|
|
Rising from nowhere marched three hundred members of
the screaming Doorknobs. The tune they played sounded vaguely like "Your Momma Doesn't Know But Your Sister
Sure Does. Wink. Wink." They steadily marched forward through sprouting appliances, swaying side to side.
"Say. I'm just looking for the chef in the kitchen that's in an alley that was a cave." Still the band
marched onwards. Panicking I shouted, "I just want to experience the ecstasy of Putt Fry Thai Pai Harrumph!"
Suddenly the band stopped fifty feet short of me. It was at this point that I recognized many in the band. There
was United States Vice President Taylor R. Nailed on tuba; Congresswoman Patricia Pukeswater on trombone; superstar/film
actor Peter Pastrami on xylophone; and opera singer Ethel Stumpy Me on a gorilla who played bass drum. Upon close
inspection I detected the characteristic throbbing neck artery and look of zombie possession.
"You really want to meet the chef that is?" asked the penguin. "Seeing that you speak the language
that isn't which is gibberish that only we the anointed and cursed speak, you will naturally know what is."
"Is what?" I inquired as the band sank to their knees. I was quite annoyed as I wasn't feeling well.
Luckily the defibrillator kicked in and I remained alive.
"Look," I said with much restraint. "Do you know where the chef is?"
"Define is."
I felt my heart running like a locomotive and felt the hand of something touch me.
"Is is!" I exploded, which was quite a sight for I'd turned into my mother's father's cousin's left hand
on a broom.
"Correct!" said penguin man.
Suddenly I found myself transported to a very dainty kitchen that was in an alley that was and still is a cave.
Penguin man stood before me laughing and trying to regurgitate a salamander. Then before my eyes he/it became the
most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen. Her long dark hair smelled of chicken soup.
"Now it can be revealed that the world's power is held by a woman," she said in a voice that not only
melted my butter but caused me enormous chest pain and ringing in the ears.
She seized my hand, licked and kissed it, saying, "My name is Dandy as in dandelion. I come from the rock
of ages which is really old and well sat upon. For ages women have been seen as inferior to men. So once unleashed
from my rocky prison I set about seeking man's downfall. The sheer brutality of those money grubbing, inconsiderate
egotists who pretend to care for others but in actuality only care for their clout and golfing scores is outrageous.
But now they are the zombie morons in my award winning, all state marching band. Soon I will march them into the
river of Putrid which will send them to the bottom of the sink that is most unfiltered to think endless nothing
thoughts yet scratch most productively."
I was stunned. "But how will America survive without the tyrannical powerful?"
She smiled and whistled, "They won't. For to not be is to be and to sit around watching TV is to not know
but to know that by not knowing one knows. You know?"
Suddenly I felt very stupid but all knowing. I knew that without the slave drivers and money men people had no
direction and thus were reduced to sitting around not knowing what to do while the economy and the game show Jeopardy
collapsed. What a plan.
|
|
Print
Email Author
|