Jacked-Up Jokes

Jacked-Up Jokes

Here are the latest 20 jacked-up jokes we found on the web. We’re not a glutton for quantity, we just post stuff that seems funny and skip all the rest. Stop by this page once a week or so to see what’s new.

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Meanwhile Back at the Ranch…

Blaspheming Parrots…

December 11, 2021

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired. They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying…that phrase…in no time.” “Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.” The next day, she brought her female parrots to the rectory. As the priest ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hoo*kers! Do you want to have some fun?” There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, put your rosary beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered. Source: Funnies That Make You Laugh

A Cougar Went Into a Bar…

December 11, 2021

A couger went into a bar in Austin Tx and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table, he had the biggest boots she had ever seen. The older lady asked the man ” is it true what they say that men with big feet are well endowed?”. The man grinned and said, “Sure is little lady why don’t you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?”. The lady considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him $100 bill. Blushing he said, “Well thank you I’m really flattered…no one has ever paid me for my ‘services ‘before!”. “Don’t be flattered “she replied” Take the money and buy yourself boots that fit “. Source: facebook.com/groups/laughoftheday1

That Darn Fairy…

October 28, 2021

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary marriedcouple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’ The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’ The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’ The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.! So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!… The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female… Source: Facebook – Laugh With The Ladies

Lost And Found…

October 18, 2021

I lost my watch at a club. I thought I’d never find it, but decided to try anyway.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it. The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this woman. When she made herself clear that she didn’t want “it,” he slapped her. That’s when I had to spring into action and knocked him out. Because you don’t hit a woman…not on my watch. Source: @foadhp

Thru Thick And Thin…

October 18, 2021

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears; “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck.” Source: facebook.com

Dating…

October 18, 2021

I’ve decided I’m no longer going to date people I work with. It’s not that I don’t believe in office romance, I’m just really tired of dating people with shitty jobs. -Jeremy Randall Johnston

A Story With A Moral

October 18, 2021

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?” 25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy. “Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eggs, but when they hatched we only got 8 chicks.” “And what was the moral of that story,” asked the teacher. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!” “Very good!” She responded, “who else would like to share their story?” This time she called on a girl in the front of the room. “We raise chickens too, but we raise them for their eggs,” said the girl. “One time we put our eggs in a basket in the back of our truck to take them to market, but on the way we hit a bump and the basket flew out and all the eggs broke.” “What was the moral there?” “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!” “Excellent,” said the teacher. “We have time for one more story- who would like to share?” This time she called on a boy in the back of the room. “Ok, Johnny- tell us your story.” “My dad told me a story about my aunt Becky, who was a pilot in Desert Storm. One day she was flying over enemy territory when her plane was shot down, and all she had in the plane was a bottle of whiskey, a machete, and a machine gun. So she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t go to waste and when she crash landed there were 100 enemy soldier waiting for her. So she killed 80 with the machine gun until she ran out of ammo, then she killed 10 with the machete till the blade broke off, then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands.” The teacher is absolutely appalled, but trying to maintain her composure she chokes out, “and w-what did your father tell you was the moral to that story?” “To stay the hell away from my aunt Becky when she’s been drinking!” Source: Facebook Group: Funnies That Makes You Laugh

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven…

September 22, 2021

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.” Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.” Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?” Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.” Forrest says, “Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” “Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!” The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but … you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer.” “How about the next one” says Saint Peter, “how many seconds in a year?” “Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest. “But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.” Astounded, Saint Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?” Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second….” “Hold it,” interrupts Saint Peter. “I see where you’re going with it.” “And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.I’ll give you credit for that one too.” “Let’s go on with the next and final question,” says Saint Peter, “Can you tell me God’s first name?” Forest says, “Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard.” “Howard?” asks Saint Peter. “What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?” Forest answers, “It’s in the prayer.” “The prayer?” asks Saint Peter, “Which prayer?” “The Lord’s Prayer,” responds Forest: “Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…” Source: Wesley Wildman’s Weird Wild World Wide Web Site More Jacked Up Jokes…

Lost My Girlfriend…

September 22, 2021

I lost my last girlfriend because I didn’t open the car door. I swam to the surface instead. More Jacked Up Jokes…

Deductive Reasoning…

September 22, 2021

Deductive reasoning is a lot simpler than many people realize. Just see if it isn’t: Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.”New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.”
Neighbor 1: “So what is it you do for a living?”New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.”Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”New Neighbor: “Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”Neighbor 1: “That is right.”New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.”Neighbor 1: “Right again.”New Neighbor: “Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.”Neighbor 1: “Correct.”New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.”Neighbor 1: “Yup.”
New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning.”Neighbor 1: “Cool.” Later that same day…Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.”Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job.”Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah what does he do?”
Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.”Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”Neighbor 2: “No.”Neighbor 1: “Then you must be gay!” Source: Wesley Wildman’s Weird Wild World Wide Web Site More Jacked Up Jokes…

I Asked My North Korean Friend…

September 22, 2021

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain. Source: bayArt.org More Jacked Up Jokes…

Old Man, A Doctor, And His Wife

September 22, 2021

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.” The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?” “What did he say? What’s he want?” His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear. Source: CoolFunnyJokes.com More Jacked Up Jokes

Drunk Driver

September 22, 2021

Police Officer: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Drunk Driver: Boobs! More Jacked Up Jokes…

my girlfriend asked me…

August 12, 2021

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’” – Jimmy Carr More Jacked Up Jokes…

How does Marjorie Greene get in the mood?

August 12, 2021

How does Marjorie Green get in the mood?Ten minutes of QAnon and chill, and she’s in the illuminaughty! More Jacked Up Jokes…

The Snake Bite…

August 12, 2021

Doctor: Can you describe the snake that bit you?Patient: Yes, it looked like an angry rope! More Jacked Up Jokes…

New Apple electric car…

August 12, 2021

When the new Apple electric car was taken on a test drive, it crashed.It didn’t have windows! More Jacked Up Jokes…

I bought some shoes

August 12, 2021

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day. More Jacked Up Jokes…

live-in nanny

August 12, 2021

“We’ve had to get a live-in nanny, that dead one wasn’t working out.”-Lee Mack More Jacked Up Jokes…

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer’s field…

August 12, 2021

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer’s fieldThey approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees. The male alien takes the farmer’s wife into the bard and drops his pants. He has a green penis that’s about an inch long erect and narrow like a pencil. The farmer’s wife giggles a little until the alien twists his left ear. His penis extends to 13 inches. The alien then twists his right ear and his penis thickens to the width of a Red Bull can. The next morning the aliens leave after breakfast and the husband asks his wife how it went. “Wonderful, I’m glad we agreed”, she replied. “How about you?” The farmer tells her that it seemed really strange and very different from human sex. “How so?”, asked the wife? “Well, all she did was play with my ears the whole time…” Source: UpJoke.com More Jacked Up Jokes…

To Short Attention Span Stuff…