Interview with Robert Peterson

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[Interview commences on Robert Peterson’s back patio]

Hello my name is Robert Peterson. I am a father to three children, two boys Pete and Oscar, one girl, Lizzy. I work in sales, for a white goods company, specializing in human resources. My wife is Janine, and we’ve been together for 17 years now. I guess you could say I’m an outdoors man. I enjoy walking out onto the back-patio and staring up and the sky, its quite common for me to spend several hours with my hand-in-my pockets, waiting for something to fly by.

[Robert demonstrates how he wears his hands in his pockets.]

One does see quite a few birds, a plane now and then, and if you’re lucky you might spot a helicopter. A silly game my family will play is to lock me out of the house while I’m watching the sky. I’ll hear a CLICK. Look around, and the kids will be standing behind the locked door laughing, though I can’t hear them because they’re behind the thick glass, I can just see them laughing. Eventually they get bored and close the curtains and I go back to watching the sky.

[Robert goes to let us back inside the house but the door is locked.]

Occasionally I’ll have to throws a few rocks at the windows to get their attention:

[Throws a handful of pebbles at windows.]

What is it Robert?

[Janine appears from their bedroom window on the second floor.]

Oh hello Janine, Would you be able to unlock the front door for me? I have been out here for quite some time now, about.

[Robert checks his watch.]

Yuh, about 6 hours now, I am getting rather hungry.

Bloody hell Robert, I’m upstairs at the moment. Can’t you just wait until tomorrow love?

Oh, well, I, Yes I suppose I can wait. Would you please throw down some a bread roll, or an apple?

No Robert I’m very busy.

[Janine swiftly closes the window.] [We manage to force a side window and reconvene the interview in the drawing room. Robert then says he is experiencing a paroxysm of white noise in the head and demands we fix him some tea if the interview is to continue.]

I think Janine is still a bit upset, visa-v my attempt to have her killed the other night. In a few weeks I’m sure we’ll be able to have a good laugh about it [Robert fidgets, then says he needs a drink, though, both myself and the cameraman watch him bypass the kitchen and walk into one of the linen closets in the hallway. He walks out a few minutes later]. She kept putting the forks where the knives should go in the cutlery draw, and I found was particularly maddening. My reaction, and in hindsight, perhaps slightly over-the-top, was to hire the services of a hit-man and have her taken out, hopefully before tea. Then it was just a matter of making tea, brushing the dog, then putting the kids to bed. If Janine and I got out for a meal, we usually leave the kids with dog. So It seems to help to if we keep him happy.

But the thing was Janine had also hired her own hit-man to do a hit on me that very night. And suffice to say, her hit-man thought my hit-man was me, and they ended up knocking-off each other. [Robert Laughs] Janine and I came out to find Pete and Lizzy playing in and amongst the dead men, Pete had one of the severed legs and was holding it behind himself like a tail.

More Fun Fiction…

Nils Erwin

Nils submitted this piece in 2004 with a link to his webpage "under the floor" which is no longer available.*** Here's an "about me" excerpt from his long lost webpage: *** "Shortly after I was born it came as quite a startle to my then already beleaguered parents (they had wanted a girl who could sew), that I would speak fluent spanish. My first words were: "Dónde está el tocador? Necesito refrescar para arriba." Which roughly translated means: "Where is the toilet, I need to freshen up." Fearing that I had some incredible gift, or even worse, that I was channeling a homosexual spanish immigrant, my parents paid a vagrant to drop me down a manhole along with a satchel of dried food with the hopes that I might surface one day quite normal and ready to join society again. Fortuitously, this tuned out to completely unnecessary, for as swiftly as I picked up the dialect, it abandoned me, and I returned to the normal incoherence of a baby."

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