Note from the Editor: The Manhood Test was written back in 2000, before virtual reality was invented.
Jonathan looked out of place among the other boys in his crowd. for one thing, he did not wear glasses. Thanks to years of computer use, most children were near sighted by the time they were Jonathan’s age, but Jonathan instead chose to engage in what his town elders wistfully referred to as “sports,” a name given to different types of physical competition. Sports were largely ignored by the 22nd century, because the Microsoft revolution had turned the children with computer prowess and amply-cushioned bottoms into the role models that athletes had been in the late 20th century.
Another difference between Jonathan and the other boys is that Jonathan did not own a computer at home. This went hand-in-hand with the glasses. Children who had computers and glasses could use their lenses as monitors. Naturally this made the lenses thicker than fishbowls, which compounded the children’s near-sightedness, but most children held the view that whatever was outside the glasses was not worth seeing anyhow.
Primarily because of these two factors, but also because of other factors, Jonathan hoped that his name would not be selected from the mass of boys gathered in the center of town, he was alone in this hope. The vast majority of the crowd had been looking forward to this annual event, which had different names in different communities, but in the town of Excel it was know as Maturation Day.
Every year, for as long as anyone can remember (Even the elders of the town remember hearing the elders of their youth speaking of it.), children had to prove through ritual that they were ready for manhood. Whether through ancient religious rituals like Confirmation, the Bar Mitzvah, through completion of education, or through any other method deemed convenient by those who sit in judgment of such matters, boys had to become men somehow. What had changed from the past were the methods and the stakes involved.
Jonathan’s mind was pondering how these changes came about when his concentration was interrupted by the audible hushing of the crowd. About 50 feet from where Jonathan stood a pale man in a dark T-shirt and faded blue jeans began to speak; the rest of the boys turned to face him when they heard his voice.
“Cheese-It,” the man intoned gravely. “Please step forward.”
When he heard his name the boy named Cheese-It approached the pale man. The pale man leaned forward to whisper to the boy and then led him into a tent behind where the two were standing. Jonathan strained to hear what was said but could not. The whispering was intended, because nobody was to know what the ritual was before participating and nobody spoke of it afterward.
For the next twenty minutes, the crowd moved closer to the tent but did not get far before the force-field prevented further progress. Boys that were arguing over which virtual comic book was better, grew silent as the time elapsed
Finally, the pale man summoned the parents of Cheese-It and met them outside the tent. The pale man whispered in the father’s ear; after which, the parents were led to the back of the tent.
Jonathan, being taller than the rest of the boys, could see Cheese-It’s lifeless body being given to his father.
As the pale man shuffled forward, the crowd backed away in a subconscious effort to maintain the same distance. A quite still consumed them until the pale man called the next name.
Jonathan did not need to hear the sounds leave the pale man’s mouth to know that his name was chosen. As slowly as he could, without making it look like he was stalling, Jonathan moved forward toward the pale man.
Cheese-It was among the best and the brightest in Jonathan’s class. Named by his parents after the snack food they were both eating when the first met in a chant room, Cheese-It was writing code on a computer before he could write his name with a pen.
It was common knowledge among his classmates, that Cheese-It was using his dictation software to send love notes to a girl, at another school, named Mountain Dew. Most boys held to the old belief that until they grew older, girls had something called “cooties,” although nobody could explain what these cooties were or why they were undesirable. Because of how he had gotten his name and how she had gotten her name were so similar, Cheese-It explained that their falling in love was simply fulfillment of destiny.
Now Cheese-It was dead, and Jonathan feared that he was next.
That final thought had just crept into his mind when his legs carried him to the pale man. Jonathan looked up at the man as he spoke into Jonathan’s ear.
“Are you ready for the test?”
Jonathan merely nodded before the man led him into the tent by his elbow.
The first thing Jonathan thought about when he entered the tent was that the exchange between him and the pale man was certainly not something worthy of the secrecy. The second thing Jonathan noticed was the naked woman sitting in the Lotus position at the far end of the tent. He had seen what naked women look like on one of his friend’s computers, but this was the first time he had seen one in the flesh.
Jonathan’s staring must have been obvious, because the pale man strode between the boy and the woman before he spoke.
