I came into work this morning and noticed that the toilet in the ladies room won’t stop flushing…it’s just flushing and flushing. I thought, seeing as it is about five feet from my office, that I could look at it as a kind of serenity fountain. You know the kind you can buy for about thirty dollars to clutter up your desk and breed larva after it annoys you and you yank the batteries out. But all it did was cause me to have to pee more than usual; it got so bad that had to go to the infirmary because I was dehydrated.
With my stress level raised to 110%, I figured that if I can change a light bulb, I can fix this potty. I grabbed my “tools”: a staple puller, Sharpie marker and packing tape dispenser and off I went. It took about 5 minutes to assess the situation (by looking in the door) and another 10 to go down stairs and smoke a cigarette.
But when I stormed into the bathroom to end my misery I fell on my ass and smacked the back of my head on the tile because the floors were all wet with a fine TOILET WATER mist, which also caused my white pants to become see through from the back.
Once I got back from the infirmary and dried my pants with napkins from the kitchen I took it a little more slowly this time and made it to the toilet. I hit it about the tank and lid with the packing tape dispenser and that didn’t do it, so I poked it repeatedly with the staple puller and that didn’t work either (I was sure that one would work – if someone poked me with a staple puller I would stop). Finally I took out the sharpie marker and wrote, “ STOP IT” on the toilet lid and surprisingly that didn’t work either.
I needed to step back and assess the situation a little more so when I got back from smoking another cigarette, I decided that if I can’t stop it maybe I could muffle that tinkling sound the water was making. So I grabbed a roll of toilet paper and dropped it in the water. That helped just a tad, so I figured more toilet paper less noise. It was when I dropped the second roll in that I realized that the first roll was being sucked down the hole.
Now I am not a mechanical genius or anything, but I do know that you shouldn’t let a whole roll of paper go in the sewer hole cause it will get stuck, and it did. I tried to reach in to grab on to the little bit that was sticking out, but I couldn’t grip it very well. So I thought if I put my foot in the hole and pushed maybe that would give it enough momentum to keep it from getting stuck. It worked; well actually, the force of the toilet sucking my sandal off and pulling it down the drain, with the roll of toilet paper, was probably the biggest help in clearing the path.
But all in all things turned out ok, the one roll of toilet paper is still in there muffling the sound. And as luck would have it, there is a prosthetics store directly across the street from my building, so as long as they have one right foot brown sandal I am back in business!
Coming Next Week:
Well, I was going to write about the headless doctor but Stephen already mentioned it in his column. So then I thought that I could write about how my friends basement flooded with poopy water during a heavy rainstorm but he already wrote about flooding too, and Bob already wrote about poop…so now I don’t know what I will write about.
Because if I went ahead now and wrote about the same things they did then it would look like I am copying. And I may be a few things like a sinner, shop-a-holic, who drinks too much and talks about people behind their backs, that is pretty much indifferent to anything that doesn’t concern me. But I am NOT a plagiarizing-copy cat…So anyway, what was my point? I had a point, what was it?
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