Chick Shit For Chic Chicks

When I got home early Sunday morning from work, I was surprised when I noticed that Ralph was not home. I called around the trailer park but nobody knew where he went. I finally went to bed figuring that he probably went hunting and forgot to tell me.

He finally showed up early Sunday afternoon. The first thing I noticed was that he was walking a bit strange. I immediately got him a beer and some pork rinds and asked him what happened.

Well, it seems he was in jail! He was actually picked up for “soliciting a prostitute”, if you can believe that! I know that we don’t see much of each other because of my new job, and I have probably put on a few extra pounds because we are eating better, but Ralph caught trying to pick up a prostitute? Never!!

I asked him why he was walking funny. It turns out that while he was in jail, he was abducted by space aliens and butt probed!! I know it sounds a little too far-fetched, but Ralph’s cellmate told him that he was awake and watched as the aliens probed my poor, dear Ralph!

Ralph thought it was a good story to sell to the local paper. However, when I called them, whoever answered laughed at me and hung up the phone. That seemed to make Ralph very angry and he went to bed and slept for a couple of days.

Too make matters worse, the manager at the bar called me into his office and told me that he had noticed that I was gaining weight. He told me that I needed to exercise or he would have to let me go. I told Ralph about this and he helped me come up with a wonderful exercise to flatten my abs!

He hooked some straps to the ceiling of our living room/kitchen so that I could hang by my feet. As I dangled from the ceiling, I cleared my mind of all thoughts and completely relaxed.

Then, Ralph hit me in the stomach with a 2X4. This caused me to try and sit up which is very good for the abdominal muscles!! We did this about twenty times until I felt a burning in my stomach muscles. I knew that they were getting stronger! Now, we do this between 30-50 times a day and, even though I haven’t noticed any weight loss, I feel that my stomach muscles are becoming incredibly tight!

NEXT WEEK: More time saving tips!!

Originally posted 01/10/2001

More Lunatics…

Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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