When I got home early Sunday morning from work, I was surprised when I noticed that Ralph was not home. I called around the trailer park but nobody knew where he went. I finally went to bed figuring that he probably went hunting and forgot to tell me.
He finally showed up early Sunday afternoon. The first thing I noticed was that he was walking a bit strange. I immediately got him a beer and some pork rinds and asked him what happened.
Well, it seems he was in jail! He was actually picked up for “soliciting a prostitute”, if you can believe that! I know that we don’t see much of each other because of my new job, and I have probably put on a few extra pounds because we are eating better, but Ralph caught trying to pick up a prostitute? Never!!
I asked him why he was walking funny. It turns out that while he was in jail, he was abducted by space aliens and butt probed!! I know it sounds a little too far-fetched, but Ralph’s cellmate told him that he was awake and watched as the aliens probed my poor, dear Ralph!
Ralph thought it was a good story to sell to the local paper. However, when I called them, whoever answered laughed at me and hung up the phone. That seemed to make Ralph very angry and he went to bed and slept for a couple of days.
Too make matters worse, the manager at the bar called me into his office and told me that he had noticed that I was gaining weight. He told me that I needed to exercise or he would have to let me go. I told Ralph about this and he helped me come up with a wonderful exercise to flatten my abs!
He hooked some straps to the ceiling of our living room/kitchen so that I could hang by my feet. As I dangled from the ceiling, I cleared my mind of all thoughts and completely relaxed.
Then, Ralph hit me in the stomach with a 2X4. This caused me to try and sit up which is very good for the abdominal muscles!! We did this about twenty times until I felt a burning in my stomach muscles. I knew that they were getting stronger! Now, we do this between 30-50 times a day and, even though I haven’t noticed any weight loss, I feel that my stomach muscles are becoming incredibly tight!
NEXT WEEK: More time saving tips!!
Originally posted 01/10/2001