by Brandon Cooper
I woke up choking again.
Salty water inside my lungs. Yum. I think that is probably the worst and best part about sleeping under the blanket of rain, it’s terrible. That’s just the first adjective that comes to mind too…. I hate it. That is why I do it though. I hate it more than anything on this uncomfortable earth. More than her. Waking up choking soaking wet. Laying there all the cold wet night until our lord and savior morning comes along. Now I just lay there and feign sleep. Who am I fooling though? Not her. That is always the fail-safe next step after choking. I could count my life on it. Boy howdy. I just lay there tricking myself that I’m dreaming, dreaming about how much I hate doing this. How much I want to just die. How much I love it.
The next morning the sun shines warmly on my naked ass. I’m butt naked except for a purple shirt. Hey, it’s the only way I can sleep. If you want to call it that. It’s more like acting I’m asleep. Some play nobody is watching. Anyways, I’m not a very good actor.
Psychologists say that reality is only what our minds make it. So I figure that if I get better at acting I’m asleep I would be asleep. Then as far as I’m concerned I’m really asleep, right? I don’t believe that though. I think that could be a smidge of the problem. I’m too self aware. Not self aware like animals are not, but self aware like dammit, my hair looks like shit self aware. You get the picture.
I look around forgetting where exactly I am. Hopefully it’s a shithole. That makes me smile. That’s how this theory/scientific experiment/life works, one day my life is a loathsome trough of puke the next it’s luxury. That’s my balance, my circle of life. The low to love the high. Sometimes you have to be kicked in the face to appreciate it. Sometimes you have to die to be reborn.
I wish I would have known this earlier on in life. I thought just one day you woke up with all the answers and all the happiness one man could ever digest. I thought one day I would just be happy. I figured acting happy was happy. I know what it takes now.
The secret to life.
I’m willing to share it with the world.
Though to know how this truly works you must know how it truly works. The best example I know…. The only example I know is me. I am my best autobiographer. This is the end of the end of the start of the beginning. This is how I died. The is how I was reborn.
This is how I became a fucking phoenix.
The End
Originally posted 05/18/2005
