Jacked-Up Jokes

Here are the latest 20 weird jokes we found on the web. We’re not a glutton for quantity, we just post stuff that makes us laugh. Stop by this page once a week or so to see what’s new.

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Meanwhile Back at the Ranch…

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven…

September 22, 2021

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.” Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.” Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?” Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.” Forrest says, “Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” “Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!” The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but … you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer.” “How about the next one” says Saint Peter, “how many seconds in a year?” “Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest. “But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.” Astounded, Saint Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?” Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second….” “Hold it,” interrupts Saint Peter. “I see where you’re going with it.” “And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.I’ll give you credit for that one too.” “Let’s go on with the next and final question,” says Saint Peter, “Can you tell me God’s first name?” Forest says, “Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard.” “Howard?” asks Saint Peter. “What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?” Forest answers, “It’s in the prayer.” “The prayer?” asks Saint Peter, “Which prayer?” “The Lord’s Prayer,” responds Forest: “Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…” Source: Wesley Wildman’s Weird Wild World Wide Web Site More Jacked Up Jokes…

Lost My Girlfriend…

September 22, 2021

I lost my last girlfriend because I didn’t open the car door. I swam to the surface instead. More Jacked Up Jokes…

Deductive Reasoning…

September 22, 2021

Deductive reasoning is a lot simpler than many people realize. Just see if it isn’t: Neighbor 1: “Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving.”New Neighbor: “Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly.”
Neighbor 1: “So what is it you do for a living?”New Neighbor: “I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning.”Neighbor 1: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”New Neighbor: “Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.”Neighbor 1: “That is right.”New Neighbor: “The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.”Neighbor 1: “Right again.”New Neighbor: “Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.”Neighbor 1: “Correct.”New Neighbor: “And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual.”Neighbor 1: “Yup.”
New Neighbor: “That is deductive reasoning.”Neighbor 1: “Cool.” Later that same day…Neighbor 1: “Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.”Neighbor 2: “Is he a nice guy?”Neighbor 1: “Yes, and he has an interesting job.”Neighbor 2: “Oh, yeah what does he do?”
Neighbor 1: “He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University.”Neighbor 2: “Deductive reasoning, what is that?”Neighbor 1: “Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?”Neighbor 2: “No.”Neighbor 1: “Then you must be gay!” Source: Wesley Wildman’s Weird Wild World Wide Web Site More Jacked Up Jokes…

I Asked My North Korean Friend…

September 22, 2021

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain. Source: bayArt.org More Jacked Up Jokes…

Old Man, A Doctor, And His Wife

September 22, 2021

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.” The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: “WHAT?” “What did he say? What’s he want?” His wife yells back, “He needs your underwear. Source: CoolFunnyJokes.com More Jacked Up Jokes

Drunk Driver

September 22, 2021

Police Officer: Anything you say can and will be held against you. Drunk Driver: Boobs! More Jacked Up Jokes…

my girlfriend asked me…

August 12, 2021

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’” – Jimmy Carr More Jacked Up Jokes…

How does Marjorie Greene get in the mood?

August 12, 2021

How does Marjorie Green get in the mood?Ten minutes of QAnon and chill, and she’s in the illuminaughty! More Jacked Up Jokes…

The Snake Bite…

August 12, 2021

Doctor: Can you describe the snake that bit you?Patient: Yes, it looked like an angry rope! More Jacked Up Jokes…

New Apple electric car…

August 12, 2021

When the new Apple electric car was taken on a test drive, it crashed.It didn’t have windows! More Jacked Up Jokes…

I bought some shoes

August 12, 2021

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day. More Jacked Up Jokes…

live-in nanny

August 12, 2021

“We’ve had to get a live-in nanny, that dead one wasn’t working out.”-Lee Mack More Jacked Up Jokes…

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer’s field…

August 12, 2021

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer’s fieldThey approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees. The male alien takes the farmer’s wife into the bard and drops his pants. He has a green penis that’s about an inch long erect and narrow like a pencil. The farmer’s wife giggles a little until the alien twists his left ear. His penis extends to 13 inches. The alien then twists his right ear and his penis thickens to the width of a Red Bull can. The next morning the aliens leave after breakfast and the husband asks his wife how it went. “Wonderful, I’m glad we agreed”, she replied. “How about you?” The farmer tells her that it seemed really strange and very different from human sex. “How so?”, asked the wife? “Well, all she did was play with my ears the whole time…” Source: UpJoke.com More Jacked Up Jokes…

A statue of a man and a woman…

August 12, 2021

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park.One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes.Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from there. After a while they came back out, giggling.The wizard told them “You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go.”The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered, “Fine, but this time you hold the pigeon and I will shit on it.” Source: UpJoke.com More Jacked Up Jokes…

A woman goes to the doctor

August 12, 2021

A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at.The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”Confused, the girl asks, “Why do ask?”The doc chuckles, “I’m not just a doctor, I’m also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It’s mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin.””Not bad doc!” she says. “Not bad at all!””Well…” says the doctor. “Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?”She smiles and explains, “Nope, but I’ve got a girlfriend from Michigan!” Source: UpJoke.com More Jacked Up Jokes…

Three conspiracy theorists

August 12, 2021

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a barYou can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence. Source: jokes.lol More Jacked Up Jokes…

A very religious man went on a safari

August 12, 2021

A very religious man went on a safari.When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn’t have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed “Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings”. That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion’s heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed “Thank you Lord for this meal I’m about to receive.” Source: jojojokes.com More Jacked Up Jokes…

A man walks in a…

July 27, 2021

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:Hamburger – 2.99Cheeseburger – 3.99Chicken Sandwich – 4.99Hand Jobs – 19.99The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” The bartender blushes slightly and says “Yes, I am” with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says “Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger.” Source: Cavemancircus.com More Jacked Up Jokes…

Karl Marx

July 27, 2021

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one mentions his sister. Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol. Source: leslists.net More Jacked Up Jokes…

Jaws

July 25, 2021

If you watch the film Jaws backwards it’s actually a heartwarming story about a shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people Source: funnyshortjokes.com More Jacked-Up Jokes…