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  • Maybe Why Nobody Wants To Talk To Us
    by Spamrider
    Our distrust of each other drives us to continually create bigger and better (aka more deadly) weaponry, which we have now begun expanding into space. Now imagine an advanced sentient life form observing our planet and seeing the insane measures that we have allowed ourselves to drive ourselves to. How is a lifeform that cannot even co-operate with itself supposed to co-operate with the rest of the universe?
  • The Journey To HR, Part 71!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Instead, she hit me over the head with the empty bottle. “OW!” I whelped. “Now what?” “Now we wait,” she said, walking by me and then throwing herself in a patch of pachysandra across from the house with the open garage. She hid really well. I then heard a voice. “Hide behind that sapling!” it commanded. I was suddenly scared. “W-who is t-t-t-t-t-hat?” I asked in a very scared voice. The HR lady stood up…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 41
    by Bob Senitram
    As we learned earlier, Cindy had her secrets, hidden knife panels, a stash of guns, years of training and planning. But Bob?Bob had secrets too. About eight years ago, while visiting his past self, he quietly set a few things in motion. Back then, he was managing the retirement accounts for the family’s company. The firm’s stock picks were doing surprisingly well, so well that Bob got an idea. A bad one. He “borrowed” a…
  • Free to Good Home…
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Free to good home. One slightly retarded 14 year old boy. Includes free arm splint & cast. My son got pissed and punched a steel light pole and broke his hand… Light pole – 1; Slomo – 0. So I haven’t had any time to get to my column this week. What with keeping myself from breaking his other hand, and sitting in the ER for 7 hours (oh yea, and they have the nerve…
  • Monsters
    by Spamrider
    When somebody takes off their mask and everybody can plainly see that they’re a monster, it shows you what the so-called people who still cheer for them really are behind their own masks.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 70!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I followed the Pinto limo. When it stopped at a red light, I ran into the back of it. Guess I wasn’t paying attention. The limo exploded. The light turned green and the burning remains of the limo took off. I sighed and followed again. A few hour later, we found ourselves in a place with houses. The limo stopped. I stopped. The HR lady got out of what was left of the limo. She…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 40
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob and Cindy headed home without incident.They parked a few houses down, close enough to keep eyes on the house, far enough to bolt if anything looked… suspicious. As they approached, Cindy noticed the garage door hanging open like a mouth mid-scream. “You left the garage open? Seriously?” “Didn’t think I’d be coming back,” Bob said in a who-cares tone. “Had a lot on my mind. The door didn’t make the list.” Cindy glanced sideways…
  • I Can’t Get My Head out of the toilet!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I came into work this morning and noticed that the toilet in the ladies room won’t stop flushing…it’s just flushing and flushing. I thought, seeing as it is about five feet from my office, that I could look at it as a kind of serenity fountain. You know the kind you can buy for about thirty dollars to clutter up your desk and breed larva after it annoys you and you yank the batteries out.…
  • The Song In Bob’s Head
    by Spamrider
  • The Journey To HR, Part 69!
    by Stephen Johnson
    A person stood above me. They were wearing chain mail. That’s why I heard chain mail.. “Say,” said the person in the chain mail. “Which way to the Renaissance Faire?” “Do you mean ‘Fair’”? I asked, still a bit groggy. “Nope, I mean what I said. Now, which way to the Faire?” they asked as they twirled a wooden sword above their head. “I have no idea,” I said and closed my eyes, ready to…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 39
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy woke up with a plan. Get to the house.Grab the passports.Pick up Nancy.Head to the airport. Simple. Clean. Only thing is, nothing is simple and clean when Bob’s involved. Bob groaned, one arm slung over his face. “Uuuuugh. I feel like I got run over by a truck.” “You say that every morning,” Cindy muttered, already sitting up and lacing up her shoes. “We need to get moving.” Bob blinked through a hangover haze.…
  • Dates = Hates:
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I got asked out a couple of weeks ago and I was a little excited until I remembered how all the other dates went. I must have short term memory loss because about every two months I forget and accept a date with some yutz that saw me in the elevator and thought I was cute (by the way, cute is man code word for “you got big boobs”). Anyway, the last date I went…
  • The AI “Revolution”
    by Spamrider
    A reader recently asked me about the future of AI. Now I have to be very careful here. Because if I spill the beans too much I could cause some serious trouble. In fact, America may now be speeding its way into a dystopian authoritarian nightmare because of things I have written on this website. But don’t blame me for that. Blame Bob. It’s his website. So in lieu of any specifics let me just…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 68!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The door to bar opened. In walked the HR lady. She was followed by five burly men. Star Child Two floated in. I hopped off the bar. The bartender put away the machete. Star Child Two flew down to the HR lady. He buzzed around her head for a few seconds. “Got it,” she said and pointed at me. “THAT ONE!” I tried to escape out the back door, but the guards caught up to…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 38
