Advice For The Creators of “Lost” Along With Other Nuggets From My Ass

Megadeth—United Abominations

MoTW—Pan's Labyrinth

Here's an idea for the creators of "Lost" that will help make their show

Kill Kate.

This past season whenever she was onscreen, I found my eyes wandering
away from the tv screen, travelling around the room until they came to a
peaceful rest on a specific spot on the ceiling.

Most times the spot was white (like the rest of the ceiling which
happens to be white because it was painted that way) but one day there
was a little black speck on that specific white spot which caused a
moment of concern, then a moment of enlightenment, then another moment
of concern.

I rubbed my eyes thinking that the spot was caused by a pebble or hair
or something small like that but the spot remained. So I stood up to get
a closer look and found that the speck was a spider. I gave it a thumbs
up since it seemed to be doing a good job because I hadn't seen any bugs
traipsing around the house for some time and then I tried to remember
what I was doing before I spotted the spider and then remembered I was
watching "Lost" but found that I was (get ready for this) LOST when I
resumed watching it so I had to rewind the dvr and found the part when
Kate showed up and my eyes drifted away…….

Anyways this happened quite a few times before I was able to get the
timing down pat so that I was able to watch a Kate-less "Lost".

Face it folks, she's fucking annoying. She's like that kid who always
tagged along with your gang who always wanted to know what was going on
even though they weren't a member but you were too nice of a guy to tell
the little shit to beat it.
I'm not a "Lost" geek or anything like that, but I did take a poll of a
good cross section of this country and an overwhelming majority said
they wanted Kate dead.

Advertisers, take note of that last paragraph. If they don't kill Kate,
people will stop watching the show and you won't make any money. I've
read about how advertising works and now consider myself an expert so
get in contact with the "Lost" people and tell them that you'll pull
your ads if they don't kill Kate.

Anyone who wasn't part of my poll but watch "Lost", send letters to ABC
and the creators and tell them you'll stop watching unless they kill
Kate. Believe it or not, letters work! You can make a difference!

On a different note, I have a subscription to Entertainment Weekly so
that I can know what the young ones are into. They think I'm "hip" and
"groovy" when I talk to them because I know what's going on.

I am kind of upset though since last week's issue was probably the worst
EW ever. For one thing they wasted a good three or so pages on THE WORST
stripes (I can't even bring myself to use capitalization since they
suck) and then they have an in depth interview (?) with Kelly Clarkson
(yet more waste of paper) who basically claims that her new album is
like "Nebraska" by Bruce Springsteen.

Now, I am not a fan of Bruce Springsteen even though he comes from the
greatest state in the USA, but he is an icon while Kelly is……an
American Idol winner? And the comparisons start where?

Fuck Kelly Clarkson in the ear with an aluminum bat wrapped in rusty
razor wire. Maybe she'll gain some talent then.

Anyway, good thing I ran out of toilet paper that day and I was able to
wipe my ass with Kelly, Jack and that thing that "plays" drums. Hey, did
you know the latter two only wear stuff that is red, black or white?

I just peed myself.

COMING NEXT: Got me, but I can wear white shoes! Or is it pants?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

4 thoughts on “Advice For The Creators of “Lost” Along With Other Nuggets From My Ass

  1. I too am a fan of the white stripes, but the last album was disappointing compared to the last, which I commonly compare to the Beatles “White” album of the twentieth century when compared to all the crap on the radio these days.

    Oooh, oooh, gotta go! My roomate just came in and I want to compare notes from geology class!

    P.S. I just noticed my shoes don’t match.

  2. Oh, REALLY now. First, Menudo’s “No Me Corten el Pelo” is more comparable to the White Album than anything the white stripes can ever hope to put out.

    Second, comparing geology notes? This is about rocks! How can notes be different about rocks? They’re hard and they hurt when someone pegs you in the head with one.

    And finally, that shoe thing: At least you have another pair just like ’em. I CRACK MYSELF UP!


  3. Geology (from Greek: γη, ge, “earth”; and λόγος, logos, “knowledge”) is the science and study of the solid matter of the Earth, its composition, structure, physical properties, history and the processes that shape it. It is one of the Earth sciences. Geologists have helped establish the age of the Earth at about 4.6 billion (4.6×109) years, and have determined that the Earth’s lithosphere, which includes the crust, is fragmented into tectonic plates that move over a rheic upper mantle (asthenosphere) via processes that are collectively referred to as plate tectonics. Geologists help locate and manage the Earth’s natural resources, such as petroleum and coal, as well as metals such as iron, copper, and uranium. Additional economic interests include gemstones and many minerals such as asbestos, perlite, mica, phosphates, zeolites, clay, pumice, quartz, and silica, as well as elements such as sulfur, chlorine, and helium.

    Planetary geology (sometimes known as Astrogeology) refers to the application of geologic principles to other bodies of the solar system. However, specialised terms such as selenology (studies of the Moon), areology (of Mars), etc., are also in use.

    The word “geology” was first used by Jean-André Deluc in the year 1778 and introduced as a fixed term by Horace-Bénédict de Saussure in the year 1779. The science was not included in Encyclopedia Britannica’s third edition completed in 1797, but had a lengthy entry in the fourth edition completed by 1809.[1] An older meaning of the word was first used by Richard de Bury to distinguish between earthly and theological jurisprudence.

    Dr. James Keach

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