chapter 1 – Attack of the blue scraggy thing from outer space
The blue scraggy thing ate his cereal and looked up. Outside against the silver metallic landscape lay a team of archaeologist greenfly. Unknown to the blue scraggy thing they were singing ring-a-ring-a-roses in remembrance of the great dragonfly of 202021 Ano Dominoes, who were believed to be the deadliest of dominoes around at that time. The blue scraggy thing was the emperor of this lonely platinum planet and was extremely surprised and shocked to see the holy ceremony, which had been outlawed since 305967, when everybody on the planet had died. Since that time the greenfly had carried on running the all-important industries such as car tyres and carpets. The blue scraggy thing was neither a greenfly nor an insectoid, rumours had it that he had evolved from a particularly clever bit of mould that had managed to survive inside a coffee cup during the nuclear holocaust, but nobody mentioned this in fear of their lives. The blue scraggy thing prided himself on having no discrimination whatsoever. He despised everything and everyone regardless of who they were.
But today he had even managed a slight muscle twitch that may have resembled a smile if you squinted. Today was the day that he was going to put his plan into action. Today he was going to rid the planet of all greenfly, with his newest invention. So clutching a plank of wood he sat down in his time machine and said “Whoop” as he sat in his lunch. “Eurgh” replied the lunch.
He pressed a button and the time machine went “hee, hee, hee” as it disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke. In it’s place stood a very confused car salesman.
“Hello” said the door to the car salesman, “I am a door. I open and I close.”
“Yes.” Said the car salesman, “I suppose you do.”
“I can also creak if you’d prefer.”
“No that’s all right. I’m just a lowly penguin.” Said the car salesman as he shot himself in the head.
The door groaned. “Not again.” It said.
The time machine landed in Trafalgar Square on top of a metal lion. The door flew open. “Ahha!” Said the blue scraggy thing. The time machine overbalanced and fell onto the floor. “Ow.” said the blue scraggy thing. A man in a top hat and a moustache looked at the evolved piece of mould lying flat on the floor.
“Ow.” said the blue scraggy thing again for dramatic emphasis.
The man in the top hat and moustache sneezed.
“Oh. You have a cold.” Said the blue scraggy thing. “Show me the greenfly parliament and I will cure your cold.”
“Right.” said the man in the top hat and moustache and ate the blue scraggy thing. Later that day the man in the top hat and moustache was recaptured by a London asylum. In later years he went on to invent penicillin.
Chapter 2 – The greenfly parliament
Emperor Greenfly 10 000 000th was a very lenient emperor on the Platinum planet. She made legal everything that Emperor Blue Scraggy Thing had outlawed. Now the greenfly people had freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of press, and freedom of facial expressions. But hell, if anyone even suggested that maybe capitalism was the cause of extreme poverty in other parts of the globe then they would have their tongues cut off before being hung drawn and quartered.
Footnote: This last chapter has absolutely no relevance to the rest of this story; it is just there to parallel the stupidity of American society.
Chapter 3 – Break-in at the frozen pizza factory
0200 hours dot dot dot, all is quiet, all is still.
0400 hours dot dot dot, this is really not brill.
“No, no no no!” The security guard yelled at the notepad. He was trying his hand at poetry and failing miserably. He had made a choice several months ago to go to evening classes once a week. He had stupidly chosen English; you see he had gotten a idea into his head after watching a cartoon version of a Shakespearean play. “I could write something like that, no problem.” He had told his wife. “Oh yes? I’d like to see you try.” His wife had replied. From that moment on the challenge had stayed fresh in his mind, he had enrolled in evening classes with the idealistic notion that after a few lessons he would become a great writer. Now, three months on, he was struggling to write a simple rhyme. He shouldn’t have left his homework till the last day. Hadn’t secondary school taught him anything??? Well, obviously not, that’s why he failed all his exams and was now a security guard trying to make ‘still’ and ‘brill’ be a perfectly acceptable rhyme.
He looked up from his little guard box outside the frozen pizza factory and watched as four masked cats jumped over the barbed wire fence and metamorphasised into gorillas. “Aw, isn’t that cute.” He thought and went back to writing his poetry.
“Psst.” Said one gorilla.
“What?” Said another.
“Is this it?”
“Yes it must be.” Said one of the gorillas at the back. “The map says it’s here.”
“But there’s a frozen pizza factory on top of it.”
“What do you mean, “Well?” how do we get down there?”
“You never heard of a spade?”
“No.” Said the remaining gorilla. “Do you wear it?”
“Why did he have to come along?”
“I’ve told you before, he’s the only survivor. He’s the only one who knows the code.”
“So why couldn’t we just bring his brain and access the code from there?”
“That would be inhumane.”
“Don’t speak to me about inhumane, you didn’t have to sit next to him on the train journey up here.”
“Oh quit complaining.”
“Don’t tell me to quit complaining. Do you know how many games of eye-spy we played?”
“Shhh. Be quiet, pipe down. There’s a security guard over there.”
“I’ll tell you shall I? One.”
“Yes one, one that lasted three hours. I hadn’t realised there were that many words that began with ‘S’. I mean ‘seat’; he couldn’t even guess ‘seat’. We had sausage, secret hideout, seven igloos, small bald man on the table next to us, smashed coffee, which of course he had to demonstrate, severed head…..mmmhy hhff hjmmmm!!!!”
“Was it really necessary to gag him?”
“That security guard’s giving us funny looks.”
“You’d think he’d never seen four masked gorillas trying to break into a frozen pizza factory wouldn’t you?”
The security guard may have been a bit slow but he had realised that something was wrong with the situation unfolding before him. He wrote down on his notepad. 0220, four cats jump the fence, they then turn into gorillas and hence, … he suddenly realised what he had just wrote rhymed. He immediately lost interest in the situation outside and concentrated on going through the alphabet to find something that would rhyme with hence and fence. “Bents, cents, dents, e-ents..” he murmured to himself.
The four gorillas, after sorting out their differences, broke into the frozen pizza factory, one of the gorillas went up to the security alarm and disabled it. After closing the door and reprogramming the security camera with a looping video, all four gorillas metamorphosised back into four ordinary aliens. They walked through the frozen pizza factory lost and confused.
“What are we looking for?”
“I don’t know. Keep looking.”
“There’s nothing here! No secret door! No alien headquarters! It’s just a bloody frozen pizza factory.”
“Oh ye of little faith.”
“Yes I know that’s because I’m realistic. You know what they’ve done don’t you? They just wanted us out of the way.”
“Why? That would make no sense.”
“I don’t know, so they can invade the Archimedes Section, so they can blow up the mountains of Yapmandoo to get the gold, so they can dress up as chickens and have a fancy dress party, I don’t know!!”
“Don’t be so paranoid, we have to find the secret relic of the fifth tribe of the Sunking so that the holy ghosts can be realised and restore peace to the universe.”
“That sounds so daft. I can’t believe I was roped in. I mean I should have got suspicious when they gave us that map that’s drawn in red crayon. But no, I believed your endless faith. I am soooo stupid.”
Hang on a second, thought the security guard, breaking into the frozen pizza factory, that rings a bell. He thought back to his days of training, what was it exactly that the trainer said? “Blah blah blahblah blah blahblahblah, right?” “Yes Sarge.”
Damn. No, concentrate! “Blah, blah, important thing is, if someone is breaking in, you ring the police, right?” “Yes Sarge”
That was it, breaking in. Ahhh, that’s what he should do. He stared at the phone, now, what was the number again?