A Balloon Animal With Pizza Feet

I had a headache the size of Mount Rushmore. What made it all the more worser was the fact that my head was smaller than usual that day.

I don’t know how it happens-sometimes I fall asleep in front of the open window and the cool winter breeze gradually shrinks my head while I am sleeping. It isn’t all at once, though. I think it happens gradually over a period of a couple of days. I think it takes several successive days of cool air to do its dastardly deed. I think that is how it happens, but that’s just the thing…It is harder to think when my head is smaller.

That’s how it gets ya. I don’t notice it until people start calling me pinhead. That, and when my hat touches my shoulders makes me start thinking that it’s not that the world is getting bigger, but it is my head getting smaller again. Sure I sprinkle alum on my breakfast cereal just like the average Joe. But I’m not ready to give it up. Besides, I know lots of people who have eaten alum every day for years and years and their heads are just fine.

But that is beside the point. My brain isn’t shrinking at the same rate. The metabolic activity of my brain, which has the highest metabolic rate of all of my organs, produces copious amounts of heat, keeping the effects of the cold wind from shrinking it as fast as my skull. That’s where the problem is. The solution, of course, is a tried and true method developed before Mesopotamia was established as a civilization.

My grandmother told me about it. She called it “treponig”. That’s the wrong way to say it, though. She said it that way because she didn’t have any teeth or a nose. They shot it off when she was in a gang initiation. The real way to say it is “trephoning”, not the stupid wrong way that she used to say it before she was paralyzed. Well, anyway, to get rid of a headache when you don’t have aspirin or your religion forbids you to use pork products (aspirin, or acetylsalicilic acid, is made from the byproducts of partially defatted cooked pork fatty tissue, and sand, which gives it its color and flavor) you can use the little known method of trephoning.

The aspirin companies don’t want you to know about this powerful technique for obvious monetary reasons, so they keep it under wraps. The way you do it is when a person has a splitting headache and the option of aspirin is not available (or sometimes just because you are angry at the aspirin companies for the cover-up) you take a small chisel and a hard rubber mallet and you make a hole in the poor afflicted person’s skull. The hole shouldn’t be too big. Not so big that their brain can fall out when they are on a roller coaster or go flinging across the room when they say “no”. Make it about the size of a silver dollar (smaller, if their brain is already the size of a silver dollar- a cat scan is helpful if you suspect this. Home cat scan kits are available. Many convert the microwave oven you already have to save money). That should relieve the pressure, which is what a headache is, when the size of the brain increases relative the capacity of the skull. If you are conservative with the size of the holes, you can add more holes later as needed. When I was growing up we used to trephon whoever needed it in the family. It was a great bonding experience and relieved many a headache of my grandmother before she became unexpectedly paralyzed for no reason at all.

I learned to do it to myself when I was 12. I did it in secret in the bathroom when I was pretending to take a shower.


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2 thoughts on “A Balloon Animal With Pizza Feet

  1. I just thought I’d mention that when this very silly person submitted this story several years ago to the now non-existing “Alarmingly Strange Stories”, he sent the following replies:
    My pen name is Paper Mate. Why do you want the name of my pen, anyway?
    My name is Nom de Plume, which is French for Notadamsandler. Don’t be fooled by the translation, though. All of the letters are silent.

    Just thought this help explains the nature of this one page short…

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