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I'm sure many people will click this link expecting that
with my use of "whores" in the title, I'm referring metaphorically to men and their insatiable appetite
for picking up women and carrying them on our backs until they offer us blowjobs. I'm sorry to say that your hopes,
your dreams of having inconsequential sex with something other than that plastic vagina you bought off of E-bay
are going to be crushed, because this is a guide for female prostitutes to expand their business and open the untapped
source that is the sexuality of curious/homosexual women.
My tips are easy to follow, and they're free because I am not really business-minded or smart enough to come up
with more than like three pieces of advice, but what the fuck do you expect? I'm from the ghetto and I own a gun
with which I shoot cans and watermelons. CANS AND WATERMELONS. I don't think that alien invasion next year is going
to present any problems for me, unless they wear t-shirts with pictures of my family on them. That could be trouble.
LISTEN TO ME YOU DIRTY VAGINAS AND MOUTHS OF GOD'S ARMY!
The first, and biggest obstacle to hurdle when you try offering tricks to women is that a good 30% of them are
not lesbians. It's going to take a keen eye and lots of robots with good throwing arms and special gaydars to tell
whether or not you have a potential prospect. Most women who aren't into paying for sex usually wear pink socks
and carry purses with chihuaha's or other small dogs in them. I suggest that if you come across a totally heterosexual
woman, you take my advice and tell them that lesbians who pay for sex make a net income of close to $40,000 dollars
for just being lesbians. She might ask you how that's possible, to which you will politely punch her in the ovaries
and shove a double-edged dildo into her mouth while you scream about how she made you do this because you love
her. Most of the times they'll succumb to the confusion and throw you a Jackson (hopefully Tito Jackson) for some
oral, but if they proceed to try and push the issue, then you should just cover your ears and sing a Mariah Carey
song as loud as you can. Hopefully she'll mistake you for an insane homeless person trying to come onto her and
move along.
Once you are good enough at weeding out the customers from the haters, it's time to start going after making some
serious money. I have an aunt on the the corner of Flushing Avenue and Sacura Boulevard who has a training camp
for whores looking to make it big just like yourself. For only five hundred dollars, my aunt Florentine will show
you how to make a woman orgasm with just a lock of your hair and a can of processed cheese, and how to film it
without them knowing, because we all know that internet porn is where it's at.
You'll get a certificate upon completion and a lemon square, and you will eat that godamn lemon square like the
nazi's are coming to make-out with your parents if you don't, because that lemon square has potassium and lots
of it. You'll need this potassium in your immune system to fight the chipmunks that will constantly attack your
vagina while you're working the streets. Why you ask? Why do chipmunks attack the vaginas of prostitutes? I don't
know, ask your "all-knowing" god who cuts seas in half for a small group of chosen people while he leaves
the rest of us to flounder about with no reason for existence.
Hopefully by now you have realized that your vadge is the gateway to buying a mansion and have taken extra precautions
to protect it. If I were a woman, I would insure it for a copy of Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" because
my coffee table is lop-sided and I need something to prop under one of the legs.
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