Your New President
by Ray Fracalossy

You have my deepest apologies. I never meant for it to happen. For you see, I'm somewhat responsible for this whole mess. And I really AM sorry! Oh well. Too late for that now, but I guess an explanation is in order.

Alcohol. That's the real culprit. Isn't it most of the time, though? I was at a tavern drinking the night of the big election, and it was packed. The television was on, and the news was talking about the election and the candidates, and going on about their previous track records and who was the favorite.

Anyway, when they flashed a picture of Jenson on the screen, and inebriated man towards my right side started rambling on about how Jenson was his man, how he was the shoe-in, and Jenson this and Jenson that. I just sort of let out a, "Pfht, Jenson? You might as well vote for this bar napkin."

I had no idea someone would actually do it? You know? But they did! And in record numbers! I remember my shock as I picked up the morning newspaper from the front lawn the following day bright and early, still slightly hung over, and read the headlines. BAR NAPKIN ELECTED BY LANDSLIDE. And at first it wasn't bad, I felt I had done the country a service, you know? I mean, the bar napkin actually had some good ideas. And the economy turned around a bit. Jobs increased, He definitely improved our schools. Look at the test scores. Those things don't lie!

But then things got weird. Maybe it was from all the beer it had absorbed. I really couldn't tell you. Maybe a bartender could. They have way more experience with these things.

Well, I guess I don't need to tell you what happened next, do I? I mean, after all, that's why we're all here now, isn't it. I mean, we all know the napkin went a little crazy, starting wars, and selling off parts of the country. And there was that big scandal when they found that woman's phone number written of his other side. You know, juste really crazy stuff. Well, that's it. That's my story. And once again, I'm really sorry.

"NEXT!" the voice cried out. And with that, the man and all those he was now chained to moved up one step, in a line formed for all those who would now received their computer chip implant. Who would have ever expected that a simple bar napkin could ever have been the anti-christ. Not me, that's fer damn sure!