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"Do I assume that you or another you will then step
in and take over?" I inquired as my defibrillator gave my heart a good juicy hello.
From the stove named Seymour she poured a concoction of oriental food onto a plate that wasn't named and handed
it to me.
She smiled and said in another voice, "Please. I would be honored if you would partake of my special recipe
called Putt Fry Thai Pai Harrumph. Or as it's called in non gibberish, Flutt Pry Sai Winnie Winnie. Or even further
in non gibberish gibberish, Eat At Your Own Potential Demise."
"You didn't answer my question," I retorted tartly.
"I have no further aspirations for mankind except to see its demise. I will return to the hole in the rock
and sleep with the Martians who snore most profoundly."
I took the plate, smelled it, and almost took a bite. Then suddenly I whipped out the special device which was
the non defibrillator and fibrillated the ingredients.
Seeing my actions Dandy gasped, belched, roared, sighed and proclaimed my actions a violation of eater's etiquette.
"You suck, Peter Wellesley! What forever is the meaning of this?"
I chuckled and turned the sucky fibrillating device on her chefness.
"I am here to suck the main ingredient from your Putt Fry Thai Pai Harrumph which causes powerful people to
be sane yet most stupid. Give it up, Dandy!"
She cringed, craned, stooped and took on many transfigurations including a mole on the cheek of a Grecian urn.
I chased her through the alley that was and still is a cave until she dropped onto the trampoline in disgust, yet
smiling as she appreciated a good chase.
"Come on, Dandy. I hold the trigger of the sucking machine which makes much joyful fibrillation and hurts
my left elbow."
She smirked and said as she bled into the rock of ages, "That which you seek is inside of me. The damage is
done, and your world is doomed!"
Faster than you can think of an ending for this silly story, I applied the special fibrillator to the rock. Dandy
horrifyingly came right out and fibrillated to the tune of "Everybody Tremor Along With Me Since We Have No
Bones."
"You're such a meanie, Peter!" she said blowing milk bubbles at me. "Do you really want to know
what the special ingredient is, huh?"
My heart had so calmed down that I couldn't understand her. It came out as "Dingle wingle wombom?" So
I turned the fibrillator on myself.
"Okay. Would you repeat that?"
In frustration and capitulation she went with the fibrillator and was sucked into a state of non being and bits
of gravy.
Meanwhile back in the field the band was clapping and jumping up and down most insanely while admiring the latest
crop of appliances.
Back at WANA Dandy was analyzed extensively. Ah, what spices she indulged in. But there was one specific ingredient
that was rare and had no DNA. Testing it on ten thousand malnourished termites revealed that termites fancied linoleum
over wood and liked taking extensive vacations.
"You've done well, Wellesley," said the assistant to the vice president in charge of covert, very hush
hush operations who remained in the shadows but sporadically rose from his chair to bang his head on the flag draped
wall. "You have restored insanity and tyrannical rule to our domestic agenda. Now fall down, chant three yo
mommas, and rise and accept your new mission."
So, I am currently engaged on a mission to rid the world of the sane policies of shyster herbal tea dealers from
the planet Oops. With heart and neck throbbing it allows me special insight that only those who understand and
speak gibberish have.
To the unknown world and my mother I am not a hero. Every time I go home to visit my mother she punches me in the
neck and calls me a freak. My defibrillator's warrantee is about to expire and the manufacture has taken an indefinite
vacation. But until the defibrillator quits I will fight to keep America free from freaks who speak gibberish.
THE END
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