Jacked-Up Jokes

Here are the latest 20 weird jokes we found on the web. We’re not a glutton for quantity, we just post stuff that makes us laugh. Stop by this page once a week or so to see what’s new.

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Meanwhile Back at the Ranch…

Emergency!

June 16, 2021

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing, so his friend calls 911.‘My friend is dead! What should I do?”The operator replies, “Calm down, sir, first make sure that he’s really dead.” There’s a silence, then a loud bang.Back on the phone, the guy says, “Ok, now what?” More Jacked-Up Jokes…

War…

June 14, 2021

Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies. More Jacked-Up Jokes… Source: BestLifeOnline.com

Titanic….

June 14, 2021

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people. More Jacked-Up Jokes… Source: BestLifeOnline.com

Bible verses…

June 14, 2021

And the Lord said unto John, come forth and you will have eternal life.But John came fifth and got a toaster. More Jacked-Up Jokes…

A family of moles…

June 12, 2021

A family of moles awakens from hibernation.The father mole pokes his head out of the hole and says “I smell tulips it must be spring”.The mother mole pokes her head out of the hole and says ” I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring”.The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but gets stuck and says “all I smell is molasses” Source: JokoJokes.com

Sweet Air…

June 12, 2021

My local gas station started charging to put air in your tires. That’s inflation for ya’.

Awkward…

June 12, 2021

You know your in an awkward relationship when you squeeze her hand and still wonder….. Where’s the rest of the body?

COVID Test

June 6, 2021

1. Pour a glass of wine2. If you can smell it you don’t have Covid3. If you can taste it you don’t have Covid Repeat 15 times just be to sure. Source: FunnyShortJokes.com More Jacked-Up Jokes…

Girlfriends Dog

June 6, 2021

My girlfriend’s dog died recently so I decided to get her an identical one. She was really angry, she said “what am I gonna do with 2 dead dogs?” Source: FunnyShortJokes.com More Jacked-Up Jokes…

Ready for School

June 6, 2021

My wife told me to get our son ready for his first day at school. So I punched him in the face and stole his lunch money. Source: FunnyShortJokes.com More Jacked-Up Jokes….

Sad Coffee

June 6, 2021

Q. Why was the coffee sad? A. Because it was depresso Source: FunnyShortJokes.com To Jacked up Jokes…

Breakfast

May 27, 2021

A 7 year-old and a 4 year-old are in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 7 year-old, “I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you.” “Okay,” replies the 4 year-old. In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, “I’ll have Coco Pops, bitch.” *WHACK* He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out. The mother looks at the 4 year-old & sternly asks, “And what do you want?” “Dunno,” he replies, “But it won’t be fucking Coco Pops.” Source: LaughFactory.com

Coffee Break

May 27, 2021

What kind of work-break does a termite take? A coffee table brake. (my eight-year-old nephew told me that one…)

Stick ‘em Up!

May 27, 2021

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'”…… The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

Just Married

May 27, 2021

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'” and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple. “OH, COME ON!,” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?” Source: LaughFactory.com

Proud light-colored-hair Female

May 27, 2021

Why was the blonde so proud? She finished the puzzle in six months…… The box said 2 to 4 years.

Desperately Seeking Advice

May 23, 2021

Q: What’s the quickest way to a mans heart?A: Thru the chest with a sharp knife! Source: Jokesoftheday.net

Lost

May 23, 2021

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” The policeman said, “What’s he like?” Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!” Source: http://www.jokesoftheday.net

Toaster

May 23, 2021

Just found out my toaster isn’t waterproof. …….. I was shocked.

Donkey

May 23, 2021

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? ……… Wonkey