Part One: Evil
- Humor – 2 Pages –
In the far distant future, a band of Lesbians landed in their invisible spaceship somewhere in New Jersey.
Suddenly, strange cosmic rays penetrated their bodies, turning some of them to evil!
Ajax, a pretty lesbian, but not one who had turned to evil, burst into the Captain’s cabin.
“Captain, Captain, come quick! Some of us lesbians, but not me, have turned to evil!”
“No! Not choke evil! said the Captain. “Should we defend ourselves with blaster rays?”
“I think we should!” said Ajax.
The Captain and Ajax quickly gathered all the lesbians who had not become evil and armed them with blaster rays. They were all pretty, including the Captain. They immediately confronted the evil lesbians, who hissed at them, and were unattractive.
“We are evil!” they shouted. “Fear us!”
“Should we, Captain?” said Zilla, one of the pretty lesbians.
“Yes! And blast them with the blaster rays!” said the Captain. So they did.
But the blaster rays had no effect. The evil lesbians pretended they liked the blaster rays, and started to dance. Then they ran out into the forest of New Jersey.
“Stop, evil lesbians!” shouted the Captain. But they didn’t stop. They just kept on running.
“We have unleashed a bad thing onto this planet,” said the Captain. “Although not on purpose.”
“We should do something,” said Ajax. So all the pretty lesbians took a shower together, because they only had one shower, though it was a big one. And then they dried their hair.
“Wait!” cried Ajax. “I meant that we should do something about the evil lesbians, like stopping them.”
“You are right, Ajax,” said the Captain. And all the lesbians agreed. They locked up their spaceship and followed the evil lesbians into the forest. They all wore special sunglasses that could see through things, like trees or buildings. After they had walked for about a mile or so, they got tired and fell asleep on the floor of the forest all curled up together. For warmth.
Part Two: Eaten by Wolves
In the morning they awoke refreshed, and did stretching exercises and jumping jacks; they were in high spirits and started to sing.
“Girls!” scolded the Captain. Her hair was silver and very long and beautiful, but she wasn’t human. None of them were. They were like big, purple octopuses, but with more arms and three breasts, and they had horns. Growing out of their breasts. But they hid their true forms.
“We have a job to do, to stop evil,” she reminded them.
“I remember,” said Zilla.
“We’ll stop singing,” said Ajax. So they stopped.
They walked some more and after a while they saw something through the trees. It was a city.
“Look, a city!” said Marty. She was another of the pretty lesbians. But shorter.
“What does it mean?” said Zilla.
“It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a city,” said Ajax.
“Oh,” said Zilla.
“The evil ones will go there,” said the Captain.
“We should follow them,” said Ajax. So they walked towards the city. Soon, the special glasses showed them strange creatures leaping and bounding, and coming towards them very fast.
“What’s that?” said Marty.
“People. Or animals,” said Zilla.
It turned out to be wolves, hungry wolves that jumped on them, biting and growling.
“Use your blaster rays!” shouted the Captain. But the blaster rays were useless.
“Run away!” shouted the Captain. The pretty lesbians all ran away, but some didn’t. They were the ones who got eaten by the wolves.
When they stopped running all of them began to cry, and they hugged and kissed each other for a long, long time. Because they were so sad. After they had stopped crying, they all had something to eat, and then the Captain said “I’ve lost a lot of confidence in these blaster rays.” And they all threw their blaster rays away.
“Take out your death rays,” said the Captain. So the rest of the time they were in the forest all the lesbians carried death rays in their hands, in case the wolves came back. After a time, they came to the city and it was called the city of New Jersey and they all hid themselves until dark
Part Three: Screams of the Damned
The city was a wreck. Smashed and gutted cars littered the streets, creating metal mazes through which scurried the devolved citizens of the city, survivors of some nameless horror. Fires burned, the smoke carrying the reek of destruction to the lesbians looking down on the city.
“This is not a pretty place,” said Ajax.
“Let’s go,” said the Captain. And so the lesbians entered the city, and the buildings looked like skeletons of metal and stone, and there was silence.
“Spooky,” said Zilla.
“Spooky,” Marty agreed. They noticed an ugly old woman huddled in a doorway, her face pinched and dirty.
“Hello, woman of the city,” said the Captain. “Tell us, have you seen our sisters? The ones like us?”
The woman shuddered. “They do unspeakable things,” she whispered.
“Then don’t speak of them,” said Ajax sensibly. “Just tell us where they are.”
“There,” she pointed with a thin claw-like finger.
“Thanks!” said Ajax, and the lesbians headed in the direction indicated by the hideous crone. This is what they saw: A huge bonfire had been built, and around it the evil lesbians had placed little tables, and at the little tables sat the wretched males of the city. And the evil ones were serving them drinks, and rubbing their feet, and complimenting them on their scrawny musculature, and sashaying, and flipping their hair at them, and doing other things more evil still.
Ajax screamed. It was a scream to chill the blood and freeze the marrow.
“N-n-n-n-not possible,” stuttered the Captain. “Such evil…”
Zilla screamed and Marty screamed and soon they were all screaming and slapping each others faces. Then the hugging started, and they hugged each other with tight, tight hugs. For comfort. Because of the horror.
“Should we shoot them with death rays, Captain?” said Ajax.
“Yes, do it now!” shouted the Captain. So all the pretty lesbians took out their death rays and shot the evil lesbians, and the evil lesbians screamed and fell down because the death rays were killing them, and the walls of the city echoed with the screams of the Damned. Then they lost their hidden forms, and were revealed as huge purple, three-breasted octopi, and the males shrank from them and ran in disgust, but some were impaled on the horns growing from the breasts of the evil ones and were slain. And the evil lesbians all died in agony.
“We must leave this planet” said the Captain, “or evil will destroy us too.” And all the lesbians agreed. So they made a pile of the bodies and burned them, and they returned to the ship and to the cold embrace of space, and they never forgot the horrible fate of their sisters on that forgotten world, though they shudder to think of it, and clutch each other fiercely.
To soothe the pain.
© 2003 by Craig Snyder