Journal of a Foolish Thief

Jonathan "DreamDecay" Soule

  • 2 Pages

I consider myself a professional.

I view myself as one of the greatest thieves of all time, since I was a little kid. I can’t help but reminisce about when I was 8 years old, the time I snuck into my neighbor’s house by cover of darkness and stole their cat, just so people would call me a cat burglar.

I still don’t understand what that means exactly, but it’s so romantic and glorified. Since then I have performed some of the most daring robberies of anybody in my neighborhood and I’m sure that everyone fears me. I’ve accomplished so much… stealing jewels, wigs, paintings… the only challenge left for me is the venerable fortress at the center of American capitalism: Fort Knox.

Later tonight… by cover of darkness as always… I will infiltrate the building and leave with large quantities of gold, leaving the authorities baffled. They’ll never even know what hit them.

I can see it now: I’ll put on my special cat-burglar cape, which is long and black and looks really neat, and pack up my supplies into a pack I can sling over my shoulder. Then it’ll be off to my adventure. This robbery will be an epic endeavor; it’s sure to make the papers. I’m going to include all of my standard stuff… paperclips in case I run into locks, a crowbar in case I run into really well made locks, small bells that I can throw to distract people and make them run in a direction away from me, Lysol spray to get rid of fingerprints… and I’ll be set.

I’ve researched the building: I read up on it a little and closely watched how they did the Fort Knox robbery in “Die Hard with a Vengeance”. And most importantly, I got some inside tips on special anti-theft devices that they use.

A robbery is like a game of Stratego, and if you know where the bombs (and those annoying 2s that only the 1 can kill), are before the game starts, it’s hard to lose. So I talked to my friend Jekk.

Jekk is a guy with only a few teeth who hangs around outside the Laundromat. I first talked to him about two years ago, while I was waiting for my clothes to get done washing. I remember asking him what he thought about cat burglary and having to go through a heated discussion in which I explained I had poorly phrased my interests and wasn’t associated with the police. He took an interest in my question anyway, or at least I think he did… Although it’s hard to understand what Jekk says when he talks.

He’s always been willing to give me tips on security tricks and secrets as long as I give him a few bucks first.

So a few nights ago I gave Jekk two dollars and asked if he had any tips on Fort Knox. Jekk looked upwards and thought hard, and at first just said things like “Huh. Mmm…” Once he got going, though, he talked rather excitedly. He ended up recalling that Fort Knox has a unique anti-theft system and that it is the pinnacle of defenses: very effective and very hazardous. You see, when I go to steal the gold, I’ll first have to walk through the external hallways, which are made from sheet metal and cooled through barely visible ducts.

The trick is, inside the air conditioning system is a hive full of killer bees, and somehow the security system knows to release the bees through the cooling ducts when someone unauthorized enters the room (it probably involves pressure-sensitive plates in the ground.) The bees supposedly know how to work as an organized group and desire nothing except to brutally sting people to death.

Knowing this ahead of time may just save my life. I’m glad I can count on Jekk to keep me informed and to filter rumors out from facts when he hears new buzzes from the streets.

Anyway, I’m set to take care of all basic security systems and I’ll be specially prepared to deal with the new challenge awaiting me. I built a bee-proof suit. I built it from blankets, old clothes, a fishing net, and many other odds and ends, and there isn’t even a crack that the bees could get through. The masky-helmety thing is even more impressive. Over my face and head will be a helmet-mask made from a gas mask, goggles and a football helmet. It is especially secure since the bees (which are probably trained) would likely go for my face; it’s an obvious human weak point. Also, I will enter equipped with a super soaker filled with bug spray so that I can rain death on the killer bees during our upcoming epic battle for the gold that symbolizes capitalism in our country, the purest and thickest gold bars that can be found anywhere.

I can hardly wait until I hit that room, I can picture it right now: Passive defenses come on, the bees come pouring through tiny slits in the walls and I’m enveloped in the swarm. I whip out my anti-bee soaker and spray it back and forth, causing large groups of bees to fall to the ground, critically injured. They’ll be all over my suit, crawling around and looking for any place that they could crawl through and plant their stingers in my flesh.

They will not succeed.

And after all the bees are dead I would have to take on the queen herself. In my fantasy (soon to become reality), active security kicks in at that point and people coming running to the external entry halls while the queen bee blocks the door, glaring at me and growling. I grit my teeth and run towards it and just as it leaps out, ready to tear through my suit with its’ enlarged stinger, I dive to the side, swinging my arm in a wide arc and blasting the monster with my soaker of doom.

And while the queen convulses on the ground, I’ll point my gun at it and pause before firing to say something really clever, like “To bee or not to bee: That is the question.” Or perhaps more gangsterish: “You bee dead.”

After that it will be smooth sailing, all the way to the gold.

More Humor Stories…

Jonathan Soule

In 2003 Jonathan "DreamDecay" Soule had a website called "Art and Entropy". You can still see it here: http://web.archive.org/web/20040817035619/http://www.artandentropy.com/extra/FAQ2.htm#3d *** At that time he was pursuing an associates degree in web design and multimedia.

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