by Colin Blalock
If you died, and after you were already dead someone said, “excuse me sir/ma’am, you’re dead”, what would be the first thing that came to mind that you wish you had done before you died? Me, I wish I had sailed around the world. It sounds far fetched, but I wanted nothing more then the peace and luxury of feeling the salty breeze in my hair, and seeing endless ocean stretching beyond the horizon. That’s the first thing that came to my mind. I wish I could have sailed around the world before I died, but I didn’t. I didn’t have the time.
The second thing I thought about was a beer milkshake. When I was younger I read Cannery Row by John Steinbeck, and I remember a man drinking a beer milkshake, which he had never drank before, but always wanted. I realized I wanted one too. I wish I could have sailed around the world and drank a beer milkshake before I died, but I didn’t. I didn’t have the time.
I never knew I was going to die before my thirtieth birthday. If I had known that I would have done a lot more with my life then study. As far back as I can remember I had been top of my class. I had no time for friends or games, my hobby been studying. I wanted to be the best. I know now my goal wasn’t knowledge, but power. I wanted to be smart, rich and powerful. I never knew what a happy life was, because I spent all my time believing I was happy, and would be happier when I was rich. Does money bring happiness? That’s up to the eye of the beholder. Rich kids say yes, everyone else knows the truth.
I was swept off my feet by the biggest feeling of regret. My life was over, and I had done nothing admirable in it. Nothing truly good had come out of my time; I kept to myself with an inner greed that drove everyone away from me. I was never mean to anyone; I just shut them all out of my life. I never took weekend trips or had a girlfriend or even a best friend, I found escape in books. All my dreams came from tales I read when I wasn’t studying. Everything I wanted to do I had mapped out for when I was rich and successful. Never once did I think I would die young.
I see now all the mistakes I made in my life. My earliest memory is from when I was around three or four years old. The picture is foggy, but I’m at a day care center while my parents are at work. I don’t socialize with my peers because I find no reason to run around and roll on the ground, it seems so immature. Sharing toys and having to fight over them seemed to be the last thing I wanted. I was a voluntary social outcast. I see now that my real reason for not playing was because I was afraid to go over and talk with them. I was always somewhat of a recluse, even at such a young age I was too afraid to talk to people I was around everyday. As I grew older I became more comfortable with my surroundings, but still choose to be alone, I found my escape in reading.
When I was young I decided I wanted to read all the books and take all the classes schools offered to become the smartest man in the world. Since I didn’t have any friends I decided I would fill my time with text books. I wouldn’t have time for any friends. This naturally cancelled out any loneliness I could have had. I never realized everything I was missing out on in my youth and young adult years. When all of my peers were out going on dates, going to parties and social events, I was in my room studying. My parents never forced me to do anything different, they found it fine that I studied; they said I was going to grow up to be a well rounded person. As it turns out my life was not well rounded at all, my life was a photograph that could be described in well under one thousand words. I don’t regret missing out on social events, they never interested me, and I just never experienced the things I really wanted.
My everyday life was all part of my plan. My plan, in summary, was for all of my hard work to pay off with a high salary job in a high place in corporate America where I would be rich respected, and with both of those I’d be happy. My life plan had at least fifteen more years before I could start enjoying myself. My plan had been built brick by brick my whole life, and when those bricks formed a towering wall, it was destroyed by a car full of drunk drivers. I never stopped to think that at any moment my life could have ended, and it did.
One thing I’ve learned since my death, which I wish I’d known when I was alive, is that you can’t hang on to what was. I’ve been given a second chance. I no longer feel regret, I no longer feel sorrow, or miss loved ones from my life. The things I missed out on in life I can do here. I feel alive like I’ve never felt before.
I find this new place I come to after death to be very strange. There are no lines to wait in, arguments to have, no traffic to sit in. a smile rests on every face, and everyone tips their hat and says “good day sir” or “nice to see you”. The welcoming warmth from each stranger makes no man or woman alone here. I’m comforted by this new place, I sit in cafes with no windows, and every block is on beach front. Golden horizons and puffy clouds fill the skies. Every door is open, everyone is welcome. I sit here on a barstool writing this, drinking a beer milkshake, getting ready to board my ship and sail around the world.
I’ve never been more alive.
The End
Originally posted 03/22/2005