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy clutched her pearls as the street-pooper grabbed handfuls of peanuts and shoved them into his pockets. Actually, she didn’t have pearls, and her face displayed more disgust than shock. Then a confident and oddly dressed woman entered the bar. She didn’t hesitate. She moved with a fast, mechanical grace, her coat flared behind her as she walked, her boots clacking against the linoleum. She wasn’t tall, but the way people moved aside suggested she…
  • Blah, Blah…
    by Hooty McBoobs
    This is one of those weeks where I haven’t had time to think about what I want to write (YES! I do think about it!) So lets just babble on about some random things. I have been thinking about what I want for my birthday, it’s 9/11…. I know what you’re thinking, and it has been my birthday since the day I was born, the terrorist have nothing to do with me. So if your…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) (n):  A contrived disorder whose very name ironically and poignantly depicts the mindset of those who would espouse it.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 67!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I looked around for an avenue of escape as the ninjas closed in. In the distance I spotted what I was looking for. I ran. The ninjas followed. When I got close enough, I dove. I grabbed the still-flaming box. I threw it towards the ninjas. The box came apart midair and poo and flaming box remnants rained down on the ninjas. Some gagged. The others ran away. “Seriously?” one of the remaining ninjas asked,…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 37
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy slapped Bob’s hitchhiking thumb six times by the time they finally arrived at their destination: a half-lit strip club off West Dodge and the cinder block motel across the street that looked like it had barely survived three economic collapses. As they approached, Bob muttered, “Smells like cheap beer and worse decisions.” “Ah, nostalgia,” Cindy deadpanned. They paid the cover charge and wandered inside. The lighting was dim enough to make everyone look mysterious…
  • More of that President Crap!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I wish to make an addendum to last week’s column “Shit I will change when I am the President”: Majority Rules! This will be the motto of my office. I say this because if 80% of the population smokes, cigarettes that is, then smoking can not be banned; hence, Majority Rules! And the Non-smokers, who want to live forever, can stay home and take vitamins. In addition to Majority Rules, I will institute the “…
  • About 100 trillion neutrinos pass through your body each second.*
    by Spamrider
    That’s 100 trillion little sucker punches flying right through you faster than you can say “Mississippi”.  Too weak for you to even feel, relentlessly unrelenting, striking at every instant, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year; decade by decade. By the time you get old that’s a whole lot of little tiny bruises.  You start to get the neutrino fatigue. And…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 66!
    by Stephen Johnson
    After the sigh was done, I thought to myself. I poop a LOT. That’s what I thought. Then I remembered where I was. I watched the cop running towards the scofflaws. The little male lawbreaker was running around with his arms flailing above his head. The lady grabbed his arm, slapped him about the face a couple times and then said something to him. “I’m American!” he shouted and started running around in circles with…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 36
    by Bob Senitram
    “Say it again, mommy…” “I told you, I don’t…” Cindy stopped mid-sentence, lifting her head. She sniffed the air. “Did you fart?” “No! I thought you did,” Bob replied. Cindy sniffed again, frowning. “Smells like someone sharted.” Bob nodded.. “Sharted, then dropped a full load right in the middle of the road.” “Sharted, dropped a load, and didn’t even wipe,” Cindy added with a grin. They turned around. Sure enough, some guy was squatting by…
  • Shit I’ll Change When I’m President!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    So you voted for a boob last time. Next time, vote McBoobs for President! Never too early to start campaigning! I know that it seems like a long shot, but it could happen. Someday you will have your Wednesday night TV shows interrupted (there’s nothing on TV on Wednesdays anyway) with President McBoobs State of the Union Address. I will replace “hail to the chief” with my own theme song: “ What’s new Pussycat”. I…
  • A New Reality
    by Spamrider
    Very few people are aware that the planet earth entered a new universe and a new reality the day that Donald Trump was first against all odds and sensibilities elected President of the United States. I’m not speaking figuratively.  There was literally a Time Breach where something that wasn’t supposed to happen happened anyway. In short, we have all collectively entered a new parallel dimension of reality. A new Timeline. A Bizarro World. A dimension…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 65!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “WHAT’S IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOX!” I screamed again, maybe hoping for an answer from HR. There wasn’t any. I opened the box. I did not look in the box. I squatted over the box. I pooped in the box. I found a leaf and wiped myself clean. I got up and closed the box. Again, I did not look in the box. I then lit the box on fire and kicked it as far away as…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 35
