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| Alarmingly Strange Stories |
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The Ozone Cow Stories |
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| . Prologue: Bob Walker and Dave McCann began writing children's books in 1910. Their short stories (known as the "Ozone Cow Series") gained notoriety not for their amusement for children, but for their complete lack of comprehension. Not only did their stories make no sense, but they also dealt with topics that no child could even begin to understand. We are quite sure fans of The Weirdcrap will find delight in these fine morsels. Please enjoy. KING MARK Deep in the far reaches of Glovemitton, there lived an old elf named Mark. Mark was the king of the Bigglesnugs, and he ruled over them with a green thumb. One day, Mark was sad. "How I wish", he said with a tear, "that my shoes were made of soup!" Desperate to make good with the king, three of his loyal subjects jumped at the chance to design a pair of "soup shoes". The first one strapped a bowl of soup to his feet, but it only made his socks soggy. The second tried to tape soup to his feet, but it would never stick. "Oh the terribleness!", the king yelled, "If the third one does not succeed, he will be beheaded!" The third one approached and wrote the word "soup" on his shoes in permanent marker. "Thank you", said the king. Moral: Soup is good shoes PORCELAIN DOLLS According to Greek mythology, porcelain dolls kill the germs that cause gingivitis. Don't take my word for it because it isn't true. But we can pretend that it is. Henry thought it was true. He began every morning by waking up. Soon after this, he would head into the bathroom and chew on a porcelain doll. It made him feel good that he was doing his part to prevent tooth decay. One time he got an eyeball stuck in his throat. His doctor told him to stop by saying this: "Stop chewing porcelain dolls." It never worked. So Henry continued chewing on and on. Then, his teeth fell out. . |
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