“I’m sure you have heard about what happens on Maturation Day.”
Although Jonathan had not heard much, ho nodded his head up and down.
“Well, forget what you’ve heard. The simple truth is this: we want you to become a man today. We certainly don’t want what happened to Cheese-It, to happen to you.”
“That’s comforting,” though Jonathan.
“However, to become a man, you must pass one simple test, to show us that you are ready. The test is simple. You must…”
While the pale man was saying this, Jonathan tried to commit the naked woman’s appearance to memory. Her pale complexion (To be fair, everybody had fair complexions because so few people were brave enough to experience sunlight and therefore, leave their computers – even after the invention of the special glasses.), her almond eyes and matching hair alone indicated that she did not come from anywhere near Excel.
Jonathan had just finishing memorizing her face and was ready to move on to the rest of her body when the pale man shook him to attention.
“you have 10 minutes to complete the test.”
Jonathan walked toward the naked woman. “Ten minutes should be plenty of time,” he thought. The least he could do is try to stretch it out for as long as possible.
“Jonathan, the test is over here.” The pale man pointed to the other side of the tent, where three containers of water sat. Two were jugs, with one larger than the other. The third container was much larger, and was filled with water.
“Your time starts now.” The man said.
Jonathan looked at the setup, unsure as to what was expected of him. Afraid to ask again, for fear that asking a second time would result in automatic failure and therefore death, Jonathan racked his brain. Nothing came to mind except the face of the naked woman in the tent.
Eight minutes of befuddled silence passed before the pale man reminded Jonathan that here were two minutes left until his seemingly more certain demise
At this, Jonathan approached the containers and looked at them. Both were plastic, bluish in tint, but the larger container had a “5” on the bottom while the smaller one had a “3” on its underside. There was nothing unusual about the larger container, nor about the water inside.
Suddenly, Jonathan had an idea. He filled the larger jug with water, then dumped as much of the contents of the larger jug into the smaller jug. Then he emptied the jug with the 5 and poured the water from the # 3 jug into the larger. Upon completing that, he filled the smaller with water and poured what he could into the larger jug. Then he emptied the larger jug.
“Thirty seconds,” said the pale man.
Jonathan was briefly lost as to what was supposed to happen next, but quickly remembered. He poured what was left of the smaller jug into the larger, then filled smaller jug and poured it’s contents into the larger with moments to spare.
His time expired as he did so, and as he turned around he expected to see the disappointed faces of adults who were charged with the task of executing a child. Instead, he saw grim smiles. He was not sure which was worse.
The pale man reached for Jonathan’s shoulder, and Jonathan flinched as the man’s bony fingers touched. Jonathan was so busy closing his eyes and making his body rigid in a last-ditch effort to avoid the inevitable that he almost didn’t hear what the pale man had to say.
“Congratulations. You have passed.”
A puzzled Jonathan opened his eyes and relaxed his shoulders as the pale man continued.
“You have successfully used a five-gallon jug and a three-gallon jug to make exactly four gallons of water. This was the test that our great founder Bill Gates used to determine who could walk with the great Microsoft warriors, and you have passed.”
Jonathan was still not exactly sure what had just happened. He only knew that he was alive.
It was with great enthusiasm; then, that when the naked woman stood up, walked toward Jonathan, and asked him if he was ready to become a man.
Jonathan said, “Yes.”
“Before you become a man,” the pale man said toward Jonathan, “you should know that we weren’t going to kill you if you failed.”
“Really?”
“No. We’d have just paddled you until your butt was as red as a baboon’s and made you come back next year.”
Now that Jonathan thought about it, there were older kids in the crowd. “So, why did you kill Cheese-It?”
“Actually, we didn’t kill him. He passed the test. However, when it came time for him to make love to the woman and become a man, he dropped dead on the spot. Clearly, he wasn’t ready to become a man. Happens a lot to these kids that will only do something if it’s virtual. So, are you ready to complete the passage to manhood?”
Jonathan looked at the naked woman. Her soft features, her creamy skin, and her athletic body were all made more beautiful by her proximity.
He nodded his head and took her hand.
The End
Originally posted 09/15/2000