    by Bob Senitram
    “Tell me again, Mommy…” “Stop calling me that,” Cindy snapped. “You know I hate it. It’s creepy.” “Tell me again…” “Fine. Sometimes it feels like it’s you and me against the world.” “That’s us,” Bob said with a grin. “Actually… it’s you and me against two worlds,” Cindy added. “You think they know we left?” “If they don’t yet, they will. We need to stay sharp.” They walked along the river in silence until the…
  • The Homeless Clown!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I had some complaints about last weeks column, people (you know who you are) said “ it sucked” and my rebuttal is – NO DUH! If you could do better you’d be here writing this instead of me… BUT YOU’RE NOT! ARE YA? So there! The Homeless Clown Yesterday I went to the mall, but I had a legitimate reason to go shopping. My friend had a baby on Saturday and I had to go…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Optimistic:  a.) Tending to choose the brighter outlook over the dimmer outlook.  Also, tending to fabricate and maintain the brighter outlook even when such an outlook no longer is tenable. b.) Delusional “Is the glass half-full or half-empty?” she asked.“Are you pouring or drinking?” I inquired.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 64!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I walked for a bit, a little hungry and a little thirsty. Yet no need to poo! I walked a little bit more. Came across Frank Stallone and a bunch of his pals gathered around a large metal drum. They were singing as they warmed their hands from that fire coming from that metal drum. I nodded at them. They pummeled me mercilessly. When I finally got enough strength to drag myself away from the…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 34
    by Bob Senitram
    Cindy visibly jumped as Bob stirred. Slowly, he sat up and rubbed his forehead. “Oooooooo! That’ll leave a mark in the mornin’.” She stepped closer. “Damn,” he groaned. “I must’ve hit my head on a rock or somethin’. Good thing you missed.” “I didn’t shoot, Bob.” “If not you, then who?” Cindy stood still and looked upward in a bizarre, awkward fashion. “There is……… another.” You see, Jerome was the man at the bar, nursing…
  • What in the World is this?
    by Hooty McBoobs
    What? I have no idea what to talk about this week… Imagine that, Hooty is at a loss for words. Maybe we will just ramble and see if I hit on something good. Last week when I went out to get my lunch I saw a homeless woman wearing the same shirt as me. She stared to approach me to beg for money but saw what I was wearing and stopped. IT’S A NEW SHIRT!…
  • Letter To Myself
    by Spamrider
    That Schmelnoz guy is right.  I am a dumbass. Despite recurring signs involving fish over the past month or so, it never actually occurred to me to look inside the giant fish I have hanging right over my own mantlepiece.  (I call him “Mike the Pike”.) So apparently at some time in the past I knew what was going on and knew I was going to forget everything so I wrote myself a letter and…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 63!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The HR lady carried me outside and then dumped me on the ground. She took keys from her purse. She jangled them in front of my face. “Gotta go!” she yelled as she continued the key jangling. “But….what about me?” I asked as the tears and snot started forming again. “DON’T CARE!” she yelled as she walked away. “I’m off the clock!” I grumbled. She stopped. “There is a park nearby,” she said. “Crystal Lake,…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 33
    by Bob Senitram
    Motionless, Cindy watched as Bob fell back in slow motion, a stupid yet surprised look on his face, arms flailing in every direction. Her knees buckled. Barely audible, she whimpered, “No…” “No, no…” she whispered frantically, checking the gun barrel for heat. It was cold. “Ha! A job well done, I should say!” came a triumphant voice from behind. “What the…?!” Cindy turned to catch the sight of a shadowy figure, a one-armed man in…
  • Sorry about the lapse!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Sorry about the lapse in columns – I know that you all missed me, and if you didn’t shame on you, bunch of heartless bastards. I had the worst toothache and it impaired my ability to think, write, move, sleep, eat, breath… trust me I was more impaired last week than on a normal day. The sad fact of the matter is that I am too poor to have it fixed, so I will just…
  • The New Devil’s Dictionary
    by Spamrider
    Whistleblower (n):  One who discloses all the dirty secrets your enemies are trying to hide.  (See Snitch) Snitch (n):  One who discloses all the dirty secrets you are trying to hide.  (See Whistleblower)
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 32
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob did finally get the cue he needed to find Cindy. Deep in his pee-brain, a few neurons started to vibrate. Then, out of the blue, one fired. Like the wire that got his car started, that single spark triggered a cascade: a thought, a memory, and then, finally… an idea. An idea that led him to the obvious. Cindy was at Crystal Pines. When she escaped, though “escaped” wasn’t quite the right word; it…
  • Nothing to See Here!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Note from the Editor: Sorry, nothing from Hooty! She couldn’t write this weeks column. We don’t really know why.All we got is an email that said, “Sorry guys, I can’t do it this week. I just can’t.” We really don’t know what’s going on…we hope it’s just a temporary thing! In lieu of that, here’s something from the Chick Shit archives! We Need More Money!by Melissa Paternik I was going to offer some more tips…
  • Blog, Blog, Blog!
