It was a lovely day and the Cummy Todge was brimming with people. Some of these people were regulars who were somewhat used to the usual insanity of the place. Most of them however were the unfortunate victims of chance, blissfully unaware that they were in danger of leaving the establishment gibbering like halfwits.
Ned squoze past Fauna holding a tray of drinks. He wasn’t too impressed at playing waiter and he snapped at Fauna: “Where the hell is that rabbit?”
Fauna nearly dropped the glass she had just put through the washer unit. “I think he went over to the garage. He said something about fixing your mobile phone.”
Ned shuddered inwardly. “There’s buggar all wrong with it.” he muttered as he walked over to table 21.
In the garage, a certain cybernetic bunny rabbit was dismembering Neds phone. He tinkered about with a set of jewlers screwdrivers and as he did so, he reflected upon the microwave he had recently fixed. “I wonder if the’ve noticed yet?” he asked himself out loud.
“AAAAGGHHH MY FUCKIN MOUTH!!!” yelled Mr Snortflorge as a burst of flame jetted out from between his lips. Fauna vaulted over the bar holding a soda syphon. As she sprayed the patrons mouth to put out the flames.
Ned piled over. “What the fuck happened?”
Fauna knelt down to examine Mr Snortflorge. Before she began to resusitate the man, she casually informed Ned: “It’s another example of Binkles repair skills on the microwave.”
Ned stood up and scratched the side of his head. “I wonder what else he’s had his paws on?” he pondered before calling an ambulance.
Binkle swore as he struggled with a particularly tight screw on Neds cellphone internals. “I wonder if they’ve discovered the tv’s working again?” he mused.
Fauna had just got Binkles first victim breathing again when a scream errupted from the games room. Well to be more precise, screams errupted. As Ned pelted across to the entrance, he was met by several people trying to find their way out, clutching at their eyes as they did so. Upon closer examination, he discovered that they all had dark circles around the eye sockets. Casting a glance over to the tv, he noticed the screen was very bright. Not as bright as it had been thirty seconds earlier; however, when Binkles repair had given the entire room full a terrible dose of radiation burns. “Bloody hell!” Ned shouted.
Fauna took in the situation at once. “Shit! I hope he hasn’t fixed anything else!” she yelled. Then added (quite unnecessarily because it happens in every episode) “I’ll kill the bastard!”
Binkle emptied the pcb board out onto his little bench and got to work. “Ned’ll thank me for this. He’ll be so pleased.” he whispered under his breath. “I wonder if they’ve discovered the leaking tap doesn’t leak any more?”
Fauna and Ned managed to get all the injured customers into the kitchen where they were hoping to bathe their eyes with cold water. Fauna rushed over to the cold water tap and tried to turn it on. At first she applied nominal strength. Then she gripped the top until her eyes were bulging out of her head. Bearing in mind that elves were at least three times as strong as your average human, this was no mean feat. “Gnnnnarrrrgh! I can’t fucking shift this……neeeeeyaaargh!” There was a kind of sickening grinding noise rather like that of a shipwreck being disturbed. Then a fountain of mains pressure water blew Fauna across the room and a fountain punched a hole in the kitchen ceiling. To make things worse (for a certain bunny rabbit) Fauna had recieved the taps screw straight in her right eye and it was going to be a shiner.
Binkle was busy with the soldering iron, deftly replacing components with newer bigger ones. “I wonder if they’ve found out I’ve fixed the freezer yet?” He smiled at the thought of all the praise he was going to receive. He would receive something alright, but it wasn’t going to be praise.
Fauna staggered to the freezer.
Ned shouted across: “Fauna! Are you alright?!” Reaching for a bag of frozen peas, Fauna replied: “I’m fine Patrick.” and then plonked a freezing cold bag onto her knackered eye socket. She closed the fridge door and tried to change hands on the bag she held. She couldn’t let go. She put her free hand on the bag but found she couldn’t take it off again. “Paul help me with this octopuss.” Fauna wasn’t really concussed much. Ned copped hold of the bag with both hands. Then he found he couldn’t let go either. “What the fuck has that rabbit been doing with his bastard screwdrivers?!” Fauna was begining to get irritated. “Look Steve just pull!” Ned pulled, Fauna screamed, Fauna kicked Ned in his wedding tackle, Ned stopped pulling.
Binkle sighed in satisfaction as he slid the main unit back into the mobile phone casing. “I wonder what they’ll say when they discover the gas cooker is working better than ever?” he whispered.
