Since I haven’t written anything live in awhile I figured I’d better throw in a new column for this week because if I don’t do that every once in awhile then Bob is going to run out of material and then my column will be just like Chick Shit and now apparently also Lunatic Ravings…kaput.
I don’t even know what the hell to write about anymore. I’ve already said it all and done it twice, so sometimes it’s hard to keep on wanting to even go on. The truth is I need to go out and have some new adventures.
Now you may be asking yourself, if this guy is a time traveler, supposedly, then why doesn’t he just pop off sometime and have some adventures and then pop back just in time to write his column?
Well Mr. Smart Guy, for one thing you don’t “pop”.
You jump.
And for another thing I haven’t been able to jump ever since the last time breech. And yes I mean “breech,” as in baby.
I don’t know what’s going on. And I haven’t seen or been able to contact my friend Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible to ask him what’s going on either.
In other words, I’m grounded.
Just like the rest of you schmucks.
So now I have to live a normal boring regular ass life and go to work to pay the bills which never stop coming until you die or pop off into another timeline.
(When jumping timelines you do actually “pop”.)
So unless there is another time breech I am just going to end up dying like this. Dying in this terrible bizarro shitty ass timeline where all the hell we’ve all been bringing upon ourselves since time immemorial is finally coming home to roost. Like chickens. Wouldn’t want to mix my metaphors there. Or my similes.
And I’ve got to tell you the longer I am stuck in this timeline the better that option gets to looking.
Schmelnoz once told me on his world they believe that when you die you are transformed into a fart passing out of someone’s arse.
But I’m pretty sure he was just shitting me.
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