Thousands of Fleeing Japanese
by Craig Snyder

A small dark man in a small dark room picked up his pen and wrote: In ancient times, the monsters walked among us, and it was good…

Godzilla was in downtown Tokyo for the afternoon. It was something he'd made a habit of lately. He'd Smash a few buildings, crush a couple of buses, pretend to get caught in some power lines, humiliate the Japanese Army, and so on. He saw Mothra hovering by the docks and strolled over, crushing a few cars and fleeing Japanese as he went. "Hey, Mothra! What are you doing in Tokyo, man? It's been awhile, dude!" "I'm just in town for the day," Mothra replied. "I had to beat the crap out of some intergalactic monster, Omega X, I think his name was, then hadda talk with these two, tiny singing chicks in a cage. It was a total freakout! I've got time for lunch, though." "Cool! Hey, how about that pizza we had last time, with the thin crust?" "Suits me," said Mothra as he flapped his mighty wings, sending one Japanese man flying right through another Japanese man.

When they got to the pizza place, everyone there just screamed and screamed, then launched thousands of rocket-propelled grenades at them when they tried to place their order. "Japanese waiters!" Godzilla said in disgust. "I just don't know how to talk to these guys anymore!" "Let's blow," said Mothra.

They located an Italian restaurant near the Public Gardens after causing a few million yen in property damage, and ordered spaghetti and chicken parmesan. Their food had just been served by a screaming waiter when Rhodan flew in, wiping out an entire busload of Japanese extras. "Hey you guys…" Rhodan folded his wings primly and sat down. Godzilla and Mothra looked at each other. All the monsters knew which way he flew. "Hey Rod, what are you up to?" "Shopping; there's a big party on Monster Island Saturday night and I've got to have a new outfit." Mothra rolled his huge, multifaceted eyes. "Did you hear what happened to Ghidrah?" Rhodan asked. "His wife left him, said she was tired of him coming home drunk, getting beat up by all the other monsters, and trying to figure out which head to look at when she was talking to him." "No way!" Mothra exclaimed. "I really thought they were gonna make it." Godzilla stretched, casually destroying a super-secret government lab with a flick of his tail. "They had a good run." He said. "3000 years. Plus all that time he was frozen in a comet out near Pluto…"
"Maybe they were just incompatible," Rhodan suggested, "Being different species, you know." "What the heck are you talking about?" Godzilla snorted. "We're all monsters! I think I'm going to look her up, she's pretty hot." "Are you crazy? She's a giant crab!" "Giant crabs can be hot." Godzilla replied.

Just then 60 heavily armored tanks opened fire-massive, armor piercing shells bounced off the monster's rubbery hides. The monsters roared with laughter. Tokyo was always such fun.


Mr. Hosaka and his secretary hurried to the 2nd floor and flung open the door to the room where the small dark man wrote. "Mr. Hijiro! You must stop immediately! You are causing tremendous harm! The small dark man, identified as Mr. Hijiro, obediently put down his pen, "Hai," he said.

Godzilla took out a roll of bills and paid the screaming waiter, who, fatigued, merely whimpered and wished them a pleasant evening. The monsters strolled off down the street, gazing at the beautiful sunset, which, though still lovely, had become somewhat obscured by hordes of tiny black helicopters and columns of thick, grey smoke. Mothra sighed. "We really ought to be having tea in some secluded garden," he said. "Right. Let's do it!" Godzilla was eager to set off at once; he loved tea gardens. Rhodan hesitated. "I've got my shopping to do…" "Just think how much better your shopping experience will be after you've contemplated the ending of this perfect day," Godzilla said. Rhodan was trapped by the logic and symmetry of Godzilla's words; so the three friends made their way to a remote garden they knew of which contained a shimmering pool overhung with willows, and a view of the distant sea. Upon reaching the garden, they encountered Gamera and the three Space Women, who agreed to join them.

The garden was occupied by many Japanese quietly sipping tea. The intrusion of the monsters caused much terror and soiling of underpants. Many rushed to a nearby cliff and flung themselves off, while others searched hurriedly for fresh underpants. Soon however, ritual won out; the monsters were given the best seats, and the Space Women served the tea. Everyone sighed. The sunset was lovely, the tea, exquisite.

As darkness fell, the happy party broke up. Rhodan left to do his shopping, and to destroy several small villages. Gamera and the Space Women rose into the air, spinning like crazy, and disappeared behind a nearby mountain where immediately, Giant Space Robots attacked them. Gamera and the Space Women beat them up and jumped on them over and over again, until they cried for their mommies. Many Japanese fled. Godzilla and Mothra slowly made their way back into Tokyo proper, laughing and swatting at the tiny helicopters that swarmed around them like flies.

"Life is good," said Godzilla.
"Yes," said Mothra.
"Life is rich."
"Yes."
"Life is full."
"Yes."
"Is that the Deadly Mantis sucking up electricity from Tokyo Light and Power, and giving me the fish eye?"
"Yes."
"I'll be right back."

Godzilla roared. His eyes glittered with hatred. The Mighty Lizard strode forth to confront the mutant insect. "Hey, Douche bag!" He yelled. "How dare you show your face in Tokyo?! This is my city, you freak! You're not even from Monster Island!" The massive insect eyed him coldly and chittered in reply. Slowly, it flexed its huge, clawed limbs and rose into the air, illuminated by spotlights and tracer bullets. Godzilla's challenge shattered the sky. The Mantis dived, slashing with its claws, ripping into Godzilla's skull. Godzilla responded with electric fire, which splashed harmlessly off the insect's body. The Deadly Mantis closed in for the kill. Godzilla belched forth gouts of orange flame which engulfed the Mantis, turning it into a living torch. It shrieked, a sound like tearing metal, and then spiraled into Tokyo Harbor, plunging into the dark waters with a hiss. The fight was over, for now…
Mothra fluttered over to his wounded friend. "Are you ok?" "Yea," said Godzilla as he wiped the blood from his bulging eyes. "What a fight! I totally dry-gulched that turd! And if he shows his tiny insect butt again, I'll roast him a new one!"

Mr. Hosaka put down the phone and looked at his secretary with haggard eyes. "He has not stopped. Things are worse. We must kill him."

The two friends parted by the waters of Tokyo Bay, having promised to meet again in a week's time. Godzilla waved as Mothra soared out over the waters, causing massive tidal waves which killed hundreds and drowned two small islands. He turned for a last look at the burning city. He heard the urgent cries of the tiny islanders who had spawned him, and who now rushed to put out the fires and ready the city for his return. Nice, nice people, he thought. Top notch, first rate. Service could be a little better, though. But what a city, what a night!

Mr. Hijiro put down his pen with a tired smile. He thought it was the best thing he'd ever written. From the darkness a speeding bullet made friends with him. He slumped forward across the manuscript…

Far out to sea, Godzilla felt a momentary weakness seize him; tremors passed through his huge body and he felt fear for the first time. Soon however, his strength returned, and he struck out once again for the Shore of Monster Island…