CEDK

Humor – 4 Pages –

“Anything?”

There was a pause as the technician checked the data board in front of him.

“There sir. Coming in from the West….”

The technician pointed out the large object glowing on his radar screen.

“Thank you Saunders” Milltown said studying the image.

He stroked his greying beard and looked out of the window of the control centre. It’s coming all right, he thought. But what was it?

“OK. Is everything in place?” An almost unnoticeable trickle of sweat ran down his temple.

“The Operation is ready to go Mr Milltown”

Jesus, this is it. The balloon really is gonna go up. Milltown knew his reputation was on the line with this. This was his idea. There was no going back now. He looked out of the window again. He couldn’t see anything against the clear Arizona night, but he knew he was minutes away from the culmination of his life’s work.

“Thank you Saunders. Please let everyone know we are now proceeding to phase 3.”

“Aye sir”

Milltown took one more look out to the west, over the mountains. Storm clouds were forming in the distance, their rising columns tinged with the red of the setting sun. Nice night for it, thought Milltown and took a deep breath. He then turned and walked out of the door into history. He hoped.

“ATTENTION PLEASE. WE ARE NOW MOVING TO PHASE 3. REPEAT. WE ARE NOW ENTERING PHASE 3.”

The announcement over the tannoy echoed across the vast plain that stretched all around Milltown. He stood on the steps of the control hut and surveyed the scene around him.

Immediately in front of him was a circular platform with radar dishes and monitoring equipment all designed to monitor the sky. Bodies moved about their various duties, checking this, double checking that, all consummate professionals, their one aim to make sure everything went off without a hitch.

Milltown silently thanked each and everyone for their dedication.

His eyes looked beyond the frantic activity.

Beyond that was the plain.

And it was vast. Mountains stood dark and silent on its distant edges, watching the events that were unfolding in their shadow. Events that would shape the way the world continued from here on in. He hoped. Again.

But it wasn’t the plain that held his gaze. It was the people who occupied it. Hundreds of them. Hundreds of thousands. All here for one reason. One purpose. It was breathtaking. They all stood there, some talking amongst themselves, some nervously clinging to each other, many just staring up at the sky. But all united in one common goal.

Milltown brushed another bead of sweat from his brow and looked at the mountains to the west again. The storm clouds were bigger now and more striking colours were evident in their strata. Colours that danced within them. Blues and greens and reds.

This was it.

He walked down the steps towards the circular platform. Speaking into his two way he asked, ” Report, Mr Saunders”

“Everything is going according to plan Mr Milltown. Objective is now 8.2 miles from Operation centre. Descending rapidly. ETA less than 4 minutes.”

“Thank you Mr Saunders.” Said Milltown.

He mounted the platform and took hold of the microphone waiting for him.

As he turned it on, there was a whine. A sudden silence overcame the assembled throng.

All or nothing. Milltown knew what he had to do.

“Ladies and gentlemen.” His voice echoed across the vast plain. Not a whisper could be heard.

“What will happen here tonight will decide the future of this planet. It is as simple as that.” He gestured over his shoulder at the cloud formations behind him that were becoming increasingly larger, light beams bouncing in their interior.

“They are coming. We all knew it would happen and we have prepared for it. You are all a part of this. Without you, this operation is nothing. And I thank you. Your dedication and unswerving loyalty to the future of this planet will forever be remembered.”

A huge clap of thunder crashed from the encroaching clouds.

“It begins” he said, as the whole crowd stared at the kaleidoscopic maelstrom descending on them.

Milltown lowered the mic and talked into his two way.

“Final phase please Saunders.”

The tannoy blared into life one last time as Operation Welcome Mat neared it’s conclusion.

“ATTENTION. FINAL PHASE WILL NOW COMMENCE. ASSUME ALL POSITIONS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. FINAL PHASE WILL NOW COMMENCE. OBJECTIVE LESS THAN TWO MINUTES FROM OPERATION CENTRE. FINAL PHASE ACTIVE NOW.”

Milltown watched as the control centre slowly lowered itself into the ground with a hiss of hydraulics. At the same time, the platform he was standing on jerked and then started to descend into the Arizona desert. Milltown said a silent prayer and knew now the planet’s fate was in the hands of others.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________


The giant spaceship roared from out of the clouds. Light beams danced around it, like sprites playing in the moonlight. Blue liked to skip. Green danced. Red liked to play hide and seek. With noise as its partner, it grumbled and tore. It screamed and it sighed.

The ship descended.

Down into the midst of this alien world.

With not a sound it landed.


Captain Donffy opened the door of the spaceship.

It was dark. The air was tinged with the odour of ozone. God that smelled good! He took a deep breath. He hadn’t smelled fresh air for, well, as long as he could remember.

He stepped out onto the alien world

And it coughed.

Donffy recoiled. That wasn’t right. He tried again. And it coughed again.

No no no! Donffy thought. He grabbed a flashlight and shone in through the door.

He almost dropped his flashlight. The only thing that kept him looking was the strange image in front of him. There were rows upon rows of them. Humans. And they seemed to be dead. All lying on their backs, legs in the air.

He found the flood lights for his ship (labelled BIG BASTARD LIGHTS) and turned them on.

All he could see for miles around were humans. The whole plain was full of dead humans . Millions upon millions of dead humans.

“Ah fuck!”

Donffy closed the door and stumbled back to his DST.

Being the last duck alive, he had kind of got used to failure.

Deep Sleep…..ah…

He knew that humans would eat just about anything. A whole planet of dead humans? Must be a no no.

Onward and upward.

With that Donffy ruffled his tail feathers and went back to sleep.


On a small planet in the middle of no where of importance, a human said:

“Up and at em guys! There you go!! Works everytime”

A huge cheer went up from the crowd as they watched the spaceship leave the ground and shoot into the sky.

Milltown breathed a sigh of relief. His reputation was safe. The planet was saved.

And 60 billion humans carried on about their business despite all the disruptions to their lives.


This goes hand in hand with this one: Adventures of a dead duck

More Humor Stories…

Steve Wilkins

Submitted a couple of shorts back in 2005. Clever concept. He had no publication or website to promote...just an idea for a short series published here.

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