“I’ve got an idea.” Ned gasped from the pain that still lingered in his private parts. He edged himself and Fauna towards the gas cooker. He slowly worked the knob for the nearest jet using his elbow. He was in serious pain now due to the super sub zero temperature of the frozen peas and it seemed to be taking forever to work the cooker controls in this way. Then he heard the satisfying hiss from the gas jet. He smiled to himself as he listened for the automatic ignition system to switch in. It made the slightest, tiniest click. Then they may as well have been standing in the center of an oil well. You know. The bit where they burn off the excess gas. “Fuck me stiff!!” yelled Ned in surprise.
Binkle screwed the back of the cellphone into place and pondered: “I wonder if they’ve tested the fire alarm system I installed yet?”
It was awful. 130 decibels of sound bellowed out from every loud speaker in the building and there were at least twenty in all. People covered their ears and ran for the doors, blood trickling through their fingers.
In the kitchen Ned and Fauna, though somewhat charred, were now seperated. However, Fauna having ever so much more sensitive ears than those of her human counterparts, had passed out on the floor. Ned reached over to pick her up when the kitchen door burst open. Sillouetted against the hallway light stood a huge fireman.
“Don’t worry people! I’m here now!”
Ned suddenly remembered something and everything seemed to slow down as he yelled: “Nooooooo!”
The man in the doorway unleashed the fire extinguisher he had pulled from the kitchen wall.
Binkle slipped the phone back into its leather case and smiled at the memory of the fire extinguishers he had recently serviced.
Ned found himself blasted across the room and the impact slammed all the breath from his body. Fauna landed upside down in a bin, legs kicking frantically in the air. “Oh rabbit you are so dead.” thought Ned through the cloud of pain.
As Binkle clipped the phone ariel back onto the phone casing, the first ambulance team were just driving off the car park. Binkle walked up to the garage door just as Ned burst through them looking like a casualty of war. He had been burnt by both hot and cold temperatures and he had just recieved light fractures all over his body due to the impact of the fire extinguisher.
Binkle made matters much better by asking: “What the fuck happened to you?”
Ned shut him right up with a look. “Just give me my fucking mobile you mechanised tit! I’ll deal with you later!” He snatched the phone off Binkle and dialled the well used number for the hospital. I’m not saying that Ned was always ringing it, but he didn’t even have to look the ten digit number up. There was a brief moment while the phone charged up to make the distance to the network exchange. Then the air turned electric around Neds head, small lines of static electricity could be seen making the hippie look like a novelty Medusa. “NYYYAAAAGGGHHH FFFUUCCKK!!” he mentioned in passing as he foolishly staggered over to a metal bench and touched it.
There was the terrible smell of ozone and burning flesh. Not as terrible as the exploding cellphone and the eight foot flight across the garage however. As he slid down the rear garage wall, Ned muttered a brief: “Oh for fucks sake.” and then passed out.
Binkle was a bit narked. “Well I work my fingers to the bone making your phone work better and thats how you treat it. You ungrateful tosser!” he said and then kicked Neds inert body.
One Month Later
“Oh come on! There’s no need for this!” screamed Binkle as he swung in a metal webbing above a family sized inflateable paddling pool. Bare wires trailed from the pool to a generator. Over the controls to this generator cackled a psychotic Ned.
“Bunny die! Bunny going die!” he chittered insanely.
People were lining up in front of Fauna who was busy taking money off punters for the “Dunk A Bunny Day” and funnily enough everyone who was involved in “Black Saturday” as it had become known. This included the emergency services, the insurance company (who had seriously considered hiring a hit man for the rabbit because it would be cheaper than future claims), the punters who for the most part wore hearing aids and dark sunglasses, and the phone company who were still rebuilding their network after Neds phone had sent an electrical “Tsunami” across the airwaves and blown fifty masts sky high across the entire country.
At the front of the queue was the man who had first tasted the food from Binkles repaired microwave. He still couldn’t speak properly now and the surgeons said it could be months. Each dunk was worth £10 and this man held a £50 note in his hand.
Binkle gazed in despair at all the people (roughly about 100) and shuddered.
Fauna smiled and gave the man the release mechanism for the crane. Binkle just had time to utter “Oh fuck!” before electric current buzzed through his body.
Four hours later, the Cummy Todge was £4000 richer and they didn’t have to have any lights on in the lounge for a week. They made Binkle stand in the middle of the room and glow.
Ned was playing cards with Bingy Badger. “Hoy rabbit! A little bit more to the right!” Binkle glared at them, still smoking slightly from his ordeal. “Naargh fack arrf!” he replied.
Binkle Bunny is Copyright of A.R.A. Owen
Reproduced with permission by TheWeirdcrap.com (Originally posted on 07/15/2001)