Alter ego No. 28

-Humor – 3 Pages –

Andy awoke to a foul stench, and a note. The note lay peacefully on the perimeter of his desk; evidently he had slept the night in the study. His back had, let me see. 2…3..7 – 12 yes, he counted at least 12 kinks in his back, and on passing the mirror he was also grotesquely mutated by a series of crease marks on his face. The note was poorly written and was signed with a skull and crossbones – the note declared the arrival of a new alter ego into Andy’s life. And, no sooner had he created himself had he, tampered with the the cat, pulled all the stuffing’s out of the cushions and shoved them into the freezer, and stolen the car.

“Here kitty, Andy’s got dinner for you.” The cat slunk into the hallway wearing pantyhose on each leg and sporting a fetching handbag for a hat. “Oh dear, look what he has done to you, poor Kat. Oh my, look you’ve even been given a makeover.” Lipstick was crudely smeared across the cats face, and blue powder filled the cat’s ears. “I must say though, if we straighten you up a bit we could get you a lady friend in no time.” The cat gnawed his paw. Then sneezed.

How long was he Cavorting around the apartment cat? Ow, this one’s a Meany.

Oh hell, what if he teams up with no. 16 that would be catastrophic. But I do remember 16 mentioning he was at tennis camp all week, so that shouldn’t be too much of a worry. But 12 has been a-wall for 2months now and he can’t be trusted either. Oh what am I to do cat? The cat had left the room 10 mins earlier. Now that I think about it, I don’t recall ever owning a cat, what bloody fuck. Where is that cat? Get the hell out of here cat wherever you are! What do I care if no.28 molests the neighbors cat, actually I commend, him…Good show no. 28! I’m going back to bed. Andrew sat on the corner of the bed, it collapsed under his weight and he slid roughly onto the ground with possible carpet burn to his arm. Fucken Fuck. He lit an expensive cigar, and pondered his situation.

I should get my automobile back, that should be the first order of business. Then, time permitting, I should hit the roulette tables in the south side of the city; concentrating my efforts on numbers 7-13 with all the currency I can hit upon. Yes this is good plan. Andy, pleased with himself, lit up another cigar and decided to invite the cat back in.

He opened the big heavy door to his apartment ever so slightly, and gazed at the polished floor boards not knowing what to do next. There was not a decision to be made, Mrs. Burton from the down the hall was standing right there, her arms crossed, and with the awful cat at her feet, still dressed up and looking rather silly.

Andy tried to avoid her gaze, zigzagging his head up and down the doorway, old Mrs.Burton have no trouble keeping up with his not altogether great evasive technique.

“Stop that Mr. McLaughlin. We must talk. Now just take a look at my cat!” The old woman stamped her feet on the polished floorboards, her garter slipping, and the cat possibly laughing.

“Yes he’s a fine cat; I told him with a bit of work we could get him a date.”

“Upmfh, You swine, who did this to my cat?” Shrieked the old woman.

“No. 28 is your purp, someone ought to put an AGB out on that No.28, he’s got my car you know.” He explained the situation.

“No. 28? What in gods name are you on about.” She seemed genuinely confused.

“No. 28, face like a kettle, wears his teeth real high, and will kick your cat upside the head before you know what time it is.” This is the profile he had pieced together earlier using the identikit had had ordered via the internet.

“Good god man, you’re not making a drop of sense, just keep well away from my cat you dirty dirty man.”

Andy waved goodbye to the cat and gave a huge middle finger to the old woman after she had turned her back, I’m sure the cat laughed this time.

Andy’s car was a shiny car, he was scrupulous about regular washes, though avert to dealing with large amounts of untamed water himself, he would usually send 23 down to do it, and if 23 refused he would promptly receive an errant boot to the backside as per the law. Maybe this no. 28 fellow had taken his car to be serviced? Possibly. What we need is a car. Andrew locked up and sauntered over to the Mrs. Burtons house with the request of 1 car and 1 set of keys.

“Ah, Mrs. B, long time no see, I was just wondering if I could…….”

SLAM!! CLINK.CLANK.CLINK. He had to jump back to avoid getting he nose separated from his head.

Hmmm. He sucked in his cheeks to facilitate deep thought. The cat in the hat had slipped out the door and was watching him watching the cat watching him think.

“Hey there little thrill seeker, want to come with me? You can ID the purp for me; you’ve seen him, that’s for sure.” The cat had lost the handbag for a hat, but now had a poets beret worn on a slant with a feather in it.

“What do you say?”

They took off down the street, the cat in toe, heading to the south. The plan was to hit the roulette tables first and see what came of it.

“You know its APB not AGB you bumbling idiot.” Said the cat under his breath.

“Did you say something?” Andy had a cigar in his hand and pointed it accusingly at the feline. The cat adjusted his hat and didn’t say nuffin he just kept walking.

At the casino that cat won 500. Andy knocked over an Asian gambler and caused him to cut his arm open. He insisted on helping the gentlemen up and inspecting his wounds. He tried not to act surprised when he spotted the cavernous gash on the Asian mans arm. But he did anyway.

“Jesus Christ. Er, we better get you to a hospital or at least fetch you a turnacus.” He couldn’t stifle is giggles, the cat was behind the Asian man smirking and pushing the Asian mans shin with one of his paws, a ridiculous site all round. After delegating the Asian man over to a casino assistant they both decided they should leave before things got out of control and No.

28 was NOT at the casino.

“What’s the use; we ain’t never gone find nuffin.” As soon as the sound left his lips, No. 14 careened around the corner and crashed into them. Oh god this isn’t happening.

Andrew took him by the arms and sedated him, he seemed goofier than normal. “No. 14, what in god’s name is going on, have you seen no, 28?” No. 14 drooled.

“I’m warning you No. 14, get all tight-lipped on me and I’ll ship you back to Prussia faster than you can stitch a pair of jeans.”

“He’s by the wharf, having a grand old time. Flashing lotsa big notes and such. He also got this real buxom busty with all the trimmings in his car, they be all up in that you should have seen it” No. 14 couldn’t help but expel copious amounts of drool as he spoke, the cat gave a scornful glare.

“Enough, enough, that’s my goddman car! That Rotten no. 28, I’m going to break his legs.”

Andy and cat did finally catch up with No. 28. And they did break his legs. He was forced to wash cars with No. 23 for the rest of his days.


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Nils Erwin

Nils submitted this piece in 2004 with a link to his webpage "under the floor" which is no longer available.*** Here's an "about me" excerpt from his long lost webpage: *** "Shortly after I was born it came as quite a startle to my then already beleaguered parents (they had wanted a girl who could sew), that I would speak fluent spanish. My first words were: "Dónde está el tocador? Necesito refrescar para arriba." Which roughly translated means: "Where is the toilet, I need to freshen up." Fearing that I had some incredible gift, or even worse, that I was channeling a homosexual spanish immigrant, my parents paid a vagrant to drop me down a manhole along with a satchel of dried food with the hopes that I might surface one day quite normal and ready to join society again. Fortuitously, this tuned out to completely unnecessary, for as swiftly as I picked up the dialect, it abandoned me, and I returned to the normal incoherence of a baby."

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