This column by Spamrider was so well done, we thought we’d go ahead and feature it again in hopes that someone responds.
-Bob
So you’ve probably heard about the Chick Shit situation by now.
We have nobody to write it.
Bob has now driven off every woman who was ever associated with this website.
Actually I just made that up, because it’s fun to make fun of Bob and making fun of Bob is one of the things we do around here. But the truth is that I finally convinced Bob that he couldn’t just keep writing Chick Shit for Chic Chicks pretending to be a chick. Why? Because he’s not a woman.
Actually, for all I know he could be a woman and he just hides it really really well.
But that’s neither here nor there.
The point is, that sort of thing just isn’t done these days.
You can’t have white guys playing black guys or italians or jews or italian jews playing native americans, and you can’t have women pretending to be men or men pretending to be women and they can all just forget about ever trying to use the restroom.
You also can’t have tall people pretending to be midgets.
Hell, you can’t even say “midget” anymore.
So a male midget writing a women’s-themed column pretending to be a woman, and not even a midget woman at that, is just RIGHT out.
And besides that, it’s just not right. Not when there are actual funny and talented writers who are out there and who are also women and not midgets. Or are midgets. Their midgetude doesn’t even matter just so long as they’re not trying to pretend they’re something they’re not.
Because the days of people trying to pretend they are something they are not are done and over. Even if it’s all in fun and everybody is in on it. Because people like Bob just had to go and ruin it for everyone.
Anyway, we seriously need a strong woman presence around this website to keep us menfolk in line and to put us in our place. And to attract some actual female readers, or even just some more readers in general, because as you can see from the numbers that Bob so proudly posts, these columns ain’t exactly breaking the internet.
But like I always tell Bob, it’s the quality of the readers that matters and not the quantity. Unless the quantity is zero I guess. At that point you’ve seriously got to ask yourself what the hell you’re even doing anyway.
But we’ve got many times zero readers around here.
(That was a joke you see because anything times zero is still zero.)
So if you’re an intelligent and funny female writer with an unconventional sense of humor like the one you would have to have to still be reading this stupid column, then I am talking to you.
Like the rest of us weirdos here at The Weird Crap you probably feel a bit underappreciated sometimes. Probably even moreso because you are a woman, and women catch even more shit for being weird than guys do, and we still catch plenty. So think of this as your chance to maybe be appreciated just a little bit more than you are right now. The numbers aren’t going to make you feel like some viral badass, but if you were some viral badass then you probably wouldn’t want to be associated with a website like theweirdcrap.com anyways, now would you?
(I would, but I’m especially weird. And especially a badass.)
Anyway, on the off chance that any of the more than I can count on my fingers but less than I can count on my fingers and my toes people who regularly read my column is a woman, then please consider Bob’s offer to take over Chick Shit for Chic Chicks.
Because an opportunity like this doesn’t come around every day you know.
Actually, I couldn’t even write that last sentence without laughing.
But I am being serious. And sincere.
And while I am being serious and sincere, I would also like to apologize to any dwarves out there reading this. I know you’re not called midgets anymore. I was just purposefully being a flippant asshole. Not to insult you, but to insult real flippant assholes who think that labels like “midget” or “woman” can actually define a person and that you should think of or treat people any differently because of things like their size or their gender or the color of their skin. Or at least to insult their sort of thinking.
You can’t really be funny like that in too many places anymore because the whole damn county has gone batshit crazy and started taking itself way too seriously and it’s all too easy to get yourself crucified by the very same people who profess to actually believe the same things you do but have somehow become rabidly intolerant of the expression of anything they consider to be a dissenting opinion, even if it’s only satire and you’re actually on the same side that they profess to be.
And that’s something else that makes this website special, and hopefully attractive to the right female person who has always wanted to write her own internet column lampooning women’s issues.
You know who you are.
At least I hope you do.
Because if you don’t then I guess we’re back to Bob sitting behind a keyboard in his little booster seat wearing a wig and stilettos.
If this column has inspired you to be a part of this no-pay gig, drop me an email and the job is yours! -Bob again
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A new Chick Shit column every Wednesday!
(Except for next Wednesday…I think you know why!)