    by Spamrider
    Blog, Blog, Blog! Which is every blogger’s way of saying, “Blah, Blah, Blah!” In other words, posting something just for the sake of posting something. Bloggers do it all the time whenever they don’t really have anything to say but feel like they still need to say something anyway just because if they don’t then their readers might end up wandering away. It’s just that most of them aren’t so honest about it as I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 62!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Then came a knock at a door. We looked around for the door. The door we were looking for opened. We backed up. Scared. “There’s a door?” I asked as sweat poured from my face. “Of course there’s a door!” said the HR lady. “How do you think you got in here?” I thought about that for a moment. “Oh yeahhhhhhh,” I finally replied. The sweat stopped. A head poked around the door. “Time to…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 31
    by Bob Senitram
    In last week’s episode of Forbidden Time Zone, the universe was screaming into a pillow as Bob missed one clue after another regarding Cindy’s whereabouts. But it wasn’t just the universe’s chaos at play. It was The Creator’s. You see, when they sent Cindy into this timeline, it was still forming, without a defined future. But now, as events unfolded and time moved forward, that future had materialized. And because The Creators live far ahead…
  • Grapes of Wrath – Part II.
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Before I begin with the Grapes of Wrath – II, I would like to make a correction concerning the column issued the week before last, “ no gnus is good gnus”. In last weeks article it was reported that Pete D. is a closet Homosexual, well folks for the first time in my life, I was wrong, that’s right I was wrong. It seems that Pete D. and his spouse are with child, so of…
  • Another Peek Into The Future
    by Spamrider
    The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 698 Last week in Forbidden Time Zone, we left Cindy attending Bob’s funeral, unaware that Bob, who had faked his own death, was standing only four feet behind her disguised as Zelda Rubinstein, which amazingly took very little effort on Bob’s part.  Meanwhile, Bob’s younger, taller identical twin brother who first showed up in The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 486 stepped up solemnly beside Cindy in order to console her.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 61!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The giggles continued. Then they stopped. “So…….” began the HR lady. “Who is this ‘I’ entity?” I asked. “EXACTLY!” she responded. Star Child Two flew around, nodding savagely. “Does it hurt to nod savagely?” I asked myself. “I would think so,” said the HR lady to herself. Star Child Two continued nodding. Life continued on in that room as we all did our own things. “Man, if I could only remember what Bob did that…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 30
    by Bob Senitram
    Bob limped back to the garage, side-eyeing the shattered window like it had personally offended him. At the car, he jammed his hands into his pockets. No keys. “Damn it,” he muttered, limping back to the kitchen. The counter—empty. “God damn it, Cindy. That bitch took my keys,” he hissed, as if the kitchen tiles were on her side. Still concussed and sore from the beatdown life had just lovingly administered, Bob shuffled back to…
  • Grapes of Wrath – Part I
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Two pounds of grapes, and a 4-hour ride to Hershey Park. I know I promised this story a while ago but this is a delicate subject that required a lot of thought, to word correctly. Actually, I didn’t have anything else to write about today. I have been in a really crappy mood lately. Besides hating my job, it has been raining for a month, and I can’t take it anymore. But I know you…
  • Time-ku
    by Spamrider
    Do not speak of timeTime is but an illusionI strap to my wrist
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 29
    by Bob Senitram
    Last week in Forbidden Time Zone, Cindy finally got tired of the cat-and-mouse game. She stood up, pulled out a gun, and aimed it at Bob. Out of sheer dumb luck, Bob grabbed a nearby wine bottle and smacked the gun from her hand, sending it flying out the window. Cindy stormed toward him and, without hesitation, flipped him onto the floor. Bob hit hard, rolled to the side, and scrambled to his feet—just in…
