So I was hanging out with Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible last Wednesday on the dark side of Uranus (not the planet Uranus in earth’s solar system, the Uranus in your butt. I’ll bet you didn’t even know your butt had a Uranus. There are a lot of things you don’t know about your butt), when he said the damndest thing to me.
“Wielki Kutas,” he said (he calls me Wielki Kutas), “just how long do you plan on keeping this shit up anyways?”
“Oh I don’t know,” I told him. “I’ve got enough unpublished pieces posted that Bob could keep this column going for at least three or four more months without my having to lift a finger. That’s pretty much the way it works now by the way. He just goes in and picks something out to publish each week. Every now and then I write something new just to help stretch it out.”
“But what has that Malutki (Malutki is what Schmelnoz calls Bob) ever done for you besides sponge off your enormous talents just get his pitiful little website 10-20 more precious hits every week?”
“Well…” I said, racking my brain trying to come up with something. “He’s entertaining. You’ve got to give him that.”
“He is entertaining,” Schmelnoz admitted. “He doesn’t even know that he’s the star of his own reality show on 17 different planets.”
“I thought it was 15,” I said.
“Two more worlds just picked him up.”
“See?” I said.
“No I do not,” Schmelnoz replied. “If you just wanted to be entertained by him you could just pirate the TV show.”
“Well, I kind of feel sorry for the little fella,” I said. “And with the Chick Shit situation being the way it is I don’t just want to up and leave him high and dry.”
“The situation that he created,” Schmelnoz pointed out.
“Yeah, I know,” I replied. “But he just can’t help screwing things up all the time. He’s not the brightest bulb in the box you know.”
“Oh I know,” said Schmelnoz.
“Besides,” I said, “whenever I was in The Future I had already been writing this column for over 20 years. So I can’t just exactly stop now, can I?”
“That was like three or four alternate universes ago,” Schmelnoz said.
And then he said, “You do realize this is all a dream.”
I thought about it for a second and decided he was undoubtedly right.
For one thing, there is no Uranus in your butt. Your butt IS your anus.
And for another thing Schmelnoz would never talk the way he had been in this story. It was entirely too comprehensible.
“So I guess the only thing for me to do now is to wake up,” I said.
“Yep,” he said.
“Yep,” I said.
“Yep,” he said.
“Yep,” I said.
“Yep,” he said.
“Yep,” I said.
“Yep,” we both said at the same time.
“Nope,” Freddy Krueger said.
THE END
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