|
|
That was one sure fire indication that I had heart problems.
The next was when I was hired by a covert government organization appropriately called WANA, short for We Are Not
Anonymous, as a lowly clerk. Immediately my heart went into an arrhythmia that brought fainting spells, cold sweats,
pain, numbness, and the ability to understand gibberish. This skill brought me to the attention of the assistant
to the vice president in charge of covert, very hush hush operations. WANA's front was as a quaint, innocent greeting
card company. The cards held subliminal messages. They sure did give Hallmark a scare.
"Wellesley, I've been advised that you have a gift for gibberish," the man in the shadows said. His voice
was also disguised by the use of helium. "Gibberish as you know is a non language yet mischievous and useful
in intelligence hindquarters."
He rose from behind the desk named Melvin, took a couple of steps to his right, struck the wall with the flag on
it with his head and promptly fell down.
Once seated behind Melvin he uttered, "Higgy piggy floo floo catcha ratta matta."
"That's not a nice thing to say about subterranean floor lighting, sir."
"Aha! So you do speak gibberish, Wellesley."
My heart was making me short of breath as I felt my neck artery pumping excitedly and heard a kettle drum in my
left ear.
"It is known in many Argentine theaters that those with a certain heart condition and pronounced neck artery
throbbing have the gift. We are offering you the opportunity to use this gift to uncover the secret ingredient
in a most delicious and addictive food that most of our higher level officials and superstars are eating, which
causes them to act most irrational and drool uncontrollably. Do you accept this mission?"
Well, howdy do, friends. Just when I thought my physical condition was nothing but negative. Here I could use it
to serve God and country.
It was highly reported that people of power and wealth had mysteriously started acting stranger than usual. They
were already borderline nuts. Then when politicians started making sense and caring for their constituents, forcing
normally hostile and mistrusting voters to believe them, the eyes of WANA fluttered. Shortly politicians, superstars,
business leaders, and those with sharp-tipped noses metamorphosed into amateur cartoonists and took long vacations
at their own expense. Because of their considerable absence America became threatened. For without their overpowering
and unsympathetic tyrannical rule nothing got accomplished. People stopped working and nothing got produced. The
economy became less economical and classical music replaced football as America's number one source of entertainment.
At the same time large reptiles ran rampant, causing more politicians to take moderately inexpensive vacations,
usually to upper Newfoundland.
"Infiltrate and speak the gibberish, Wellesley," commanded Dr. Henry L. Kabooboo, neuro-cardiologist
transfixer-upper. "With this specially implanted fibrillator with homing pigeon precision you will penetrate
the circle of gibberishers who are causing our powerful and political figures to turn sane yet most stupid.
"From a secret kitchen in an alley that was a cave you will find the onerous chef who has spiked this addictive
food. Use the gibberish to find the ingredient responsible and with said special device fibrillate the ingredient
into another special device to be stored for a later date in a nuclear yet unstated device for very hush hush porpoises."
|
|
Print
Email Author
|