  • No Gnus is good Gnus…
    by Hooty McBoobs
    No Gnus is good Gnusby Hooty McBoobs I had no idea what to write about this week, nothing happened that pissed me off. I know you’re shocked, but I guess that’s a good sign because it means that the medication is kicking in. I thought in keeping with the theme of this highly cultured web-site that it would be a good idea to give you a short news update to keep you abreast of our…
  • The Time Traveller’s Dilemma
    by Spamrider
    I haven’t even started what I’ve already done.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 60!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, I did and you did. Therefore, we both did,” said the HR lady. “No,” I said, starting to get that peeved feeling. “No?” That almost peeved me even more. “No!” “No,” said the HR lady, almost in a whisper. I let out a peeved sigh. “Someone spoke. Not me. Not you. Sure as heck not Star Child Two!” Star Child Two flew over to me and nodded. “So,” said the HR lady. “It wasn’t…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 28
    by Bob Senitram
    The silence broke when Cindy lowered her gaze to the table. Slowly, deliberately, she placed both palms down, then pushed herself up without looking at Bob. Her eyes rose last, calm and unreadable. In one smooth motion, she reached under her blouse, drew a sleek, polished black pistol from her waistband, and aimed it straight at Bob’s chest. Her face was serene. Unflinching. Bob lunged for the nearest object; his hand closed around the neck…
  • Those Commie Sluts Destroyed my Dreams!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I know I said that I was going to write about Grapes this week but I have these dreams I’d like to share. So I changed my mind. I am a female, and to quote that famous wife beater/dope s moker Bobby Brown “…its my prerogative!” I wanted to start a new career and I thought, “What would be better than being a Hooker.” Now I wasn’t going to be a street corner hooker, I…
  • Think About It (Just Not Too Much)
    by Spamrider
    I know it hurts to think about it.  And thinking about it too much is definitely unhealthy.  But if you’re not careful, not thinking about it becomes a habit.  And then you’re just like them because you just don’t care anymore. So think about it.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 59!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Dingo?” I asked warmly. “Dingo!” the HR lady purred. “Which means…..?” “The ‘Dingo Ate My Baby’ dance!” exclaimed the HR lady. And that’s what we did. Star Child Two helped by acting out a dingo eating a baby. It was quite ferocious. And bloody. But not REALLY bloody since it was just a baby. Therefore, less blood. We almost stopped dancing to watch the ferocity and small amount of blood, but couldn’t. We just watched…
  • The Forbidden Time Zone: Part 27
    by Bob Senitram
    Friday was a blur. Meetings Bob didn’t remember attending, conversations that felt rehearsed. The weight of his thoughts was heavier than the briefcase he dropped on the garage floor. Cindy’s car was already parked inside. He stared at it for a moment too long, hand paused on the door handle. She’s here. But which Cindy? The scent hit him the second he stepped inside. Mississippi pot roast. Pepperoncini spice and warm, fatty richness. His favorite.…
  • The New Chick is Here with More Chick Shit!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Hi! I’m Hooty McBoobs and I’ll be writing “Chick Shit for Chic Chicks” from now on! Or, at least til I get tired of writing a weekly column for the 10 people that visit this website each week. You might have guessed, that’s not my real name. You’ll never know my real name, and let’s just keep it that way. Since this is the first thing that I am writing I asked Stephen what I…
  • Still More Words Of Advice
    by Spamrider
    Never let a cat win a staring contest unless you know exactly what you are doing.
  • The Journey To HR, Part 58!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, it really is but it’s just something to do to pass the time,” said the HR lady. We both stared at the split open head, just to pass some more time. When that time was passed we passed some more time by doing nothing. “Retsyn dance?” asked the HR lady. “Nah,” I said. “That fun is most probably over. Say….what’s your name? Tired of having to type out ‘HR lady’ every time you say…

Lunatic Column Archives

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